The Revenge goes on
by Kerschi-Puky
Summary: This is a sequel to 'silent revenge'. So for all who want to know how Ryan's life is after being back with his father, how Kirsten copes with it, if Seth's and Ryan's friendship survives and if Sandy will be able to fix it all again.
1. Six months later

So this goes to all who had asked for a sequel and a little more to jessylou my encouraging soul ;) For all others: this is a sequel to my story 'Silent Revenge' (a kind of warm up), might be helpful to read first, but I don't think it's necessary. And to all: have fun and enjoy!

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**S**ix months had passed, since Frank Atwood had taken Ryan back, where he came from – back to Chino. He sat at the kitchen counter, alone. Seth still was asleep and Kirsten? Kirsten had moved into an apartment somewhere else and indulged in her drinking problem. She said she needed some time for herself. In his point of view she needed help, a lot of help. She even had forgotten about Seth. Oh Seth. He had been so sad when he had told him Ryan was gone. Seth had blamed himself for this ordeal, because he hadn't been there. But he knew Seth couldn't have done anything. Caleb Nichol had arranged it. He could imagine quite well how he had proceeded: _Mr. Atwood, what about a little deal? I get you out of here and you take your son with you_. Caleb Nichol - he hated this man. He had destroyed his family. He never has had such a big argument with Kirsten like that night. He only had asked her, why she hadn't been able to say no. Why hadn't she found the strength to stand up against her father, for her family, for him, for herself, for…Ryan? After this single question she had freaked out, saying he wouldn't understand her. Of course he didn't understand her. Why had she hesitated? He had accepted Caleb Nichol torturing his wife by never ending work, defiance and criticism. He had accepted Caleb Nichol judging in the worse manner about Ryan and treating him like a dog. He had accepted Caleb Nichol telling him day after day he wasn't good enough for his daughter. But his last action had gone beyond the scope. Kirsten couldn't have thought of him taking all this in silence. But she had. She had wanted him to stay quiet, but he hadn't been able to. He had gone to Caleb and had kicked his ass - not in a Ryan way - but in his. Honestly he had been likely to kick Caleb's ass in a Ryan way. He had to think back to their numerous arguments.

"_I told him, he couldn't issue such an ultimatum towards me. What more should I have don?" _

_"You could have said no and quit your job!"_

" _And then? Sit home the whole day and do nothing? You know I'm not made for a casual housewife life. Why don't you start to accept it?"_

"_I accepted it long enough, but now it goes on the expenses of our family – our kids."_

"_Seth comes to terms with it sometime and…Ryan will be okay. Maybe he's glad to be back with his family. Who knows?"_

"_His father is a violent criminal. I don't think he wants to be back with him."_

"_These are only presumptions. Do you know what? In origin this is your entire fault. You brought him home this one night, without warning, wheedling me into letting him stay here. If this never had happened, my Dad never has had a reason for such an ultimatum and we wouldn't have this argument now!" She had been hysteric._

"_Leave the boy out of this. He has nothing to do with this. Your father manipulated our life before Ryan came to live with us – even before we've got married."_

"_You brought the boy into this. Do you know what? Maybe you have to decide whether you're still contented with us - as your real family - because I have the feeling you rather want this boy as family than us!" She had yelled at him. _

After Caleb had reached what he had wanted, he had started to play Kirsten off against him and it broke her. He hadn't been satisfied then. He wanted more from his daughter. He wanted to rule her.

"_Maybe my Dad is right and you're distracting me too much from my work."_

"_What?"_

"_Look, since this event happened, we're only arguing and this doesn't do us any good, nor Seth, nor my job. Maybe we need a time out?"_

"_Since when do we run away from conflicts? No, we'll sort this out, no matter how long it will take and no matter how much this will distract you from your job!" This time he had raised his voice._

"_You're selfish and exactly this is why you're blaming me for Ryan's leave!"_

She was unable to bear all those conflicts at home and in her father's firm and thus started to drown her sorrows in wine, later vodka.

"_You're drinking too much lately."_

"_Who cares? As long as I work as any one wants me to, it's my business." She had babbled._

"_No, it's not. You're a mother and you have a responsibility at least towards Seth!" _

"_I'm responsible for Seth, for my Dad, for his firm, for you, for Ryan. Is there anything I'm not responsible for?" She had screamed._

"_But all this doesn't justify your excessive drinking."_

"_I'm just having a drink once in a while. Where's the problem?"_

He had confronted her with her drinking problem again and again, but she had denied it.

"_I better leave. I don't wanna live together with you in the same house. It's…just impossible."_

"_Why? Why do you run away?"_

"_Because you can't accept my Dad and the relationship I have to him."_

"_That's not true."_

"_Yes it is. You can't accept that I love him and that I want to be there for him, as daughter and his assistant."_

"_That's a lie. I only don't want him to manipulate our family. Why don't you get it?"_

"_Because he's not manipulating us. You're the only one manipulating!" _

Then she had left. He hadn't been able to stand her deciding pro her father but contra her family. For what did she need her job anyway? They had enough money for the rest of their life. They never would be able to waste all of it due their lifetime. But she hadn't understood. She had accused him he hadn't done enough for Ryan and thus blamed him for their breaking family. But what was he supposed to do? They never had a chance against the biological father, no matter what he had to answer for or not. He had tried to explain it to her. Then he had accepted it and started to excuse. But nothing had shown any effect and at the end she had moved into an apartment. She had said she needed some time for herself and had left. She had left Seth and him alone.

"Morning." His son mumbled when he entered the kitchen.

"Morning. And what's your plan for today?" He felt guilty for his son's mood. He wasn't to be blamed for anything but he was the one who had to pay the bill for the whole misery.

"Dunno."

"C'mon kid. First day of your vacation, you and Summer. You must have a plan."

"Yeah, but no. Summer is somewhere with her father. So it will only be me and Mr. Oats." No sarcasm, no communication. Seth had changed. He had shut down, after Ryan and his Mum have left. Losing your brother and best friend was one thing, but added to that losing your mother must be worse of all. He watched Seth getting his coffee.

"Have you heard something from Mum?" His everyday question and if possible he asked it more than once a day. Okay, Kirsten didn't talk to him and yes, it was okay in somehow. But she also ignored her own son and this was far away from being okay. Seth shouldn't have to suffer under his parents and their conflicts.

"Sorry, nothing. But I was thinking about visiting her today. Do you wanna come?"

"No, no. You better sort things out, before I come in too." It was as if Kirsten wanted to forget them. She hadn't answered any calls and never called them. She hadn't opened the door. Pretending she wasn't there when he wanted to talk to her, but not today. He would break in the door if it was necessary. He was not willing to give up now. He would win her back and then get his family back. His whole family: Kirsten, Seth and Ryan.

"Seth I can imagine how bad you must feel right now. But nothing of what had happened is your fault."

"Sure. But if I had been on this party, Ryan hadn't met Oliver, the situation hadn't escalated and Caleb never had forced Mum to such a decision."

"Seth, Caleb had planned this long before this party. He has had a deal with Ryan's father." His son blaming himself for this misery was unbearable.

"What kind of deal?" Seth sat down next to him. Their relationship had gotten onto another level. Not only like father and son, even like best friends. At least he had been able to save this.

"He buys him out of jail, if he was going to take Ryan." Seth looked at him and shook his head.

"Have you…heard something from Ryan?" Oh, this was the first time Seth asked after Ryan.

"Not much. Only what his probation officer told me. And this is not much."

"Do you think he's okay?"

"He's Ryan, he pushes through it, if it's that bad." He only answered. He wasn't sure if it had been a good idea, letting Ryan go back to his violent and criminal father.

"Yeah, but how long can he go on like that? I'm sure I wouldn't even have survived one month with a drinking mother, a beating father and a criminal brother." This showed quite plainly what Ryan already had been exposed to.

"You can bear a lot if you have to. And nobody says that his father treats him like he had before."

"No, but he's a criminal at all." Yes, Frank Atwood was a criminal. He feared this tendency might affect Ryan. He had improved well, before he had to leave. Ryan was a good kid, growing up under the wrong influence. But what will you do if your brother tells you to steal a car? Run away? This would mean betrayal, thus you jump in only not to cause any break in your brother relationship. And what about a father-son-relationship? One probably would do even more only because of loyalty and Ryan was loyal. You gave him a solid roof over his head and a place to sleep and he did everything for you. Again he was upset what little it took to turn a smart and handsome kid into a criminal.

"I gotta go to work now. If you need something, call me." He said after he had seen how late it already was.

"Cool." Seth answered. He hugged him and then he went off.


	2. The plan

And another chapter. I hope you'll like it. Nevertheless constructive criticism is very welcome ;) So have fun and enjoy

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**H**e was alone. The sun shone, but this was no event here. PS2? No, not today and not alone. Some sailing would be fun, but alone? He dropped down the sofa and switched on the TV. He zapped through the channels - nothing more than crap. Some new comics ought to be fun. He hadn't bought any comics since… Okay, his memory wasn't the best, but this was something to go. He took his skateboard and left the house. Skateboarding along the pier always had been fun – not without Ryan. Man, he had thought he had been over this, when Ryan had come back from the foster home. Who ever had thought his father would come by one day? Little bastard, he at least could have called him once in a while or sent a message. But this was…fucked. No call, no message, nothing more than the feeling of being left alone. Did he really mean nothing to Ryan? If yes he had been good in hiding this from him. He had well pretended to be the best friend. But he never had been. Your best friend passed by once in a while, told you how things were going and asking how you were. Your best friend never pissed off without a word. Shit. Ryan had left and his Mum too. One was bad enough but both? If only Ryan had left he still has had his Mum who would cheer him up. If his Mum has left it would have been Ryan getting him through this. And who now was going to get him through this? Summer was on a nice father-daughter-vacation and he was stuck here.

How was his Mum - his own Mum - able to leave him alone? She always had blamed Ryan's mother for abandoning him, but she wasn't better. She had abandoned him. Wow, this was how one felt when your Mum left you alone in a mess. No wonder that Ryan wasn't the man with the good mood. How had he been able to get over this? No idea, Ryan just had been able to. Damn, he wasn't Ryan. He was Seth and he was sentimental and needed his parents, both of them. He bought his comics and went home again. While he was reading the new Legion the phone rang. The phone rang? Since his Mum had moved out, the house the phone never rang? He went into the kitchen and answered the call.

"Seth Cohen?"

"_Hey honey. It's me."_ She called him? Maybe the first step back into his normal life. Hope arose inside of him.

"Hi. How are you?" He remained cold. He didn't want to make it too easy for her. She needed to suffer a little.

"_I'm okay. Listen, is your Dad home?_"

"No, but you can talk to me either."

"_Sorry sweetie, but this is something between…me and your Dad._" This sounded serious .... this sounded like serious trouble. Should he ask? The worse, but also most important question a kid in his situation can have? He wasn't sure. But it'll be help if she said no, because then he was certain of everything was going to be alright again.

"Sorry to ask this but…you know…you and Dad…are you going to get a divorce?" He heard how she sighed on the other side of the line. No, please. He wasn't able to bear this.

"_I'm sorry honey, I…you…it just can't go on like this. I guess it'll be the best for all of us._" His heard clenched. This gave him the rest. His parents, a divorce? No, not his. What was left for him? He had no friends, his girl was gone and now he ought to lose his parents either?

"No, it won't! It won't be the best for me. At first you force me to live in fucking shit Newport and now you want to leave me alone? Who the fuck do think you are? I need you, as well as I need Dad. I don't want you to… to be one of these Newport couples. You're Mum and Dad - always different from the rest. So stop these fucking thoughts and sort things out!" He screamed into the receiver.

"_Honey, I'm so…so sorry. I shouldn't have told you. But you have to understand me._"

"I have a fuck to do!" He screamed and rang off. He felt how tears ran down his cheeks. He had to prevent this. His parents weren't allowed to get divorced. He needed a plan. Damn, now he really could need a real good friend, but he wasn't there. And now? What now? He was alone. He was fucking alone again and he hated it. He needed someone to talk to. He needed someone he could plan with how to get his parents back together. But whom? Okay, he didn't call and anything. But maybe…This was stupid. When he was back in Chino he probably had enough own problems. He for sure was glad that he wasn't bothered by such a dependent and spoilt kid like Seth Cohen.

On the other hand, had he ever acted or behaved like that? Had he ever complained about his egoism and self-absorption? He had a plan. Nah, it was a pre-plan, but it was one. He now only needed to find him. Was Chino huge? Damn it! Why had Marissa been there, but he hadn't? He had been his brother…friend…brother, whatever. He should have been there too. Okay, his pre-plan needed some more planning before he could realize it. He went to his room and switched on his computer. One sec, who knew if he was in Chino? Hadn't he mentioned Fresno? He had. Before his father had been arrested and his mother had dragged him to Chino he had lived in Fresno. Damn it. This was like looking for a needle in a haystack. He went to his cell phone. One person indeed could have an idea where Ryan could be found.

"_Marissa Cooper?_"

"Uh, Hi. It's Seth Cohen." He should have considered her rejection towards him. Yes, he had been a little mean, but she had deserved it. But this meant he had deserved her rejection either. Man, things were complicated nowadays.

"_Oh. What do you want?_" No insult? No screaming? Just a coolheaded and calm Marissa? She definitely was becoming more and more like her mother. Julie Cooper two. This sounded as if apocalypse stood in front of his door.

"You had been in Chino with Ryan, right?"

"_Yeah. Why do you ask?_"

"It's because I'm looking for him. He hadn't touched base with me, so I just wanted to see if everything is alright with him."

"_Cohen, this is pathetic. You're suffocating. Isn't it obvious that he didn't want to stay in contact?_"

"No, it isn't. I'm only concerned, nothing else." He justified himself. He wasn't suffocating and that Ryan didn't give a call or stuff didn't mean he wanted to get rid of him. Ryan just didn't belong to these sentimental ones. That was all.

"_Your business. So tell me what you want._"

"Uhm…do you have an idea where he could be or do you know someone who could know?"

"_Uh…yeah, I guess. There was this girl next door. I've forgotten her name. Tina? No. But it was something with a T at the beginning. T…T…Theresa! Theresa Diaz._" Wow, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

"And she could know where Ryan is?"

"_I think so. They were very good friends, even a couple once._"

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

"_No problem. And Cohen?_"

"Yeah?"

"_If you find him, can you tell him I'm sorry?_" Someone sounded as if she had a bad conscience. And she had enough reason to. After what his Mum had told him, she had hurled evil insults against Ryan.

"Sure."

"_Like in old days. Operation Ryan two._"

"Yeah. Okay; I gotta get start the operation. Bye."

"_Bye_"

Now this was a question about how to find a Theresa Diaz in Chino. Dude,why hadn't he thought earlier of that? His Dad probably knew where Ryan had lived before Newport. And when Theresa was the girl next door it shouldn't be a big thing to find her. He took his cell phone again and called his Dad. This kind of work had a positive effect. He forgot about his Mum and the fact she wanted a divorce. Wow, this sentence really had shocked him, but he had a plan and he was going to stop them. Oh yeah. He wouldn't allow his parents to get divorced and thus join the endless list of broken Newport families. No, his family was going to survive this thunderstorm. He would take care of it.


	3. Newport meets Chino

Wow, two chapters on one day! This story will be a lot of drama, tears, blood and sweat. (huh maybe not so much blood, because only imagining it makes me sick) So have fun and enjoy!

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**T**he sun shone, it was hot and he was tiered. Living in Newport had left its marks. Normally after a day like that he never had felt tired like this. Okay, he had worked double shift. He had to. He needed the money if he wanted to leave. Shit, he still was on probation. So no matter how much money he was able to save he was not going to leave this state. Man, he needed a serious conversation with Miss Fortune, otherwise he was going to end up as a nut case like Oliver.

"Hey Ryan!" He heard a well known voice. And immediately he felt guilty. He hadn't called or anything. He just had pissed off. Dude, he was screwed. He went to the person the voice belonged to.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked Seth. Why was this boy not able to forget him? He had to, if he wanted his peaceful and stable life back. He was no good for him.

"Visiting an old friend, who not even had called me once, since he had bunked off." Thanks. This was what he needed. He started to feel even more miserable as he did anyway.

"Yeah, sorry. Wasn't that easy." He apologized. It was a lame excuse. But what else was he supposed to say? He couldn't come up with the truth. Seth would freak out and then there would be even more problems than he already had. No, he had to leave Seth out of his life in Chino. Chino wasn't a place for someone like Seth. Chino was rough and unrelenting. Seth never was going to come to terms here. With him it was different. He was a part of Chino. He was Chino. He lived and he would die here. Never knowing how much time he had left. For him shootings, yelling and pain belonged to an everyday ritual. He felt strange when a day only was missing one of these three ingredients for a Chino-life.

But Seth was not going to deal with it. He had to get him out of here, as fast as possible, or Chino would swallow him and never let him go again.

"No problem. I know you're not one of these sentimental guys, although I would have appreciated it. Since you're gone everything's messed up." This sounded as if someone needed help. And it sounded as if even his absence caused trouble. Nice.

"Sorry to hear."

"Yeah. Do you remember what I've said the one day, when Luke got shot and we waited in the hospital?" Yes, he remembered. How was he able to forget this night and what had happened then?

"I do, but I don't get what you want to tell me through this." He only hoped things weren't as bad as he assumed they were. Okay, he knew Seth. When he occurred and was asking for help in his Seth-way of asking, he could be sure things were gone for the worse.

"Well, I need you. Or better I need your help. But not here. I don't want to make this public. You know."

"So, what about grabbing a snack and then you'll tell me?"

"Sounds good. I'm starving."

They both sat ata table in a dinner. He often went here, when he wasn't in the mood to prepare dinner or lunch at home or when he didn't want to stay at home longer than necessary.

"So, what's up?" He asked Seth.

"You're not wasting any time and this is exactly what I like about you. No beating around the bush, but a clear statement. This is cool. You should keep that. Or better teach me how…" There was something wrong and Seth felt uncomfortable about it, that was the reason why he was talking so much nonsense.

"Seth, spit it out."

"Well, I…I really feel bad to implicate you in this, but…you're the only one who probably can prevent the Cohen family from falling apart." From what? The Cohen family falling apart? He always had thought it was resilient. This had to be one of Seth's very bad jokes. The Cohens sort things out, but didn't fall apart.

"You don't wanna tell me wh…"

"My parents are thinking about a divorce. Nah, my Mum thinks about it." Wow. This was worse he had thought it was going to be. Kirsten separating from Sandy? This was impossible. They belonged together like... sun and moon. They couldn't get a divorce. This wasn't right in somehow. No, this was more than strange.

"Sorry to hear that. Uhm…but…you know your parents? I thought they were inseparable."

"Yeah, that's what I thought as well. But after you've left with your Dad and…" Shit. What a fucked up was he? He caused Sandy and Kirsten getting divorced? He was the reason for Seth's miserable stat? Not again. He had thought if he was gone things went normal again for the Cohens. He had wanted to help them, not to destroy. Hell, he was walking trouble and even if he was out of sight he harmed other people.

"Sorry, I didn't want…I mean if I had known things were going to end up like that…"

"No, this time it's not your fault... nah, maybe a little, because you were the catalyst and all this happened after Caleb told my Mum to kick you out... but I dunno. I guess this is more about Caleb Nichol, my Dad and my Mum. I guess you've noticed my Dad is no big fan of Caleb and my Mum is under her father's thumb and stuff. All in all my parents had a fight, because my Dad wasn't able to witness how Caleb went on determining my Mum's life and troubling our family and then he issued an ultimatum. Either my Mum decides for her family and breaks up with her Dad or she goes on like that but without my Dad's support. Mum completely flipped, left the house and since then we haven't seen or heard from her. But today she called me and told me things can't go on like this and she wants a divorce." And he had only thought his life went that way. He felt sorry for Seth. He didn't deserve this, especially after what he had all done for him. He had been such a big help for him and as reward he got a destroyed family. Well done Atwood. Maybe he should think about leaving the state, without wasting a thought about his probation. If he was far enough away from all this, things might get back to normal. Or they got worse. Nobody was able to cause trouble due being absent, but he does. He had told them from the very beginning this wasn't going to work, but nobody had wanted to believe him. He had to straighten this again, before Seth's world broke into pieces.

"And how can I help?" He asked carefully.

"Can I find accommodation with you?" What? Seth at his home? What was he going to think when he saw how he was living? And what should he tell his father? And how can he keep Seth out of serious trouble? And how could he hide his…job from him? This wasn't working. Seth never would understand. This was not Newport where you just asked your friend whether you can stay over night and then you had a place to stay. Here.... he couldn't allow this insight in his life. This would ruin their friendship. Okay it was to ba asked whether their friendshipt was still existing. But.... this was going to be embarrassing.

"Listen Seth, I don't know what's your plan and I really want to help you. I would do everything to make things undone, but…you can't stay at my place." What a fucked up friend was he? At least he should know how it was having no place to stay. Right now, he wasn't any better than his friends had been then. All lame excuses, why he couldn't stay with them still swirled through his mind and sometimes he still listened to them when his father has had his very bad mood. This was Chino. In Chino you had no friends.

"Ryan, you don't need to feel embarrassed about your home. I don't mind if it's one of these Chino houses. I can imagine this will be a good experience for me. Getting to see what's outside of this Newport bubble." Okay, it wasn't exactly only about the way he lived. It was more about his father and…his little job. But he just couldn't say no.

"Okay Seth, but there are some rules you better follow if you don't want to get into any trouble. Understood?"

"Sure. Now we're in your hood with your rules. I promise I can adapt to every situation. Nobody will notice I'm not from here. I will be like all these Chino kids: rough and untouchable." He looked at Seth and he had to laugh. He admired him for his ability to keep his humour in every situation. Nah, it was his sarcasm and yes he had missed it. A few improper sentences at the wrong time could lighten up strained situation. And here? Here they would only cause trouble.

"Just shut up okay? Too many words can cause too much trouble, because you never know whom you're going to insult with one simple word."

"Okay, I can shut up. I'm not saying any word. You won't hear any sound coming out of my mouth, promised."

"Then let's go."

They were wondering through the dry, but crowded streets of Chino. He noticed Seth felt insecure here. It was strange. Everybody thought it was normal to feel insecure in a place like Chino. But if you told them, you're feeling the same in some place called Newport, they're only shaking their heads. He still remembered his first night with the Cohens. He had felt very uncomfortable and insecure. In somehow he had been glad when he had gotten back to Chino. This was his home, he knew every corner of it and he knew how to behave around here. Seth probably now felt the same: without any idea how to behave, what to say or not.

"Don't worry. It's not as bad as it looks." He encouraged his friend.

"Oh…sorry I didn't mean to offend you." Seth speechless and shy? He had to mark this day red in his calendar.

"So here we are. Please be quiet. I don't know if my Dad is there. But if he is, he's probably asleep. So, just be silent." Seth nodded. They stepped in. The living room looked like a battlefield, as the rest of the house. He had stopped tidying up, because his father didn't keep the order. He looked around, his father wasn't there.

"He's not there. So you can start talking."

"Well, looks…interesting."

"Yeah, sorry. I've didn't reckon with your visit."

"No problem. So, when will your Dad be here?"

"Dunno, this evening or tomorrow."

"Oh…but this is a new step in our friendship. Now I get to know where you come from and who your father is. I guess…" This went a bit too far for his taste.

"Seth, stop. My Dad is not like Sandy. He won't be too happy about you being here. So when he comes just let me do the talk and forget about your politeness, okay? Now you're in Chino. Life works a little different here."


	4. What kind of friend?

Huhu :) It's me again. So I hope you like this one. Have fun and enjoy

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**T**he next morning he awoke from his not really restful sleep. Ryan and let him sleep on the couch, while he had made himself comfortable on the floor. Wow, at least a bed was something one needed, especially a not yet seventeen year old construction worker. Man this Chino world was weird. He started to feel bad about all this. He had everything at home and Ryan not even had a bed or a closet.

"Hey Seth, time to get up." Ryan said.

"Yeah." He got up and put on his cloths. Ryan stood in the kitchen preparing the breakfast. He sat down on the couch or bed or whatever it was.

"Here." Ryan handed him a plate with pancakes. Hey, it had been long ago when he had pancake for breakfast.

"So what are we doing today?"

"I'll have to go to work and maybe I can place you at Theresa's as long as I'm away."

"First of all: vacations are there to relax. Second of all: I can stay here." He answered. He was no little puppy that couldn't survive on his own. He hated this protective behaviour.

"First of all: the rent for this here needs to be paid as well as some other bills. Second of all: I don't want you to be here alone in case my father comes back. Understood?" Hey, he started to think of Ryan's father as a monster. He only hoped he wasn't.

"But why do you care for the rent and bills? I mean what is your father doing the whole time?"

"Getting drunk." Ryan answered got up and brought his dish into the kitchen. He had dropped a brick. Ryan's life really had taken a turn for the worse.

"And what when you're in school?" He asked. He asked, because he felt uncomfortable and he wanted to get to know things weren't as bad as they sounded right now.

"School? Are you kidding? Man, this is what teenagers in our age are doing when they're living in Newport. Here in Chino you start getting a fulltime job at the age of thirteen." Shit. He really had dropped a second brick. He better staid silent. He didn't want to seem as the spoilt and dependent boy he was.

"Sorry, I didn't want to snap you. But…things here aren't as easy as they are in Newport, okay?" He only nodded. Two worlds were colliding with each other. This was the gap between him and Ryan. Chino always had been the gap between Ryan and Newport, between Ryan and his parents, between Ryan and Marissa. He started to appreciate his life at home. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to run away. His Dad had called him several times on his cell phone, but he hadn't answered it. He had left a letter, which told his parents he was reluctant to accept the current situation at home and he wasn't going to come back until his parents hadn't sorted things out like adults.

"C'mon dude, we gotta go!" Ryan dragged him out of his thoughts. He had convinced Ryan he was able to care for himself, thus he wandered around Chino. There were even some nice places like a park with a playground. He sat down on a bench and watched the kids playing around. If Ryan ever had been airily like them? He doubted it. He never had seen Ryan airily. He always was drowned in some thoughts. But in case he had been, how long did it take until these kids wear the same cold and rough expression on their face, Ryan wore? How was it possible that two boys in the same age were that different? He for his part couldn't imagine working as construction worker instead of going to school. But he also couldn't imagine earning the money he and his parents needed to exist. He felt bad towards Ryan. He had left his paradise only because of some conflict between his parents, pretending as if everything he had at home meant nothing to him. But it was wrong. His home, his parents and friends, his room, his pool and Mr. Oats meant everything to him. He threw a look onto his watch. Four o'clock, time to pick up Ryan from his work.

They reached the house. It was already getting dark. He could hear voices coming out of the house.

"Seems as if he's back." He said.

"Yeah." Ryan snorted. Hey, he didn't seem too happy about that. They went in and there he was. Frank Atwood. Tall like a tree, dark haired and a bit looking like he was doing some kind of workout. All in all he didn't give a confiding impression.

"Who's that?" He slurred. Not even seven and already drunk.

"A friend." Ryan answered. Short. In this situation it wasn't difficult to keep one's mouth shut.

"I have a job for you tonight." Ryan's father said. Wow, another one? He had thought child labour was prohibited.

"Seth, go and wait outside." Ryan said in a determining voice. Did this job mean trouble?

"He can give you a hand." Ryan's father replied.

"No he can't!" Ryan now said even more determining in his do-wait-I-told-you-or-you'll-be-dead-voice. Thus he better turned round and went off. He was glad when he was far away from the house. The atmosphere was more than strained and he had feared they both were going to have a fight. Comparing Ryan with his father, Ryan probably would be the one, losing a fight if it came up to it. Ryan stepped out and grabbed his arm.

"Hey, what is that for?" He asked his friend. He had a dark look on his face. It smelled after trouble. And he was sure it was trouble, navigating Ryan straight back into jail. He needed to help him, but how if he didn't say a word?

"I place you at Theresa's until I've finished this job." He said. The reached another house, the same like the one, Ryan lived in. It only looked more tidy and in somehow nicer. Ryan knocked at the door and a tall, thin and dark haired girl opened.

"Hey Ryan, what's up?" She was smiling at them.

"Can you take care of my friend for a while?" He asked her.

"Why? I guess he's old enough."

"I only need to do a job and then I'll take him with me."

"Take him with you." Oh, this girl was a little bitchy.

"I can't." Ryan said with gritted teeth.

"Let me guess, the Frank Atwood kind of a job?" He only shrugged his shoulders. Why did she know about what all this was, but he didn't?

"He's navigating you on the direct way back to jail, do you know that?" She now started a tell-off. She not only was bitchy, but even concerned. Nice mix of a woman.

"What shell I do instead?"

"Switch your brain on? Stop caring for your father? Starting to say no? I mean your brother got you into jail, because you haven't been able to say no and your father is doing the same. But this time nobody can play it down to a misdemeanour. This time it will be a crime and you will have to serve a stretch for it." Okay, Ryan was in serious trouble again and he needed help.

"This is my business isn't it?"

"Right, and I'm glad you don't want to implicate your friend into this mess. Come in." She said into his direction.

Ryan came back late at night. He looked darker than ever. He and Theresa vanished in another room, but he could hear them talking.

"And? Are you proud of making use of the addictions of children?" She asked Ryan.

"I got rid of it, pleased?"

"What? And how will Frank react?"

"As usual. Did you really think I would…go that far?"

"You stole a car, because your brother told you to. And Frank is your father. This thought isn't far out, isn't it?"

"Yeah. So, don't worry about me. I come to terms and you know that."

"Sorry, but…I still have some kind of feelings for you." He heard Ryan sighing.

"Theresa, it's over. I'm no good for you. You should go back to school. You're a smart girl. You can get far from here, if you only start to."

"Look who's talking."

"Yeah. So, thanks for taking care of him."

"Anytime and if you can't stay home tonight, just drop by."

Ryan came back and with some gesture told him to go. They reached the house. He saw some hesitating in Ryan. How worse was it and how was Mr. Atwood going to react? What meant as usual and hell, he wanted to know about what kind of job he was talking to Theresa.

"Where's my money?" The man asked.

"Go and get you a job." Help! Since when did a son talk this way to his father? Mr. Atwood looked not really happy about this answer.

"You're fresh and disrespectful? I need to teach you a lesson what?" He looked at Ryan, his face had darkened. Man, how much darker could this boy's expression get? He never had seen this expression on him before and he wasn't sure if he wanted to see it.

"Go nuts." Ryan really had no feeling for time to shut up.

"Okay…" Mr. Atwood said and put the bottle he had held in his hand onto the table. Oh, oh. This didn't mean, what he thought it did or? Not in front of his eyes, or?

"Seth, go." He wanted, but he couldn't move. He was frightened, really frightened.

"Piss off!!" Ryan screamed at him. He awoke from his trance and did as Ryan has told. Ryan always told him the right thing to do. He waited outside. Listen to the silence, but some strange noises were disturbing this peace. They came out of Ryan's home. No screaming or stuff, but strange noises. As if something heavy thuds onto the ground or…something like that. He only hoped it wasn't Ryan who was falling onto the ground. Then nothing. It staid silent. The door opened and Ryan stepped out. He looked at him. Shit. This was not true, was it? A shiner and split lip, this was what he saw. Who knew what was covered by the cloths? Now he understood why Ryan had hesitated when he had asked him whether he can stay with him. Man, this was…strange. His father wouldn't be too happy about him being smug like Ryan had been. But his father never would beat him because of that. The worse thing happening to you at the Cohen's home after you've messed something up was being grounded. And even this punishment was abolished after a few days.

"C'mon, I get you home." Ryan said. He sounded angry. No wonder. Who wouldn't be angry after one's father kicked one's ass. They drove in silence. What kind of friend was he? Ryan had gotten his ass kicked and he hadn't done anything to stop it. But now he realized why Ryan was as he was. Who knew how he would behave if he had grown up same way as Ryan. No wonder that this kid didn't like to talk much.


	5. Problem Children

Another chapter ;) Hope you like it. Reviews are still very welcome. So have fun and enjoy

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**H**e heard a car driving up the driveway. It was an old and rather rotten pickup truck. It was Seth, getting out of the car. Who was the driver? He couldn't see who was on the driver's seat. But this didn't matter. Seth had run away and he didn't tolerate this. How often had he told this boy he shell come and talk to him instead of run away?

"Seth, where have you been?" But this question was superfluous when the driver of the car got out.

"Ryan? I could have thought of it earlier." Now he was angry. At least from Ryan he had expected a more reliable behaviour.

"Uh…Seth, I thought your father knew…"

"Yeah, he knew I was looking for you, but…"

"Seth!" Ryan obviously wasn't too happy about Seth's answer. Well, if Ryan had been fooled by Seth he wasn't to be blamed by anything. On the other hand Ryan should know Seth long enough to notice when something was wrong.

"You two come in, we discuss it inside!" He said. Seth passed him slowly, with his head hanging down. Ryan remained outside. What was that? Hadn't he been clear enough? Ryan was on his way back to his car. Stop.

"Ryan I meant you as well." He said in a determining voice. What game was Ryan playing right now? He used to do, what he told him. Why not now?

"This is between you and Seth. I haven't a hand in it." What was wrong with this boy? He never was smug and disrespectful, after all not towards him. Something had changed. But it had been six months since he had spoken to Ryan for the last time and even then he had been very reserved towards him. This gap had increased. Well, this was to be expected. But that Ryan started to turn into a stranger never had come to his mind.

"Ryan, I want to talk about this to you as well." He wasn't used to play the dominant in front of the boy. Though it was as if he couldn't reach him in another manner. He saw how Ryan slammed the door of the car. He sighed. What went wrong when a smart, perceptive and reliable boy like Ryan turned into … into this?

"Seth, what is wrong with you? What's up your mind when you decide to run away just like that, without a word?" He asked his son, who sat quietly on the couch. His gesture told him, he already noticed he had messed it up. He sat down next to him.

"Seth, talk to me! Tell me what you thought when you bunked off." Seth shrugged his shoulders. He still focused his hands. He heard sobs. It never occured to him Seth was going to suffer under the strained relationship between him and Kirsten.

"I…I don't want you and Mum to get divorced. I…I want both of you getting back together. I want things to be as they were before." Tears ran down his son's cheek. He never had seen Seth crying since they had moved from Berkley to Newport. It broke his heart to see his son like crying. He didn't deserve all this pain. He shouldn't be bothered by his parent's conflicts.

"I know and…this divorce…this is only what your Mum thinks about. She had some current problem to deal with and I'm sure she's not aware of what a divorce really means." He took his son into his arms. It had been a long time ago he had done so.

"I'm not letting your Mum go. I promise. But sometimes sorting things out needs time."

"But she had said…"

"This was not your Mum talking. It was frustration and probably some vodka." He had taught him to be honest, thus he had to be as well.

"Do you mean, she's…" Another bad news, yes. He had been glad when he saw Seth not noticing his Mum's drinking problem. He shouldn't have to bother with it. So he needed to calm Seth down. He didn't need to be aware of the full extension of his mother's conflict with herself and her father.

"I don't think she crossed this boarder and I'll do everything in my power to protect her from that." When Seth had come home first he wanted to ground him at least for two weeks. But sitting with him on the couch, having him crying in his arms erased his anger. He only felt sorry for his son. And he had to blame himself for what Seth had done. He should have taken better care of him. He should have seen Seth didn't cope well with their situation. He heard the tea kettle wheeze. He got up.

"I'll be right back." He said to Seth and stroked through his hair, before he left for the kitchen. While he prepared the tea, he was listening to the boys talking. And again he was surprised how different they were.

"Do you really think your parents aren't able to fix this again?"

"I dunno. Only I know that I feel miserable since my Mum had moved into her apartment. And Dad still thinks I don't know my Mum's an alcoholic. Man it sucks when nobody tells you anything." His heart clenched when he heard this. His son had noticed. He hadn't been able to protect him.

"Maybe I can help."

"How? Man, you have enough problems on your own. I shouldn't have bothered you with all this."

"Nah…stop that, okay? You and your parents have done a lot for me. Now it's my turn to give at least a little back of what your parents and you have given to me. I have to help you and them to fix this. Understood?" This boy still was able to astonish him. How grown up he sounded when he talked like that.

"And how?"

"I have a plan. Do you have any address, where I can find your Mum?" It was Seth's Mum and Seth's Dad, not Kirsten and Sandy anymore. Damn, how he missed having this boy around, with his dry humour and his talent to get Seth back on earth with only a few words. He went back to the living room. Seth had chilled again.

"And now it's your turn, Ryan." He said and gave the tea cups to the boys. Ryan looked questioning at him.

"You haven't had any opportunity to give us a call or anything?"

"Trouble with the media company." When he looked at the boy he could only believe him this. He looked quite shabby with his white shirt, his worn out jeans and…and the shiner on his face? Just like the day he had picked him up from Chino and brought him home.

"Hey, I thought that's what you're working for."

"Seth!" Ryan reproved Seth through gritted teeth. But this caught his attention.

"So, what's about school?" He asked just in case he would receive an answer. He would receive one, but it probably was going to come from Seth than from Ryan.

"He's not going, because he has to bring home the money for the rent and some other bills. And I guess the money which is missing for the telephone is spent for some alcohol. Am I right?" Seth said acid-tongued. He watched Ryan clenching his jaw. Bull's eye.

"I better go now. It's late." Ryan said.

"Ryan, wait, don't you want to stay over night?" He asked him. Now, where he had gotten a slight insight into Ryan's life with his father, he didn't feel good, lettig him going home. Damn it, this here was his home. This was the place he belonged to - to him and them - not to some criminal who made use of his manpower.

"No. I…"

"He will stay at Theresa's, won't you? Or will you go back to this asshole?" With a harsh movement Ryan turned around.

"This asshole is still my Dad so don't you dare talking about him like that!" Ryan snarled. Now he seemed to be angry. And he was anxious about what might be behind this quarrel between Ryan and Seth.

"Oh yeah, he's your Dad. Having someone, who incites you to commit crimes and kicks you ass if you don't do so, as Dad must be fun." Seth said. When he started talking like that, one could be sure there was something contrary to his sense of justice. He looked at Seth and then to Ryan. He only hoped Ryan wasn't going to use his fists to make Seth stop talking.

"What does this mean?" He now intervened and asked Ryan. He shook his head. There was some sore point touched through Seth and as he had known from the very beginning, things had taken a turn for worse for Ryan.

"Maybe you ask him, whom he got the shiner from." Seth said and now it was clear. Ryan had gotten back where he came from, back to an abusive parent, back to an insecure and instable life determined by crimes and violence. He felt bad, very bad. This boy already had been through so much. He wasn't able to bear any more. He would break if there wasn't someone who got him out of his situation.

"This is enough." The boy wanted to leave, but he grabbed his arm and stopped him. He wouldn't let him leave without proper answer and especially not, when he was leaving for a home of violence and crime. The boy has had enough it.

"Ryan, is true what Seth says? Does your father abuse you? Does he force you to some criminal action?" He wanted to look into these blue eyes, telling everything. But Ryan averted his face, as he had done when they met first time.

"Ryan, I can help you, but you need to talk to me." He looked at Seth and knew his son was more than likely to have Ryan back at home. When someone six months earlier had told him he was going to have two problem children and one crazy wife, he probably hadn't believed it.

"You should be concerned about your problems in first place. If you've fixed them, you may ask me this question again." Ryan said, escaped his grab and went out the door. His wife had been right. Things went over their – over his – head. His son, his wife and now Ryan. How was he supposed to fix all this? He had to and he had to be fast. If he took too long his wife might have arranged everything for their divorce, Seth might be a case for a shrink and Ryan was back in jail or hospital or even worse.


	6. Alcohol

Hi! So I hope you still like this or not? Tell me what you think. Apart from that have fun and enjoy

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**H**e stood in front of her door waiting for her to open it. What had Sandy said, even alcohol? Wow, this was the last he had thought Kirsten would do. She always had seemed to be down-to-earth. But people changed. She opened, in a sloppy look in which she seemed as if she just came out of bed.

"Ryan?" She asked and he smelled she has had some drinks.

"Yeah, can I come in, please?"

"Sure." She stepped aside to let him in. "So what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He was nervous and not sure if this was working. But he had to give it a try. Seth was his best friend. He needed his help and what was better than some kind of shock treatment? She led him into a living room. It was chaos. What was wrong with this woman, who used to keep everything in order?

"Sit down." She said and he did. He put a bottle onto the table. The question whether he had a chance or not depended on how she was going to react.

"Uh…thanks. But I…don't drink …uh vodka."

"No? Doesn't smell like that."

"I…I only had a little drink nothing more. I…"

"That's what my mother used to say, when she had finished her bottle of whisky." He didn't want to give her a chance to excuse. It was strange, but her behaviour hurt him. He never had though she would sink deep down like that.

"Ryan, I'm not like your mother. I'm different and you know that. Besides, what happened to your face?"

"Alcohol happened. And if you really want to be different from my mother, you stop drinking and get your ass back, where it belongs to." He never had imagined having to talk like that to Kirsten Cohen.

"What do you want to tell me?"

"That Seth misses you and he's hurt by your behaviour. He needs you. He needs both of his parents, but right in this moment his Mum isn't there for him."

"I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Seth, but…but I can't go home." She still was calm. Normal Kirsten Cohen would have kicked his ass for talking like that to her. No, this was so not Kirsten.

"But you have to. Or do you want to ditch him, like my mother had ditched me? Just leaving without a word, without a hug?"

"I told you I'm not like your mother. I have serious problems to deal with. I won't be a good mother for Seth with this burden on my shoulders."

"Sure. My mother must have left a good impression if you start to quote her."

"Ryan…"

"No, now you're carefully listening to me, because what I'll tell you, I'm only going to tell you once this single time. Right in this moment, you're not different from Dawn. You're drunk, selfish and uncaring and if you don't stop drinking, your son will lose his mother through alcohol."

"I…I won't let him alone, I'll see him, talk to him. I…I only can't live on with his father. It only had been a matter of time until it turned out to be like this. But I'm still be there for Seth."

"Really? You wanna talk to him in such a state? You won't be able to. The only one who'll answer his question will be the alcohol and you won't listen to him, because the alcohol is making you deaf to other people's problems. If you don't change and turn back to normal you soon will lose everything, your son and husband, your job, money, your reputation. Everything you've worked so hard for. Is this really worth it?"

"What do you know, can you tell me that? You're just a sixteen years old kid. You have no idea about my life. I have serious problems…" She screamed at him.

"Then solve them, but properly and not with alcohol!"

"You're a little paranoid kid! Only because your life went like this it doesn't mean it'll be the same for Seth. I have control over my actions!"

"Sure, that's why you're drunk at…eight in the evening. That's what I call control. If you don't want Seth ending up like I did, then you stop this and work the shit out with him and Sandy, but without this here." He tossed the bottle - he had placed on the table before - down to the floor.

"End up like you? You've had quite a nice time with us. Did you forget what I have done for you? You ungrateful little piece of scum." This was the alcohol speaking. This was not her. No, this wasn't her. Shit, this hurt and she wasn't even his mother. No, this was what alcohol made people saying. It was not her. Well, his mother never had been different, whether with or without…but this wasn't Dawn, this was Kirsten.

"Tell me, what in fucking hell did your mother do so bad that you come here, blaming and insulting me as if I was some kind of cheap alcoholic bitch?" Now or never? This could work or not. There still was a gleam of the loving mother who would do everything to protect Seth. Was he able to reach this mother?

"Do you really wanna know? I'll tell you: my mother brought home some guy called Steve. The day she brought him home I lost my childhood and my ass its virginity. She didn't hear my screaming, although she was watching TV next to my room. Weird, but when you're twelve you think it's possible, even when you scream your guts up for more than an hour. But do you know what the worse of all was? She only laughed at me, when I went to her telling what this Steve had done to me. Only laughter and no believing. And you wonder why I don't trust anyone. I tell you alcohol doesn't only ruin your life, but also those of all others around you, who care for you. So just stop this fucking freak show and go back to your family. They love you, they miss you and they need you. And forget about the divorce. Sandy is not willing to let you go. So, just apologize for what you've done to him and Seth and be thankful for the life you have."

"You're worthless nothing coming here, trying to make me feel bad by making up some story. I've known from the very beginning that you were no good. You're no different from the rest of Chino's scum, so piss off! I don't wanna see you again, NEVER!!!" She screamed. He got up and went out by himself. She threw a glass after him. He was prepared. He knew all this reactions quite too well to forget being prepared for the worse.

Nevertheless he hoped this conversation was having an effect on her. If not he had wasted time and words for nothing. Man, he never was going to talk so much way too soon. He hated talking. He hated it especially when it was about him and his past. He started to regret having told her about this one day. While he had told her about it, it had been as if every single scene from this day had crossed his mind. This was going to be a nice night for him. He probably wouldn't get any sleep. It was scaring how long things can hurt you, although they belonged to the past for years. And it was even harder talking about them seriously. Not like he had done the one day, when he had told Seth. This just had been like an explanation for … his current behaviour, nothing else. This time he really had wanted to make clear to someone what it meant to be… and not having someone to talk about it. Man, did this hurt. He only wanted to curl up on his bed, blanket over his head and cry. But first of all he had no bed and second of all he hadn't cried since he had been…he had no idea. But it had been before this one day. He couldn't remember having lost one single tear this day. Yes, he was screwed.

He got into his car. What if Kirsten wasn't going to be normal again? How was Seth supposed to cope with it? He wasn't a cut from the same deck. He had grown up in this save Newport bubble. If things like that happened, he had no emergency plan. He, for his part, used to have one since his father had gotten into jail. Maybe he should talk to Seth about it? He needed to help Seth through this but it was difficult. He lived in Chino, Seth in Newport. Seth was going to school, he had a job. Now where Seth really needed him, he wasn't able to be there for him. Shit. And this after all he had done for him. This wasn't fair.

Kirsten probably had been right about him being ungrateful and…no this only was the alcohol. Shit. Alcohol was ruining everything what meant something to him: his family and now Seth's. In a brainwave Kirsten's words ran through his mind again. _You're worthless nothing. I don't wanna see you again, never, you're ungrateful little piece of scum._ Damn. This hurt. He should be used to words like that. But he wasn't. He… _Ryan, I can't do this anymore. I want you out of my _house. Again he stood in the empty house, reading what his mother had scribbled down on a dirty sheet of paper. Then he stood in Fresno, between all her bags. _We're leaving today. I can't do this anymore. _He was back in Kirsten's apartment. Then he was back in Chino with his father. _You're worth nothing you little piece of shit. You wanna go to school? Forget it. If you want to live here, go and get you a job. Your choice: job or foster home. _He again saw his mother, cigarette in her mouth, scotch in her hand. _Help yourself. I can't do so. If he beats you, he has a reason. How often have I told you to be quiet when he's here? Just stay out of his way or better: just stay somewhere, but not here, when he's with me. Okay?_

He had trouble to concentrate on the traffic. Scenes from his past crossed his mind again and again. His heart beat faster and faster and his body was drenched in sweat. He stopped the car at the roadside, got out and took some deep breaths. Leaving. He wanted to leave. Oh god, leaving all this behind must be a wonderful feeling of lightness. How bad did he want to leave, but he couldn't. His whole life was messed up and why? All this because of alcohol and some fucked up violent men, only committing crime after crime, with one of them being his father. Rage. He was in rage. He needed to get off steam. He started to kick against the wheels of his car, again and again. He didn't pay attention to the passing people looking at him. He only wanted to get out of the shit he was in. He only wanted to have a normal life, without crimes, without violence and without alcohol - especially without alcohol.

And again he drifted back into his past. He saw this one man stealing his childhood - if he then still had owed one. There were all these men he didn't know, but reserving the right to beat and kick him, the right to throw him out of the house in the middle of the night - although he already had been asleep. All these people he didn't know. _Honey, Mummy needs a time out. Why don't you go to one of your friends and stay there for a week? _Because he never had real friends. If your mother throws you out nobody was there for you, not even Theresa had been. He had slept outside in the streets of Chino for one week. Until then it only had been sometimes the weekends. This had been a whole fucking week. And again he saw Kirsten looking at him, as if she wanted to kill him. He still saw how she threw the glass after him and her cold expression when she had said all these words. Man he was so fucking tiered of all this. He only wanted to get rid of these memories. They hurt. They only hurt and putting them into words was hurting even more. He hurt. He only wanted a place to hide - his black hole, without noises, feelings, tastes and smells. He wanted to hide in this black hole, where he was alone – all on his own. He didn't want to stay here.

When he got calm again he drove off. Tonight he was going to sleep somewhere else. The home, he was paying for, was no save place for him. Man what kind of father did he get? Sandy would teach Seth a lesson if he started to get up to a bit of no good. And his father asked him to. What did ask mean? If he didn't do as his father told, he was fucked up. He only was glad that his father already had been pretty drunk, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to drive Seth back home. Stop. He had to get rid of these thoughts. They were only blinding him and he needed to be able to see clear. No one survived Chino blind. You had to be deaf to do so. But if you were blind, you belonged to the top ten of the victim list.

He stopped the car and knocked at the door. She opened him.

"Can't stay home?" She asked him. He shook his head. She always cared and he felt bad because he didn't respond to her feelings. But it wouldn't work. She only would get drowned in his shit as well and he couldn't risk this.

"Then come in. Do you want something to eat?"

"No, thanks. I'm okay."

"I'm okay," she mocked him. "You should start to work on your vocabulary."

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do." He answered and sat down on the couch. Although she knew he had no feelings for her, she snuggled up to him and he was not going to push her away. The warmth of her body made him relax and forget about everything.

"You shouldn't have to live here." She started. It was like they were kids again. They had lain somewhere on the ground, stared at the sky and pictured what their lives were going to be. She had wanted to be a mannequin and later a police officer. And now the world of the mannequin's was way too aloof and police officers were their enemies.

"You do neither." He answered. She always had wanted to see more of the world than Chino and he really wished she was going to reach this aim. She deserved it.

"Yeah, but I have my family here. I mean real family. My Mum isn't an alcoholic, my Dad's neither in jail nor kicking my ass and I could go to school if I wanted to. For you it's different."

"Thanks for reminding me."

"I'm only thinking you should leave this place and start from new. What about this guy in Austin? Can't you go there?"

"No. I'm still on probation. So I won't leave the state until all three years are over." Otherwise he already would have gotten his stuff and pissed off.

"I wouldn't allow my brother to make me committing crimes."

"No, you wouldn't."

"Why do things have to be complicated?" She looked at him and he saw all this trust and comfort in her eyes.

"I dunno."


	7. I believe you

So I hope this chapter helps to light up the story. Unfortunately on the Ryan-front it's getting even darker (but you shouldn't expect something else from a black rock'n'roll soul ;) ), and because I can't persuade myslef to an happy end, it even can get very dark. But if someone has good arguments pro happy end, I can let them convince me;) So, have fun and enjoy!

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**T**he doorbell rang. He went down and opened the door and there she stood in person.

"Summer, hey how are you?" He said, not realizing…that she should be somewhere in Europe with her Dad.

"Summer?" Why was she already back? Hadn't she told him something about the whole summer and now?

"Hi Cohen." She said cheering and kissed him with passion. Wow, that was more he ever had expected.

"Huh…what…what are you doing here?"

"Coop called me and told me about your family chaos and thus I had to come back or did you think I'll leave you alone with it?" Hu…well, he hadn't thought she would break up her vacations with her Dad. Wasn't her Dad her number one man?

"So, your Dad just let you go like that?" He asked suspicious. Maybe there was some kind of trouble between her and him and she just was too polite to tell him.

"He had to. I told him you were my boyfriend and I love you and he can't make me feel different." Huh? Summer against her Dad? Wasn't her Dad the reason they had broke up first time?

"And how did he…cope with it?"

"He bought me the flight ticket home and told me we have to make up for the vacations next year…and together with you." This was too much. He just stood there and looked at her – his girl.  
"Don't you want to ask whether I like to come in?" She asked in her usual cheeky manner.

"Huh, of course come in." She came in and went straight up stairs. He followed her. When they entered his room, she dragged him onto the bed.

"What do you think, we louk up Captain Oats and Princes Sparkle in your drawer and then Mummy and Daddy are having some fun?" She started to kiss him. He always had known she was a girl of passion but this exceeded all his expectations. But he loved to respond to it.

Now she was there and everything didn't seem to be as dark as it was before. His life started to make sense again and he wasn't alone anymore. He loved her and he loved having her around. She was all he had now and she came back only for him. Could there be a bigger proof of love? Okay, he had lost his Mum and he – as it seemed to him – had lost a friend. But he had Summer. The girl he always had wanted as girlfriend. The girl he had named his boat after. The girl he wanted to get old with. He sank into her embrace and into her kisses and just let happen what wanted to happen.

"And your Mum really wants a divorce?" She asked him.

"Yepp."

"I never thought this was possible. I mean your parents were the inseparable twosomes which were so married and so in love that even someone like me was in disgust – and I know all The Valley episodes off by heart." He said nothing only let her talk. He didn't want to think about his family right now.

"Hey and your Mum is best friend with Jonny? Since when? She was my proof for my stepmonster and her taste for pills being abnormal. She was the one giving me hope that not every girl or woman in Newport turns out into an addicted bitch."

"Well things can change." Since Summer was there he had the feeling as if he had started to accept his situation…ouch! Summer started beating him.

"What was that for?"

"For you indifference! You can't let your Mum getting through with this…we can't let her through with this. If your Mum and your Dad break up and disappear in the depth of the Newport-Swamp who's going to protect us from the Julie Cooper Nichol invasion? We can't let this happen!"

"Julie Cooper invasion?"

"Man, this woman wants to rule whole Newport and without your Mum stopping her she's straight on her way to be Mrs. President of Newport."

"Okay, now you're scaring me. Imagine she starts to force us all to wear Prada."

"Uh… Cohen…have you seen the new fashion from them? Disgusting, but hundred percent Julie Cooper style. We have to prevent this from happening!" Summer said determining got out of the bed and put on her cloths. What a pity. Naked he even liked her more. He smooth skin, he curves her dark hair…

"Cohen, stop drivelling. We have to stop Julie Cooper from pinching world supremacy." With these words she threw his cloths into his face. He did as she told. He was afraid of her fingernails and her tiny punches she used to make him do what she wanted.

"Could you please take Mr. Oats out of the drawer, I don't want him to suffer from long-term side effects due to the lack of oxygen."

When he got into his cloths they caught the car keys and drove to his Mum.

"What if she's drunk?" He asked her. She looked at him. "I mean, how do you talk to drunken people?"

"I dunno, but it can't be much different from people on drugs and in cases like that I'm an expert. You know… the step-monster I'm living with." She only added.

"I never have seen her drunk. How was she able to hide it from me?"

"I don't know, but I would be glad if my step-monster would hide her addiction from me. I mean this zombie look really is frightening me."

"That bad?" He started to be afraid. Maybe visiting his Mum was not such a good idea as they had thought before. He wasn't able to handle it. He wasn't as tough as his father or Ryan - okay Ryan was on another level.

"You've never seen an addicted what?" He shook his head. "What means, you never have met her. You're a lucky man."

"Why?"

"Because she's a men-guzzling-nymphomaniac. And you know what happens if I catch you with another woman." She said in her dangerous voice. No, he didn't even want to imagine what happened if she only caught him talking to another girl. They reached the building in which his Mum lived.

"Do you want me to come too?" She asked him.

"Yes." She nodded kissed him and then they went to his Mum. He knocked on the door. She took his hand and squeezed it tightly. The door was opened and there she stood in a frowsy look. Immediately he regretted his decision and wanted to walk away, but Summer gently hold him there.

"Seth, Summer, what are you two doing here?"

"Uh…" What now? What was he supposed to say to his Mum who was obviously already drunk at two p.m.?

"Hello Mrs. Cohen. Seth and I would like to talk to you. You know a little chit chat about this and that." Summer stepped in.

"Oh, well of course come in. I'm sorry for the chaos, but I hadn't any time to get things in order." His Mum said when they got in. The packing cases still weren't unpacked and her cloths were spread through the whole apartment and the dish piled up in the sink. This couldn't be his Mum.

"Mum…what…" Summer shot a look at him. This was her turn.

"A nice apartment Mrs. Cohen."

"Oh, thanks Summer. Have a seat." They all sat down. He was nervous. What to say? What to do? His mind was blank.

"So how are you?" His Mum started.

"Oh…I'm fine. Fresh back from Europe." Summer started but on his mother's expression he saw her only concern was aimed at him.

"What do you think? Dad's working his butt of in his job and on your relationship-front. And you're here and telling me something about a divorce through the phone. What do you think how I feel?" He didn't want to be the nice and polite boy. Not this time. He was fed up with this role. His Mum had fucked up and she needed to feel it, if she wasn't able to reckon it.

"Oh…honey. I know I'm a bad Mum…but…I can't hold on any longer. I need some more space and…you must have realized the relationship between your Dad and me hasn't been working quite well due the last months." She started to apologize. It was nothing but a lame excuse.

"And why didn't your relationship work?" He asked her. Summer again had his hand in hers, gently rubbing the back of it to sooth him.

"Because…because we were at variance with each other and it didn't look as if we could find an agreement."

"And thus you just pissed off like that? Do you even imagine how it hurt me? Do you only once imagine how I felt when I found out my Mum's a cheap alcoholic?" Now it came out - all his frustration.

"Seth…I'm not…I'm drinking a little more lately but…"

"Shut up! You never even touched a bottle of vodka and now they're spread every where in here – EMPTY!" He now screamed.

"Seth…" His Mum was close to burst into tears.

"Mum you hurt me! You're only concerned about yourself. It's only about your problems and your conflicts."

"That's not true. But how can I know how you feel about all this if you don't talk to me?" This blew his top. He got up and stood in front of his Mum: face to face.

"I did, but you didn't listen, because you're always too drunk and too busy with yourself. You wouldn't even notice if…if…if I was dead." It slipped out of his mouth. His Mum looked stunned at him and then slummed down, breaking into sobs. Shit. This was the last thing he had wanted to cause.

"I…I'm so sorry Seth…I know. My God…he…he had been right and I didn't believe any of these words." She cried and cried and he sat down next to her. He was acting not thinking when he took her into his arms leaning her head against his chest.

"I'm sorry Mum. I…just want you home again. I want us to be a family again. You and Dad and I. We three together as it always had been."

"And we will. I screwed up this time, but…I'll make it undone…when I'm up for it."

"Okay, but don't let too much time pass by, because this…hurts me."

"I believe you." She said. Huh? This didn't make sense or?

"What?" He asked again just to be sure.

"I believe you. No matter what you tell me I believe you and I won't let anyone hurt you…not only for a second." What was she talking about? Was this the alcohol?

"Mum, what are you talking about?"

"Uhm…a nightmare. Just I nightmare I had, about…some guy called Steve and…a little boy…I dunno. Must be the effect of the alcohol."

They now sat at the pier, watching the calm ocean and breathing the fresh summer breeze.

"Where's Ryan?" She asked him. Shit. He had totally forgotten about him…no not forgotten but he had driven him away…out of his mind. He didn't want to think of him right now. It felt as if he was ruining everything, although it was not true. But it felt like that.

"Chino, I guess." He answered, indifferent to make her aware of he didn't want to talk about Ryan.

"Did you talk to him or even see him?" She didn't get his hint.

"Yes I did, talk to him and see him. But he had changed and I don't think …" What didn't he think? Spit it out! Be the arrogant and self-absorbed asshole.

"What?"

"I don't think our friendship is still existent." Now there it was.

"Cohen, don't dare saying something like that!" She yelled and again started with he tiny punches.

"What's wrong with you tow?" She asked when she was finished with covering him with bruises…nah, not really but he pretended as if she really was hurting him just not to make her more furious.

"I dunno. He had changed…in somehow he's darker and he has some problems and…I'm just no part of his life anymore and I don't think he wants me to be a part of it anymore."

"What kind of problems?"

"His father, mainly. He's just back to the life my Dad had rescued him out of."

"Then he only wants to protect you." She said snuggling into his arm.

"He doesn't want us as family or friends anymore. That's what's wrong with us:" He sighed. This was what he felt after Ryan had left the one night. He had turned away from them and he was reluctant to let them help. He…it was as if Ryan just didn't want them in his life anymore.

"Then we have to fight to get him back."


	8. A serious Conversation

And now things start to get fixed. So have fun and enjoy ;)

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**H**e sat at the kitchen counter with his coffee and bagel, reading the newspaper. Seth hadn't even tried to stay in contact with Ryan after this on specific night. Seth had told him about the trouble Ryan was in – probably was in. It had been hard to explain to his son he wasn't able to do anything without Ryan telling him about it. And Kirsten? She hadn't started with the divorce again, but she still wasn't back. She needed time to sort things out. Can he ever fix this again? He had to, for Seth. The doorbell rang. Wow, it was quite early in the morning. He opened the door and he couldn't believe who was standing in front of it.

"Hey Sandy." Kirsten said.

"Hi, what are you doing here?" She showing up early in the morning? This couldn't mean something good. She was Caleb Nichol's daughter, she always had something planed.

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay, come in." He stepped aside to let her in. She went into the living room and sat down on a sofa.

"Do you want a cup of coffee or tea?" He asked her.

"Coffee, thanks." She answered. She behaved shortspoken. What did she have up her sleeve?

"Here," he handed her a cup and then sat down across from her. "So, what did you want to talk about?" He asked directly.

"About…you…us…no, about me. Sandy, it's…you were right. I should have told my Dad to stay out of my business. But I didn't and I'm…I'm really sorry…for…" Her speech broke into sobs and tears ran over her face. He never had seen his wife like that - not able to speak a clear sentence, not able to control her feelings. It broke his heart to see her like that. But it had been her fault. If she had staid they possibly were fighting this mess together now and things possibly were much easier. But she hadn't. It had been her decision to leave. Nevertheless he was bound to comfort her. He got up, sat next to her and took her into his arms. She still was his wife, his love. She still owned his heart and seeing her suffering, hurt him.

"I…I…can't do all this on my own Sandy. I need help." She whispered between sobs. She admitted it. She had already gone a long way to reach this discernment. And if she now needed help he would give it to her. That's what he was there for.

"I'll be there." He answered and gently stroke through her hair.

"You can't help me with this. I need professional help,…for…you know… for stop drinking."

"And your Dad?" He asked carefully.

"He'll be surprised when he notices I'm on vacations for a few weeks." His wife and vacations? What was this? He looked at her.

"I'll go to rehab tomorrow. But I can't do this alone. I need you. I need your help. I need your help, to go through this, because it'll be a rough time. And I need you to be there, when I talk to Seth. I want to explain him my stupid behaviour and say sorry for what I've said on this one day on the phone and... how I have reacted yesterday. But it hadn't been me then. It had been…the alcohol. Sandy, believe me, I realized that I've acted wrong and that all of this is one big mistake. And now it's my turn to make amends for it. But I need your help and your…your trust. I know I don't deserve it, but do you think you can forgive me and start to trust me?" Wow, the flow of her speech threw him a curve. But this speech had been intense and carried by deep emotions. He never had witnessed this before. He couldn't do else than believe and trust her. His wife had broken down all walls - she had build up for protection. A woman who maintained a low profile showed him her sore point. This was the biggest proof of trust she ever had given to him and he couldn't refuse it.

"Don't worry. I'll be there."

They sat at the kitchen counter, having breakfast, when Seth came down stairs. He entered the kitchen and his face told him he was more than surprised to see his Mum there.

"Mum? What are you doing here?" He asked her.

"I was talking to your Dad and I apologized and this is exactly what I wanted to do with you." She said. She had won back her composure, after she had realized he wasn't going to let her alone with her burden.

"It is… it is about the divorce?" He looked afraid.

"No honey. No divorce. I…I don't know what I was thinking when I came up with it. I…I acted like the last man on earth. I'm so sorry. But I promised to get on tracks again and now I'm here." She went to her still stunned son and took him into her arms. It didn't take him long to respond her hug.

"I hope you'll forgive me one time." She said.

"I…dunno. What are…what are you going to do now?" He asked. She looked questioning at him. He tried to look back encouraging him.

"I'll go to rehab tomorrow, so I can solve my drinking problem. And when I've done that I probably will quit me job."

"What?" What? Wow, she was one of the fast ones. She seriously wanted to quit her job?

"Are you sure about it?" He asked her. When she had finished her rehab she would need something new to focus on. Her job could be a good help for that. Solving both problems at once was not going to help her.

"Yes. I will issue an ultimatum. Either he restricts our relationship to our business or I will leave. He already had done enough damage to our family. I don't think we all can bear any more." She was tough. Okay, she always had been tough. But he was impressed. After the show she had come up with, he never had thought she was going to change things that fast. But he won't stop her. No, he rather was going to support her. Now it was him and his wife against Caleb Nichol. Man, this was going to be the best year in his life. Oh yeah, this was going to be a party year.

"Mum…I'm…I'm impressed, really. And I only can say: If you need any help, just let me know. I and Mr. Oats will be there for every action you're planning. But…when you're in rehab…uhm…can I come by for a visit? Or is this…you know."

"Of course you can come for a visit. Honey, you're my son and if you want to see me or talk to me you can - any time. And if you call me in midnight." She again went to their son and took him into her arms. She had missed him, he saw it. But now things were going to be as they had been before. Jesus, he had thought he never was going to be able to fix this and now? He was proud of his wife. But there still was one thing and the critical lawyer he was wanted to know…

"What changed your mind?" He asked.

"Well, I had some very curious conversation. No, let me call it serious and rough and this had brought me back down to earth." A conversation?

"Do you mean... yesterday?" His son asked.

"Let me say it that way: you showing up in my apartment made me figure what this conversation was about and what it wanted to tell me. I'm still sorry for this... let me call it a break down. But without you I probably still would sit in my living room getting drunk."

"Whom else have you been talking to?" If it was Seth who had made the first step who then?

"Who do you think it was?" Only the little shy smile on her face and the memory what Ryan had said to Seth, while he had been in the kitchen, made him understand.

"Ryan?"

"What did he say that it made you change your mind?" Since when was Ryan someone who solved problems with talking? Since when did he talk anyway?

"Right, what had he told you... that it caused such a break down?" Seth intervened.

"This is something between me and him. Sorry, but I don't think he want you to know. It was quite…personal. Thus I don't want to misuse his trust." His wife surprised him even more. She got Ryan to open up to her. What ever it had been it had been, it had worked. This boy saved his words and stories for serious issues. Whether this was good or not, was another question. Man, this boy had grown up in only six months. From a low-brow teenager into an adult in six months, this was a development that freighted him. It was an indicator that the surrounding he now was living in didn't do him any good.

"Man, this kid's got nerves. As if his life isn't trouble enough, he just shows up and bang fixes what we've messed up. I don't know what you're thinking, but when we're done with ourselves, we ought to think about how we can help him." Seth got the point and he started to feel bad. As it seemed Ryan had saved their family once again and he hadn't been able to help him in any way. Seth was right. But his wife still wasn't out of her crisis. She needed to go the whole long way of a detox and she needed his help.

"What does this mean? I…his father doesn't do…or does he?"

"Ryan's father kicks his ass, if he doesn't commit crimes for him." He needed to talk to Seth about his language. But this time, it was the best way to express what went on with Ryan.

"Oh no…this…If I only had known." He saw how Kirsten was near tears again.

"What' wrong?"

"I…I said some very nasty things to him…and…. I'm so sorry. If I had known in what kind of situation he is, I probably…"

"You wouldn't have reacted different. You know alcohol changes people. And this is what we must fix first. I'm sure Ryan can hang on a little longer, until you're completely back on tracks again." Ryan was a tough guy. He kept his chin up. At least this one night he didn't look as if he was in serious trouble or better he didn't seem as if he was in trouble he couldn't come out of on his own.


	9. Kindhearted or dumb?

For a sepcial reader I added this chapter ;) I hope this is what you thought about. So thanks for reviews and good ideas. Sorry, if I can't fullfill all wishes, but I do my best. But now I need a little help: would a Ryan-Marissa chapter match into this story? Something like: she's trying to help him at the point of the story where I have to decide whether happy end or not? Some pro & contra would be very helpful. So, have fun and enjoy

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**H**e came out of the bathroom. Although he had taken a over twenty minute hot shower his body was sore. Double shift. Why in hell was he doing this to himself? No normal and sane person would do this to himself. What meant either he was abnormal or insane. In the moment he believed in the second one. He went to the kitchen. His father sat in the living room – drinking beer and whisky as usually. He just tried not to make too much noise. Or better: he tried to be invisible.

"Hey, punk!" Okay, he had tried. It hadn't worked, but…luck wasn't exactly on his side anyway, so this was nothing to grump about. He only sighed and turned his face to his father.

"Don't look at me like this. I'm still your father. I deserve your respect." The last thing this delinquent deserved was his respect. He was nothing more than a selfish, unlettered, violent and egoistic man – only knowing himself. No, this man didn't deserve respect from anyone. But hell, he didn't want to get in trouble after the day he already had.

"Sorry." He mumbled. He didn't mean it. But his father was too drunk to notice.

"Uh…shut up. There's a party tonight…this club Trey used to go." Shit. This sounded like trouble.

"I told you not to look at me like this." His father grumbled again. This time he got up and now stood in full person in front of him. The only difference between him and his mother's boyfriends was that his father actually had a sense for hygiene. He crossed his army in front of his chest. Why? To protect his chest or to show his father he wasn't afraid, although he was?

"Well I want you to go there. I already told them you'll come in my name. You understand?"

"You want me to sell drugs on a party." He sighed. This was leading to bruises. Because it was certain he wasn't going to sell these drugs. He never did. He couldn't. If his father wanted him to steal a car, he probably would do so to avoid any fights. If he asked him to sell cigarettes on the black market, he probably would do it only to avoid his fists. But drugs? He had witnessed much too often what they did to people – and he didn't only men the consumers. Also the people around them suffered under the effects drug addiction had. In somehow it was the same as with this drinking thing. One of Frank Atwood's fists in his face was nothing compared with the effects of drugs. He rather accepted several bruises than the death and sorrow of people he didn't even know.

"And this time I want you to do it! Did you get me?"

"Why don't you try it on your own?" Wrong. This was the reason why he used to keep his mouth shut. But once in a while he father just forced him to say something like this. He just couldn't help it. And as reward his face already started to look messy, although the worst part of the evening hadn't even begun – the one his father figured he hadn't sold the drugs.

"Don't even start talking to me like this!" His father snarled or slurred? There was no way to keep it apart from each other.

"So, you'll have to be there at eleven this night. And don't even dare to mess this up!" This was it. His father pulled him out of his way to the kitchen. He stumbled backwards but got his balance back before he hit the floor. Honestly: he started to hate this place. Sure, he always had liked Chino. It had been easier for him to be who he was than somewhere else – Newport. Life was easier here for him – not for Seth of course. But now he started to hate this place, what he used to call his home, also due to his time at the Cohens. And if he started to hate a place it really meant something. He didn't easily hate places. He had seen and lived through too much for that. But now this experience added to all others he has had in Chino, he just started to be aware of what this place had done to him.

He took a look onto his watch. Eleven he had said. Okay, means he could get three hours of sleep before he had to go. Little problem. His father was watching TV sitting on the couch he was sleeping on. So no sleep. He figured he had lost his appetite and just went outside for a cigarette. He had started again. What else could he do? Screaming into his father's face he ought to get a job and stop bothering him? Certainly not. Well, he could give it a try. The question was whether he would wake up again afterwards. So he sat on the porch, inhaling the smoke. After a few drags he felt a little more relaxed.

"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" Theresa came over and asked.

"Nothing." She nodded.

"The Frank-Atwood-nothing or the Ryan-nothing?" He only offered her a lopsided smile as answer. But he knew she got it. She sat next to him.

"Why do you ask?" He asked her back.

"My Mum wanted me to ask whether you would like to come over for dinner. So?"

"Dunno, do I?" Suddenly she grabbed his hand and took him with her home.

"So how long do you think it'll work with your father?" Theresa's Mum asked him, when he was helping her clearing the table.

"As long as the cops don't catch him while he doing one of his father's jobs." Theresa answered for him. He caught a concerned glance from her Mum, before she started to shake her head. Of course she knew what was going on. Theresa told her Mum nearly everything. He always had in somehow envied her for her family. Although her father was gone long time ago, she had a mother and a brother and all three stuck together as family. And in the same time it made him sad, because it reminded him of what he never had and – as it looked like- never was going to have.

"Why did you come back?" Her Mum asked him. "I thought these people you had been living with were nice? Why did you leave them?"

"'Cause my Dad showed up."

"Because they don't care about you." Theresa again answered. Her Mum looked questioning at her and now he knew what was coming towards him: lecture.

"I mean this…your friend or how you call him. What did he do when your father lashed out at you?"

"I told him to go. And despite did he look in your eyes like someone who can rival my father?" He wouldn't allow her to blame Seth – the Cohens – for this. This wouldn't be fair. They had enough problems. It was understandable that they had to solve those first.

"Oh, but he wasn't able to call the cops or something? I mean help not only includes physical intervention."

"He didn't know what to do, because he's not familiar to something like that."

"Oh, and that's why you're still here and haven't heard a word from them since he had seen you're in trouble? In my opinion they are no different from…the others. They only are rich, but don't give a shit about you if you could seriously need a helping hand." She was judging about things she didn't understand. He swallowed down his temper. He didn't want to outburst.

"Theresa, he and his family have some serious problem to solve right now." He started to explain. Did he wanted to explain it to her or was he just looking for an explanation for their behaviur for himself? Was he disappointed by them? He wasn't sure. He didn't feel anything about this and no thought answering this question entered his mind either.

"Problems? So does this mean the new fashion from Paris doesn't fit their furniture?"

"His Mum has a drinking problem. He…was here to talk about it. He was looking for help."

"Bravo! Sometimes I ask myself whether your way too kind-hearted or just dumb."

"Theresa you don't understand this."

"You're right I really don't understand why you still let other people treat you like a pawn." With these words she got up and left.

"Sorry." He apologized to Theresa's Mum.

"Hey if my little sis is upset like that it only could mean Ryan Atwood is somewhere around." Theresa's brother Arturo called out and hugged him.

"So how are you?"

"Not so good." Theresa's Mum answered. Why in hell did all people feel the desire to answer for him?

"Looks like that. Did your father do this to you?" Arturo pointed at the shiner in his face. He didn't answer. He hadn't to.

"Man, I really should think about calling the police or the social service or better both."

"Sure, and what then? Foster home? No way." He sometimes feared one of Theresa's family members really could go that far. There was nothing he was more afraid of than a foster home.

"Rather foster home than living together with someone…"

"You have so no idea."

"Sure, 'cause you don't share you experiences with anyone of us."

"That's true. So, thank you very much for the dinner Mrs. Diaz." He said.

"You're very welcome, and how often do I have to tell you call me Eva?" She said and hugged him.

"I'll bring you out." Arturo said and put an arm around his shoulder.

"Ryan, you don't have to do all this." Arturo started. He only looked at him. "You know… these jobs. You're not supposed to do this. You've always been the smartest one of us. You were – you are – supposed to be the one who'll go far from here." Since Trey had left, Arturo had taken his role as his big brother. And it had gotten worse after Trey had been locked up in jail.

"Yeah, but there is nothing I can do to change this."

"You can stop doing these jobs and go back to school, like Theresa is doing."

"I can't fulfill all expectations. And the urge to grow older than sixteen leaves me not much of a choice."

"I don't know what had happened. But I can't imagine a foster home can be worse than this." Well he has had luck. He never had been there. Since he had, he never got rest- and peaceful sleep anymore. Old wounds and open them up again. Best thing happening to him. And Arturo asking about all this was no help either.

"So, be glad about it." He only answered hoping Arturo would leave it with that.

"What are you doing with the stuff? I don't think you really sell it or?"

"There's a gully near the club. I just throw it in there."

"Good to know you're reasonable enough. At least Trey was good enough for being a good example for telling you how not to do it, hu?" Sometimes he wondered what connected Arturo and his brother. They were so different from each other. Trey sold and did drugs, Arturor never would touch them. Trey liked to involve him into his crimes, Arturo did everything to leave Theresa out of it. But what ever it was, they were best friends too.

"No offence, but I gotta go."

"Okay, if there's trouble coming up, Eddie and I are prepared for any case."


	10. Complete Stranger

Another chapter! I hope I didn't make too many mistakes with the law-English in this chapter. Have fun and enjoy

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**W**hen the phone had rung, he hadn't thought it was something serious. But then it had turned out to be another nightmare. He was on his way to the juvie. What in hell's name had gotten into the kid again? He was smart enough to know he was standing in a position which didn't allow him any mistakes. And now that. He had no clue how he was going to get the kid out of that again. It was impossible. Normally he ever had an ass up his sleeve, but not this time. This was way too huge as if he was able to convince the state attorney to drop charges. Well done kid.

As he entered the room, Ryan was already sitting there – blue jumpsuit and a face like stone. He went over to him, and sat down. He couldn't help it, but sighed.

"I had hoped I never will meet you here again." He said, but got no reaction. As usual Ryan was avoiding eye contact and as usual he wasn't in the mood for talking.

"What did you think, when you were doing this? Or better – did you think of something at all?" Ryan only shrugged his shoulders. This indifference broke the camel's back. This kid had no clue what a mess he was in.

"Shell I tell you what? This is bad. And with bad I mean really bad. Kid, they caught you with drugs. This is no petty offence. No, this is seen as a capital crime. Do you even understand what this means?" He still had caught no reaction and he only wanted to know what Ryan had to say about all this, if he had to say something anyway. In somehow it felt hard to believe Ryan had dealt with drugs. He never was drunk, he had stopped smoking from the day he had come to live with them, and he had been on so many parties but never came back stoned or high.

"Okay, you don't wanna talk to me. But you have to. Ryan, I'm still on your side and I can't imagine you're one of these cold people sending drug addicted children into death. That's not you. Tell me why they've found you with coke in your pockets."

"'Cause I haven't been carefully enough." Eh? Since when was Ryan smug? He never had behaved disrespectful and smug like all other youths he had to work with. That had been what had made him being different to them. When had Ryan turned into one of them? And why?

"Ryan, this is nothing to be joking about. This is serious. You're still on probation and they caught you with drugs. This will give you at least one year, because you offended against your conditions of probation and approximately one or two years because of the drugs."

"Then I'll have a lot of time to think about what I've done." That was enough. No matter what had gotten into this boy, he would knock it right out of his head. He slammed his hand onto the table. It had an effect, Ryan flinched.

"Stop this and start to tell me what has happened."

"They caught me with drugs." He…one moment – in a sudden he remembered the night in which Ryan had brought Seth home.

"I want to know why. Is this what your father is telling you to do?" Immediately Ryan looked at him.

"I…It's better if you go. I can handle this on my own." Well, this was going to be more complicated than it had been when they had met the first time.

"Why? Are you afraid to rat on your father? Honestly a father who makes his son committing crimes for him isn't worth to be called a father."

"Stop, this okay? I guess…I don't want you to work on my case anymore." It took a while until he got what the boy wanted to tell him.

"You want me to revoke my mandate? You can't do this to me. Kid you're on the fast road into jail."

"Jail or death. Not much of a choice." Shit. He had forgotten Frank Atwood was a violent man who wasn't going to be happy about his son telling the judge his father was the one who stood behind all this.

"Ryan, this is even more reason for me to help you."

"Mr. Cohen, I've made my decision. I think you have enough other things to take care of right now." Mr. Cohen? This boy pulled out all the stops. He couldn't help it, but do what the boy had told him. He didn't reach him. The distance between them had grown. They weren't Sandy and Ryan. They were Mr. Cohen and felon. They were strangers. The last six months had turned Ryan exactly into a person he never should have become.

"Okay, I guess we leave it with that for today. Maybe you need some extra time to think." He got up and went off. He had to visit his wife in rehab. His life had turned into busy stress. How he hated it. Everyday he wished things were becoming normal again. But they didn't.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey honey, how are things going at home?" His wife asked him when he arrived. She looked good – better than ever in his point of view.

"Uh…good I think." He answered. She had enough on her mind and didn't need to bother with his problems at home.

"Okay Sandy. I know I'm here to solve some serious problems, but you can't hide anything from me and only because I'm here, it doesn't mean I can't help you." Wow, his wife had a talent to see through people.

"Well, Seth has a hard time. You're here and you know…I don't think he's good with how things are going lately."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Everyday in the morning and before going to bed. It's not like he's not telling me anything. I just can't help him. You're here and…"

"Ryan isn't there as well." She finished his sentence. "Why don't they stay in contact?"

"Ryan had changed and Seth has no idea how to cope with it and I neither."

"What does it mean?" That the boy had become a smug indifferent kid who had turned into a complete stranger in those six months. But he couldn't tell her that. Although she didn't accept him as her son, she had some kind of feelings for him. He didn't want to foment the conflict she already was in. The conflict: Caleb or family. The conflict which had brought her here.

"The boy's in trouble again." He couldn't lie to her.

"What trouble?"

"Juvie. The police had caught him with some coke in his pockets." He said honestly. He needed to get rid of all his thoughts.

"But you don't think he…"

"No, it's not his fault and I know who's behind all this. But as long as the boy isn't talking, I can't help him and thus he'll have at least two even three years jail coming up to him."

"What? You have to prevent this."

"He wanted me to revoke my mandate."

"What? Are you serious?" He only nodded. "And who's helping him now? If you know he's innocent then you can't let things go just like that. Someone has to help him. You have to help him." He, he, he. Always he. He hated it. He hated to carry the can for the mess other produced. He was fed up to his back teeth. He had to make a cut: his family stood in first place and... the boy obviously didn't want to be a part of it. So, no matter how hard it was, he had to drop him.

"How? I have to be there for you and you're here. Two hours away from Newport. Seth has his problems to deal with everything. There is no room for one more, especially if this one doesn't want me to help. We have to accept that probably nobody can help this boy." Now it was out and he felt much better.

"How can you say that? Have you forgotten what he has done for you…for us?"

"No I haven't. But…look: my job is, getting him out of jail, but this probably means his father beating him to death, plus: I don't think he's cruel enough to send his father back into jail, only for his own advantage. And without mandate I can't reach anything. No attorney will talk to me about this case, so I even can't reach anything through the back door."

"I hate my dad." He heard her mumble.

"What?"

"I hate my Dad. All this was his doing. He had gotten Ryan's father out of jail." She nearly screamed these words.

"And he had done a good job."

"Not yet. You're still there. Help Ryan. He deserves it, no matter how he had changed. Don't think about me. This here is my fault and I have to carry the can for it. But not our kids." He took her into his arms. Again he was grateful for having a strong woman liker she was as wife.

"I love you."

"I know and that's why you go and help our kids."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, is it work, you're doing?" Seth came in and sat down in front of him.

"Yeah. Listen Seth, I need your help. From whom did you get the information that Ryan's dad forces him to commit crimes?"

"Uhm…Theresa…uh…Diaz…yeah, Theresa Diaz. Why? Is he in trouble?" Seth looked at him.

"Well, yes. They caught him with drugs, plus he doesn't want me to help him."

"What? I…You don't believe that he…dealt with it or?" What he believed didn't matter. The facts said: Ryan was a drug dealer and fact was: no judge would like that.

"No, I don't believe it. That's why I have to help him. What's a little complicated without mandate. So I have to see what I can reach through the back door."

"Well, here you have her address." Seth scribbled something down on a napkin and then left him again. Okay, now he had someone who probably could confirm his suspicions, but how to get this information to court? He had tried to talk to the attorney, but had reached nothing. Hearings about youth criminal cases weren't public. Thus only as legally appointed lawyer one got more information. Sometimes he wished he was as cruel as Caleb Nichol. Stop. This was it. He had gotten an idea and it wasn't as stupid as he thought. Okay, he was going to break the law and yes, he could lose his accreditation as lawyer due to this, but…hell it was Ryan. And once again his logical reasoning was beaten by his emotions.

He rang the doorbell. Julie Cooper-Nichol opened.

"Sandy. Nice to see you. How are you? And how is Kirsten? I hope you can sort things out soon." How he hated this superficial and in intriguer bitch of a red haired woman. In medieval she would have ended up on the stake, but nowadays she was the wife of the richest and most powerful man in Newport.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Is Caleb there?"

"He is, come in. He enjoys the sun at the pool." She let him through the monstrous house, the right place for two monsters. Caleb lay at the pool, reading the newspaper.

"Hey Caleb." He said when he had reached him. Julie Coop soon had realized that this conversation wasn't meant for her ears.

"Sanford, to what do I owe the honour?"

"A few years jail." How he hated this man, his smugly behaviour, his wife and everything he had done to him and his family.

"What are you talking about?"

"A little deal."

"A deal? What kind of deal?"

"You arrange a meeting for me with the state attorney working on Ryan's case and I will forget about a charge."

"What? What are you talking about and why do you think I can arrange a meeting with an attorney I even don't know who he or she is? And why do you still care for this boy? When he's back in jail, he probably deserves it."

"No he doesn't."

"He wouldn't be in jail then. Sorry, but I can't do anything for you."

"Are you sure? What about incitement to a fakery of criminal offence, aiding and abetting to child abuse in at least two cases, as well as to drug dealing and corruption – or do you think I believe you got Frank Atwood legally out of jail?" Caleb sighed and put the Newspaper aside.

"You don't have any evidence to proof any of this."

"He does." He heard a female voice from behind. It was Marissa.

"Marissa, what are you doing here?"

"Helping a friend. And if necessary I can make a statement. I've listen to some of your mysterious phone calls and I also know you were doing all this only to make my Mum marry you. You used Oliver as bait – an instrument. He has had enough reason to make a statement Ryan had battered him up, although he hadn't. And there were enough evidence in the past to believe this. But this didn't work and my Mum wasn't too happy about Ryan still being in Newport and told you she would leave you if you don't change this."

"Don't dare…"

"Don't dare what? Telling the truth? Caleb you can't threaten me. I still have a Dad I can live with. And do you think, after all you've witnessed with my Mum and my Dad, she will still be your wife when you're in jail? She won't, as well as she wouldn't have staid with Ryan still being around. She hates him, for some reason, and she made you fulfilling her cruel plans. You were only her instrument. And now you're caught in a trap." He never had liked Julie's characteristics. But this time they were helpful. Why hadn't he noticed earlier how much Julie Cooper was in Marissa?

"Okay, you caught me. I call you."

"What?" A hysterical scream came out of the background. It was a female one. He always had known she was nosy. "Caleb, you know what it means if you dare doing this. He's in jail and that's the place he belongs to!"

"I know Julie, but I don't want to keep him company." Caleb answered. He was amused to watch this spectacle in front of his eyes: the gruesome twosome on their straight way to horror. Man did he like this.

"But he's destroying everything! Even if he's absent he managed ruining my life."

"What is he destroying now?" Marissa asked smug.

"My marriage or did you forget what it means to me, being Caleb Nichol's wife."

"I don't know…money?"

"Marissa why do you still care for this guttersnipe? He nearly killed you or did you forget your trip to Tijuana?"

"_I_ nearly killed myself. Ryan had nothing to do with this…"

"But he obvious was the reason and I don't want to lose you through him!" Julie screamed. The way she was talking about his boy made him wanting slapping her face, but he had to maintain composure.

"No, he rescued me. The only one who's killing is _you_! _You_'re driving me insane with _your _ideals for life, the way you want me to be. Why don't you get it? I'm not like you and I don't want to be what you want me to be!" Marissa screamed.

"But…but what…do you want I can't give you?" She had tears in her eyes. It was strange. It was obvious she really loved her daughter, but she wasn't able to put it over.

"I want to be me. That's what you can't give me and that's why I want to live with Dad, because he knows who I am and he lets me being me." She was calm again.

"I don't know. I only want all the best for us, but…nobody seems to see or acknowledge it." Julie Cooper turned around. He could hear her sobs even from far away.

"Sorry Sandy for this. I call the state attorney immediately." Caleb said and followed his future wife or not?

"Thanks." He said to Marissa. He was impressed by her way standing up for someone.

"It's a pleasure to me." He went off.

"Mr. Cohen?" He turned around after the half of the way. "I…I know I haven't been the best girlfriend for Ryan…but he's no criminal. He has to come back. Here is his place." She stood there, tears in her eyes.

"Don't worry. I get him out and he'll be back as soon as possible. But may I ask you one question?"

"Sure."

"If you have known all this before, why haven't you warned us and why haven't you tried to help Ryan with Oliver?"

"I…I'm sorry. When I listen to what Caleb told the police officer about someone has been beaten up and so on, I didn't know it was about Ryan and I also didn't know it was about Oliver. Believe me. I…I never had started to hang out with Oliver again, if I had known he was a henchman of Caleb's. Please, you have to believe me this." She sounded despaired. He could imagine how hard her time was now. She not only had to live in the same house as her mother and Caleb. She also had lost her friends due the thing with Oliver – and her great love as well. He for his part was sure, Ryan wasn't going to forgive her that fast – no, he had enough other things on his mind.

"Don't worry. I'm not judging you, for anything. I'm only interested." Now he realized what it meant, when Seth told them he had seen Julie Cooper handing an envelope to Oliver Trask. She probably had paid him for troubling the party this one evening to give Caleb reasons to force his daughter abandoning Ryan. He would have liked to ask Oliver about this, but after the event on the party, he was locked up somewhere in a hospital and only his parents were allowed to see him. On the other hand, he didn't need anymore proof for this. The facts were clear: Julie Cooper hated Ryan, Caleb wanted to merry Julie Cooper and she made Caleb arranging one intrigue after another only to reach her aim. Poor boy. He was nothing but a means to the end in this game, he didn't even participate in.


	11. Forget about him

Wow, am I fast today. So I keep the ideas how Ryan survives in juvie and the little love story between him and Marissa in my mind. Maybe I find some space for it in the other story I'm planing to write ;) Nevertheless I hope you like this one.

* * *

**H**is Dad had allowed him to go with him to visit Ryan. He still remembered the first time he had been there, but he was nervous as if it was the first time. You never egt used to it. Ryan was already there, while his father signed in. There was another man talking to Ryan…it…it was Ryan's father, wildly gesticulating. Even from far he looked in somehow violent. He got a little closer to listen to what they were talking about. Not that he would consider himself as noisy, but under these special circumstances it was his duty to do so.

"You won't know what hits you if only one single word slips out of your mouth." Wow, this was evil.

"Why should I do this for you?"

"Because I'm your father."

"Genitor was the right description." After Ryan had said this his father got up, grabbed his arm violently and turned it around. He was raising his arm. All other visitors sat in silence, watching the scene in front of their eyes.

"Who's the tough guy now?" He saw Ryan's face contorted with pain.

"Hey, Mister, let off of the boy, immediately." A police officer stepped in. He felt helpless and miserable. It had been his turn to step in. At least Ryan was his friend, wasn't he? Honestly he didn't know. Maybe they were or they weren't.

"Why? Am I not allowed to teach my son any kind of behaviour?"

"Of course you are Mister, but not in this way and not here. So please let off of the boy." He felt how his Dad stood next to him, shaking his head.

"Your luck." Ryan's father hissed and pushed him off with so much force, Ryan fell onto the ground with a heavy thud. Then his father ran out and he remained lying on the floor. His Dad immediately went to Ryan, kneeled next to him. He couldn't move. What…and all this in front of so many people. How was this possible? Then he joined his Dad.

"Ryan, are you okay." His Dad asked his friend…brother…friend, whatever.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Ryan got up on his feet and then looked at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see if you were alright." Ryan seemed extremely aggressive towards him. Immediately he got the feeling he should have staid at home.

"And I'm here to get you out of this." His father added.

"Man, does anyone of you understand the word no?" Ryan asked them. This blew his top. What does this screwed up boy think?

"Damn it, stop being such an asshole. Since you've been in this foster home you've changed and no, I don't like the new Ryan. I mean, it's obvious that you have more than one problem and that you carry a lot of shit on your mind, but this doesn't give you any right to behave like that towards us. We only want to help you, so you could start to be a little nicer to us or better start to accept our help, for God's sake. So stop polluting your environment with your bad mood and turn back to normal." Who had thought he was the one talking like that? This was Ryan's part when he again had messed up with Summer.

"As if you have any idea what you're talking about." Ryan responded.

"No, I have no idea about all you went through. I don't know how it is to be abused by his own father, how it is to live together with a 24/7 drunken mother and a criminal brother, because you never told me anything about. And I'm not sure if I like this or not. But I know what's fair and what's not. And it's not fair what they are all doing to you and that you've to pay the bills for the mess they produce. But it's also not fair that you affront every person who wants to help you. Do you anyhow imagine how you hurt others due your behaviour? I'm…we're really grateful for what you've done for me, my Mum and Dad. And now it's our turn to help you, so stop being such a big asshole and accept our help." He watched Ryan, hoping he had understood him. But something in his glance showed him he hadn't.

"Seth, I'm not like you all. If you solve one problem of my ten more occur. So keep your mouth shut."

"You're so pathetic do you know that?" He got up and went off. He couldn't stand anymore of this. Maybe Ryan wasn't his friend anymore. No, not maybe. He wasn't. If Ryan wanted to get drowned in his…whatever it was, he was likely to do so. He wouldn't start to hinder him from anything. He listened how his father tried to reach Ryan, but one needn't to be a psychologist to tell him it wasn't worth it. Ryan had turned away from them.

"You can hinder me from being your lawyer, but you can't hinder me, from helping you in this." The last sentence from his Dad, before he arrived at the door and them both went out together.

"So, how many years will he get?" He asked. He wasn't able to hide the disappointment in his voice. He was disappointed because he had lost a friend…brother…friend, whatever without even knowing how he had lost him.

"I hope none. I have a meeting with the attorney. I will explain Ryan's situation to him, give him the information I have. For example your statement and Theresa's and if he shows any comprehension he will drop the charge and instead will fill one against Frank Atwood."

"Then let's hope this will work." They went in silence. "Have you an idea why he had changed?" He asked his father, out of a sudden. He needed answers.

"There had happened a lot and in my opinion he had reached his limit. I think he just struggles with handling it. But you know Ryan. He never would admit it."

"Worse of all is: I've been there and I've seen he's in serious trouble, but I haven't done anything to help him, although there had been a plenty of opportunities. And then this thing with Mum. Although he has enough problems on his own, he had solved our family conflict, just as if he was only there to do so. And what have I done to help him? Tell me when I have helped him anyway. I never did. And when it became serious like this…you know this big word…post-exposure-whatever I run to you, instead of taking measures. I only took him and his help as granted. And now he needs me and I can't do anything."

"You've done enough. You told us about his problems, as far as you knew about it and you came here today. I guess we all have known if he has to leave, we will lose him."

"How can you talk like that? I mean, he nearly... no he had been a brother for me. You can't talk as if he was a kind of thing one can lose." He said quietly.

"I know. But Ryan…you know he never was one of these sentimental guys who keep in touch with his friends." His father tried to rescue the situation.

"Yeah, but…but he had changed. He's not the same guy you had brought home this one evening. Since he came home from his foster home trip he had changed. He's even more introverted as he had been before, even less talking, and in somehow aggressive. He never before had scared me or behaved rude towards you or Mum. I dunno and then he had wanted to tell me something or better he had to, because I caught him doing something. But first he tried to tell me by making a mystery out of it, thus I had to do researches and when I got him to use words he…I don't know he had been indifferent as if he was talking about someone else. Seriously if I had been in this story I would have reacted different." He tried to get rid of it.

"You're talking about this one night he freaked out? He told you later what all this was about using words and sentences?" His was seemed to be surprised.

"Yes he had and he had acted like a robot. I…I only have bad feelings about him. I don't think he's making it any longer without serious help." His father only nodded.

The rest of the day was crap. Man, even if Ryan wasn't there he managed to make him furious. He knew Ryan was tough, but he needed help. But first of all he didn't accept any help. Second of all he didn't ask for it and third of all: how was he able to help? It was Ryan who always has had the plan. Ryan was the one who came to terms with every situation. For him it didn't matter if it was Newport or Chino. He survived. But he? As soon as he left the Newport bubble he was lost, without friends and without plan. He had to admit it: he was a bad brother…friend…brother…whatever. He was no use for Ryan. Even in Chino, when he could have used his help, Ryan had protected him. Why hadn't he come to the idea to call his Dad, when Mr. Atwood had started to kick Ryan's ass? Why hadn't he called his father, when he had listened to the conversation between Theresa and Ryan? Why hadn't he asked Theresa what was going on and then told his Dad? There had been so many things he could have done, but he hadn't. And he felt bad about it. Thus he only wanted to forget about this day. But this was only possible, when he forgot all about Ryan. He needed to erase Ryan out of his head. And how was he able to do so? He just thought about his situation at home and what had caused all this, what went wrong in the moment.


	12. Three Rules

Yippie! Hey thanks for making me aware of the little mistake in the last two chapters. I hope you accept my SORRY. Well, I don't know exactly how a criminal proceeding in the USA works. So please, please don't kill me if this is a little or a lot wrong. Have fun and enjoy

* * *

**H**e sat in the courtroom and he felt very uncomfortable. He still hadn't made his decision. Well he had told Mr. Cohen he had, but this had been wrong. On the one hand he was afraid of being sent to jail and especially of the time afterwards. On the other hand it was his father and not even this - but also the fact what his father was capable of doing to him - was in somehow enough reason to stay quiet. He held his head down. But he could see his father was there. He sat with his back towards him, but in the windows he could see his reflections. A kind of warning: no matter what you do, I'll know and I'll punish. The judge was already there as well. They now only waited for the state attorney. It didn't take long and he entered the room, with Mr. Cohen in tow? What was that supposed to mean?

"Sorry for the delay, but the traffic today is worse than ever." He said and went to his place, while Mr. Cohen took a seat on the opposite side of his father. And Theresa's Mum? What was she doing here? His heart beat fast. He was nervous. There was something happening behind his back he didn't know about.

"Alright. Then we can start with the hearing of evidence." The judge started and looked at him. He didn't look back. It was embarrassing.

"Ryan Atwood is accused for unpermitted trading with drugs as well as unpermitted possession of drugs in the night of the 13th July, when he was caught by the police officers G. Warron and T. Bresk with ten grams cocaine in the pockets of his jacket." The sate attorney finished reading the accusal.

"Thanks. Your name is Ryan Atwood?" The judge didn't ask. It was more a statement. He only nodded. "You're still sixteen and born in 1987, Fresno in California. Is it correct?" The judge again looked at him, he only nodded.

"Well, you can, but you don't have to say anything about what you're accused for. But if you decide to say something, it must be the truth otherwise you incur a penalty. Did you understand that?" The voice of the judge was steely. He only nodded. Now it was time to decide. He felt the glances of his father in his neck.

"So, do you wanna say something?" Now or never. Fact was if he avowed that he was caught with drugs it was going to have positive effects. If he said nothing and the judge came to the conclusion he had done what he was accused for, he could count on a harder punishment. And yes, there was no way the judge was going not to believe the police officers. Well, not much of a choice.

"Everything is true." Three words which decided whether he was going to have full three years or not.

"Okay. So you've been caught in the night of the 13th July by two police officers with ten gram cocaine in your pockets."

"Yes, Sir."

"Alright, then we can leave it with that, if there are no further questions." The judge said. Now it was over. He was going back to where he belonged to.

"Indeed there are." The state attorney stated. Huh? Was he deaf or what? He had confessed everything. Where was the problem? What further questions should there be? He had made a confession, was there any difficulty? Can't they just make it brief, give him what he deserved and then finish the whole thing?

"With all respect Mr. Conley, he made a confession. This question just had been a formality." The judge intervened.

"Yes Sir, I heard that, but I doubt he was telling the truth, especially in concern to the background of this action." Huh? Stop right there. He knew nobody believed him when he told he was innocent and now they even didn't believe him when he said he wasn't? Was there anything he could say what they believed?

"Mr. Conley I don't see there any evidence for doubts."

"But you will, if you allow me to proceed to take evidence." Evidence? What evidence? Why wasn't there anyone enlightening him?

"Okay," The judge sighed, "But if I become aware you just playing in time, I will immediately interrupt you."

"Thanks."

"So go head." The judge said. The state attorney turned to him.

"So you wanted to deal with it?" And the interrogation started.

"Yes, Sir." Okay, if he was completely honest it hadn't been a question of whether he wanted to or not. He had to, but he couldn't say that with his father as part of the audience.

"Have you noticed the police officers before?"

"I don't know, sorry." He never had felt worse than this day. It was like torture. What did the attorney need these questions for? He easily could have won this case? Okay, although he was one of these perverts who liked seeing other people being bedevilled.

"When they were coming towards you, did you figure then they were police officers?"

"No, Sir."

"So, you didn't try to run away?"

"No, Sir." Why did he ask all these questions? He already had read the police report. There was no need for more questions.

"Did you try any attempt to flee, when you realized they were from the police?"

"No, Sir."

"Ryan, from whom did you get the cocaine from?" Hu? Help! This was not good. He…how? He had to be honest, but he…Please, one short solution. There was none, despite staying quiet, so he did. In the window he saw Mr. Cohen's reflection. His face was unreadable.

"Ryan, from whom did you get the cocaine from?" The state attorney asked again. He said nothing.

"You have to answer the questions the state attorney asks you, unless you would incriminate yourself or some family member." Okay, then he was allowed to stay silent. But the only family member he could accuse sat behind him and probably wasn't too happy about this change. But maybe he understood it wasn't his fault that it now turned out that way. He had done everything…but this was about his father and he never understood.

"So, you don't want to answer the question?" The state attorney went on. He shook his head.

"Okay then… Theresa Diaz, is she a good friend of yours?" What was that? Where does the state attorney go to? He already had admitted everything. It only would make things worse.

"Yes, Sir." He wasn't allowed to lie, so what was he supposed to do?

"And would you say, she's always telling the truth or someone who's lying for her own or her friends' advantage?"

"Sorry, I dunno."

"Mr. Conley, I don't see there any connection between your questions and the case." The judge said.

"Sorry, Judge. I only need some further questions to show you what I mean. So, what's about Theresa?"

"I dunno. I…I don't think she's lying. When she had messed up something she always admitted it."

"So, when I met her yesterday and she told me, that someone gave you the stuff. I can be sure she was right?" Shit! What was that? If he now said no, he was pointing a bad light on Theresa and when he said yes…no, please not. And what in hell's name had Theresa to do with all this? Fear crawled up his spine. What was he going to do now? He saw the reflection of his father's face in the window and it looked everything else than happy.

"I guess. But I don't know."

"Don't worry. I would like to call Theresa Diaz as witness." Bang! What was that? What had Theresa to do with all this? She wasn't supposed to be here. But she was. Slowly she walked in and sat down on a chair next to the Judge's lectern.

"Hi, Theresa." The state attorney greeted her. He had the feeling as if the whole track ran into the entire wrong direction.

"Your name is Theresa Diaz and you are a friend of Ryan's?" The attorney went on with his interrogation. His nerves were on the edge.

"So did you know Ryan was dealing with drugs?"

"Yes, Sir." Theresa answered. She sounded awed. Wow, Theresa and awed?

"Did he tell you, he was doing it?"

"No, Sir."

"So how did you find out?"

"Well…I…he started to act weird and he often hadn't time to hang out with me in the evening, telling me something about having a job to do and then I became suspicious."

"Why did you become suspicious?"

"Because he already has…had a job at the constructions."

"And how did you find out that this job was about drugs?"

"Uhm…one night we've met, after his so called job, and he had…a pretty bad shiner. I asked him how he got it and he told me he had messed up the job. It was clear he didn't mean the one at the constructions."

"Did you know then who had inflicted it upon him?"

"No, Sir."

"When did you find out?"

"Uhm…When I went to Ryan one evening, to get a book I needed for my homework."

"And how?"

"His father was near by smashing him up."

"I never left hand on my son!" He heard his father's rough voice. This was going to be so very bad. He had no clue how he was able to get himself out of this.

"Pleas stay quiet in the courtroom." The judge admonished him.

"And this was odd enough to make you suspicious?" The state attorney went on.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well…Ryan's brother once had stated their father never beat them, when the stuck to his three rules." No, please. She really couldn't come up with this. This was not fair. This was only making things worse. Why did nobody understand his desire to stay out of trouble?

"Do you remember these rules?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me?"

"First of all: never mess up in school. Second of all: don't disturb him, when he was drunk. Third of all: always do what he says."

"This is a total lie!" His father screamed.

"Shut up back there!" The Judge responded roughly.

"So you came to the conclusion he must have broken one of these rules."

"Yes, Sir."

"And then, how did you find out it was…about this job?"

"Ryan doesn't go to school because he has to work and his father knows, so this rule couldn't have been the one being broken and when I asked him what that he been for, he told me he had fucked up the job. And when I asked further what kind of job he told me it was something his father had arranged for him."

"And how did you come to the conclusion it was about drugs?"

"His brother Trey…had once told us that…when they had been in Fresno, his father used to tell him selling drugs and…that…he only had left Ryan out of it, because he had been too…young." Thanks for reminding me. He buried his face in his hands. He only could imagine his father's expression.

"Have you ever found drugs?"

"Once it fell out of his…Ryan's jacket. I wanted him to tell me, where it came from, but he didn't tell me. But Ryan wasn't one of these…cruel people providing kids with this stuff. He's too prudential for that…thus it only could have been…his father's handing it to him."

"And did he sell it?"

"I don't know. But one evening…after I had talked him off because of this he told he had gotten rid of it."

"You believe him?"

"He's no liar and…as far as I know he got trouble with his father afterwards."

"This is nothing but a fucking lie!" His father yelled.

"Stay quiet or leave!" The Judge yelled back.

"Okay, Theresa. We're over now. Thank you for coming. If you want you can go now." She only nodded and went off. In the window's reflection he could see her going out, arm in arm with her mother.

"So, Ryan, what do you think?" The state attorney again concentrated his attention at him.

"When Theresa told us your father gave you the drugs and told you to bring it under the people, was she lying?" And now? His father's face said: I beat you to death, and this was probably the truth. He only needed five seconds alone with him. But he didn't want…Fear was ruling his mind and his whole body tensed up. Why had Theresa told them? How…slowly he started to realize what was going on.

"Of course she's lying!" He heard his father yelling in an angry and aggressive tone. This wasn't going to be easy now. How was he able to come out of this – and if possible without broken neck?

"This is not your turn." The judge admonished his father. "Go ahead Mr. McConley."

"So, is it true?" He said nothing. No matter what he did now, it was going to be wrong. He either was going to accuse his father or Theresa, thus he did nothing. His father already was angry enough. Every word only would make it worse. And Theresa wasn't lying, she was innocent. Why did things never work out as he had planed?

"Well, I guess she's telling the truth. Next I would like to call to stand: Seth Ezekiel Cohen as witness." Great. The day was getting better and better. Okay, but now he knew what Sandy was doing here. Shit. Seth came in and went to the place Theresa had sat before. When he passed him, Seth shyly greeted him and then took a seat.

"Well, your name is Seth Ezekiel Cohen and you're also a friend of Ryan?"

"Yes, Sir, but could you leave out the Ezekiel, please?"

"No problem. Is it true you've lived together with Ryan for a while?"

"Yes, after his Mum ditched him he had no place to stay, so my parents decided he could stay with us."

"He was your foster brother?"

"Yes, Sir. But not for long, because when his father appeared … I don't know what had happened then, but he wasn't my foster brother anymore." What in hell's name was his story doing here? This was nothing for everyone to be listend at.

"Okay, but for all that did you see him or stay in contact with him?"

"Nah…I haven't seen him for six months and we didn't stay in contact, but then I decided to visit him."

"And what was the reason for you? I mean six months are a long time."

"Yeah, I know I should have done something earlier, but…this wasn't as easy. But…I don't know…I…I needed his help and…"

"And Ryan is always there to help you out?" The state attorney helped Seth a long.

"Yes, in somehow he's."

"And when you met him, what was it like?"

"Uhm…strange, I guess. Different."

"What made you feel that way?"

"He acted different and…there was some suspicious things he was doing or better talking about…and I dunno." Only this one time he wished Seth would turn mute. He saw his father's reflection in the window. He was clenching his fists. Then there was Mr. Cohen, looking at his son and at him and back at his son.

"Did you notice any signs for some kind of suspicious job Ryan was doing?"

"Yeah. One day when we got back to his home, his father was there and told him he had a job for him."

"What kind?"

"I don't know. Ryan sent me out, although his father said I could give him a hand."

"What happened next?"

"He brought me to a friend's home…Theresa."

"Did he tell you why you can't go with him?"

"No, Sir."

"Did he tell Theresa what kind of job it was about?"

"No, but she knew, because when he told her he had a job to do, she asked him whether it was a Frank Atwood kind of job. She didn't sound as if she agreed with it."

"In what way?"

"She … reproved him for that, telling him his father was navigating him straight back to jail, that it this time…not was going to be a misdemeanour but a crime and that he should start to switch his brain on and stop to care for others."

"So, you staid at Theresa's and how long did it take, until Ryan was back to pick you up?"

"An hour or so."

"And what happened then?"

"He and Theresa went into an extra room for some kind of private conversation. But I could hear all they were saying." Shit. He should have thought that walls in Chino weren't as thick as they were in Newport.

"And what did they talk about?"

"It was cryptically…She asked him whether he was proud…of…of…uhm…making use of children's addiction or something."

"And what did he answer?"

"He said he didn't…he got rid of it."

"And what happened then?"

"We went back to his home. His father asked him where his money was and Ryan intimated he had none to him. That was it."

"Really? Or is there more?"

"Well…I…don't know if this belongs here."

"I can't tell you unless you tell me." No, don't tell him. He saw in the window how his father got more and more nervous with every word Seth spoke.

"His father seemed a little angry. But…Ryan had been a little smug towards him…so…uh, Ryan sent me out again…and I did so…because Ryan always knows what to do…so I waited outside and…when Ryan came back…his face looked a little battered."

"This is nothing but a lie! I never did something like that!" His father screamed.

"What you did and what not is my decision." The Judge responded.

"A little battered means?"

"Uhm…a shiner and a split lip."

"Okay and then?"

"Then Ryan drove me back home and left back for his."

"Okay, thank you. This was all. You can leave now or stay." The state attorney said. Seth got up and went to his Dad. He had stopped following the interrogation. He only had the feeling as if this was everything else than good.

"So Ryan, what do you think about that?" Nothing. In the moment his mind was blank.

"Let me conclude what we have so far. We have Theresa Diaz who told us about what your father was forcing you to do and that it this time was going to be a crime, not a misdemeanour. And we have Seth Cohen, confirming that there had been a conversation between you and Theresa with this content." Words, words, words and every single one was asking for trouble – bloody, painful trouble. He started to chew on his thumbnail. Then he saw Mr. Cohen's reflection in the window. The expression on his face had changed. It had changed from rough into gentle. He…had realized he was watching what was going on behind him through the window. His lips were forming words, but he couldn't figure out which words. Stop! Now he knew whom he had to thank for this misery. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

"Stop that shit! I never held coke in my hands and I never was telling my son to…" His father now screamed.

"I give you two options. First one: you stay quiet. Second one: you leave the courtroom. Besides if any further noise slips out of your mouth these two police officers will bring you out. Did you get that?" After the Judge had said these words he heard his father angry grunting.

"Okay, go ahead Mr. McConley."

"So, there is enough evidence which tells me that you got the drugs from your father. Well and now to the second question: did you really try to deal with it?" If he was smart he said no. But he wasn't smart. He only wanted to get older then sixteen and he didn't want to share a room alone with his father.

"Yes."

"You know what the Judge had said about the lying. So?" The questions were gnawing on his nervous. After all what the state attorney had said it was for sure he knew what had happened. So, it was his father's ass wandering into jail. And he already knew who was going to feel it. He only hoped it was going to be short.

"What means Theresa Diaz is lying about the part where you've told her you got rid of it and Seth Cohen is either?" He said nothing. Fear had spread all over his body. No matter what he said it was wrong and it was going to be his ass being kicked for it. He knew what his father was capable of, but never had felt when he was really in rage and honestly he was likely to leave it with that.

"Well, do you know why the police officers got aware of you?" He shook his head.

"Because they were watching you, how you tried to dispose some bags containig something white into the gully. But you had no reason to do so, if you haven't noticed the police officers or? Well, we analysed the gully, which unfortunately is disused and there were traces of more cocaine. It seemed as if not only once someone tried to get rid of this stuff. So you didn't sell the cocaine, although it would have made life easier for you, wouldn't it?" The state attorney was looking at him, and he was afraid. He never had been that frightened in his life. Why did he know all of this who… Why didn't Mr. Cohen understand the word no? He had explained it to him. Why was he doing this to him, when he knew what was coming towards him, when things turned out that way? What had he done wrong that Mr. Cohen wanted him suffering like that?

"C'mon Ryan Theresa and Seth both told us about your father's punishment for not following his rule doing what he says. So all I want to hear from you is an answer to the question: did your father force you to deal with the drugs?" He did nothing. "Okay, you prefer staying silent. But you don't have to say anything to this, because with this evidence it's obvious. And did your father physically abuse you, when you didn't follow his advice?" He still said nothing. There was nothing more to say. "Yes, he did, following Theresa Diaz's and Seth Cohen's statement. And he not only did then. A police officer witnessed one of Frank Atwood's violent assaults. As we see Ryan Atwood didn't sell the drugs, didn't even try to, instead he threw it away, unreachable for anyone. He was forced to posses drugs, due his father's violence, because who knows what has happened to him if he had refused to take it from him. He had done a false testimony to the disadvantage of his own, that's true. But we have to see this as an indicator that he's afraid of his father's reaction." Fuck.

"Ryan, is it true, what the state attorney told us?" He said and did nothing. Now he was caught in a trap.

"Well, I retire to deliberate." The Judge said and now it was his time to pray for a wonder.


	13. I wish I could

Hey, I always wanted to be a controversial writer ;) You're challenging me! So, because you are all important readers to me, I need to find a good solution for all of you! But first have fun and enjoy this chapter

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**H**e waited in front of the jail. The sentence was one of acquittal. Ryan has had luck. The judge had believed every single word the state attorney had said. But he had seen Ryan's look and he didn't seem too happy about it. No matter. Unfortunately the mills of justice were working slow, thus it was going to take one or two days until the warrant for Frank Atwood was issued. He saw Ryan coming out of the building, his father in tow.

"I go and get the car and don't dare running away. I'll find you and it won't make things easier for you." As he heard these words his heart broke. No matter what he had done, Ryan would have been punished anyway. Poor boy, he needed to get him out of his surrounding and get him somewhere, where he was safe. He went over to Ryan.

"You don't have to go with him, if you don't want to. I know where a place for you to stay is." Ryan didn't react. He had known he would screw up with the boy if he started to interact in this case.

"C'mon, you don't have to pull through this mess. It has nothing to do with you anymore."

"I wouldn't sit in this mess, if you would have left as I told you to. You knew what this meant for me, but you didn't care, so don't tell me you do now." Hurt. This hurt, really. What had they done to the boy when he reacted like that? What in hell's name had he done to him, to deserve this?

"Ryan, I wasn't able to let you serve a sentence for something which wasn't your fault."

"Stop being so fucking self-righteous! It had been my decision to take the coke from my father, so don't tell me what had been my fault and what not." Ryan had changed. He never would have talked to him like that before these six months. Why now? What had happened? Why didn't the boy tell him what had gone wrong? He sighed. A car stopped, it was Ryan's father.

"Get in! We have a conversation to be finished."

"Ryan, don't." He tried, but he didn't reach the boy. Again he saw this lifeless expression in his eyes he had seen when they had come to take him into this foster home. He was giving himself up to his situation – up to his father. He felt his heart crack into pieces when he saw the car driving off. He couldn't let him go like that. But what could he do? He had no clue. He had a bed feeling. It was a curious one. Something was missing and it felt worse from mile to mile he passed. It wasn't right to let the boy go. He had to accept the boy didn't want to go with him. He should have informed to social service. They boy wasn't safe. Who knew what was going on with him now? He had seen Frank Atwood and this was no man of mercy. He still imagined the bruise on the boy's face when he had picked him up from Chino and brought him home. This time it probably was getting worse. He remembered the shiner he had carried away after he had been reluctant to sell the drugs. If it hadn't been Seth, he never had come to the conclusion Ryan's dad had done this to him. Which father was capable of hurting his sons? He never was going to understand this. Of course children sometimes were the worse disease on earth, but…c'mon beating them up? Within a second he felt his heart crack again. But what could he do? Ryan had turned away from them.

With the curious feeling around his heart he went in. Seth was busy playing one of these ninja games.

"Hey, how was your day?" He asked his son.

"Good."

"Ryan's out of jail." He said, but his son stared on the TV screen. "Have you listened to me?"

"Yeah, cool."

"I have a bad feeling leaving him alone with his father. Do you think I should go and see whether everything's alright?" One part of him did want to, because it felt as if Ryan still was a part of him. Another part of him didn't want to, because Ryan had rejected him in a determining way.

"Don't care." Well, this was not the answer he had expected. Since when was Seth indifferent when it was about Ryan.

"Are you sure?" He asked further. He saw how Seth stopped playing and switched of the TV.

"Dad, I have no time. Mum called and I told her I'll visit her today so, just leave it with that okay?"

"But I thought you and Ryan were friends so…"

"This had been before he turned into this enormous asshole he is right now."

"Seth, watch your language, please."

"But it's the truth. He treats you and me like…we mean nothing to him, so why shell I care for him anyway if he doesn't care for us?" This wasn't fair. Ryan probably had no idea what his behaviour caused to the others. He was caught in a life he thought he had left behind and now he had to deal with all his former problems from new. And he wanted to save them from this. He had shut them out of his life – this life consisting of violence, crimes and alcohol. But Seth was a teenager and thus didn't understand what went on with Ryan. And Ryan didn't know either. At least he hoped Ryan didn't know why he behaved the way he did and what was going on with him. But if he had calculated all this in his mind, he was sure he couldn't do anything for the boy anymore.

"Seth listen, for Ryan things aren't as easy in the moment. I'm sure he's not doing all this to hurt us or just for fun. He just can't handle things in another way."

"Sure, as if my life was that easy in the moment. My Mum only is in rehab because of a drinking problem."

"I haven't said that you have an easy time right now, but if it hadn't been Ryan, your Mum probably wouldn't be in rehab now."

"Or Mum wouldn't even have started to get a drinking problem." What? Had he…

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Because it's true. All your fights and Mum's problems are only about him." His son sounded frustrated.

"Seth, that's not true."

"Then tell me what's true."

"Your Mum and I had all these arguments because I don't understand how she can allow her father to intervene in our family life the way he had done – spoken out of my point of view. Do you understand? This has nothing to do with Ryan. He … he only was the flash point. When Caleb said he want us to throw Ryan out, he already had arranged everything. It had been his doing when they had taken Ryan into the foster home and it had been his doing Ryan's father stood in front of our door. He had been the one who told your Mum to decide whether she wants to keep her job or Ryan. And I guess you can imagine what such an ultimatum meant to her. As well as her family her job is her life too. So, no matter how she would have decided the result would have been the same. She would have lost something important to her."

"Yes, but Caleb never had issued this ultimatum if…"

"Stop this Seth! We all agreed to have Ryan with us, as part of our family or do I have to remind you of the charade you've put on only to make us let him stay? If there is someone who's responsible for the whole mess we're faced with right now, then it's your grandfather, not Ryan. He's only the victim of Caleb's cruel games."

"Maybe, this is the way you see things."

"Seth, I don't know how to explain to you what I mean, but maybe you ask Marissa. She can tell you exactly why and how Caleb did all this to us." When he had said this, Seth passed by, wordless. He hadn't understood. Well, he didn't understand either. Why one man could have been so cruel? But what someone else did with fists, was he doing through his intrigues. How he hated this man. He went back to his car. He had to check on Ryan. If he showed him he still was there and cared he perhaps was coming back with him – if he realized someone cared at all? He had to win the boy's trust back – he had to. The boy needed to be protected. He couldn't only save and protect others – them. He got into his car and drove to Chino, hoping Ryan's father hadn't battered him. But it was no time for dreaming. He had to be realistic, what meant: he had to hope Ryan was still alive. Damn, why hadn't he forced Ryan to come with him? Why? Why was he powerless when it came to this kid?

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He had found out where Ryan lived. He reached a small and rotten house. It looked the same like the one Ryan's mother had left the one day. He got out of his car. Should he go? Ryan probably wasn't amused to see him. But what if this Mr. Atwood already had…done his job? What if Ryan was already badly injured? He stepped onto the porch and knocked on the door. Frank Atwood opened.

"What are you doing here?" He asked smug.

"Looking after Ryan."

"Ryan is my business, so piss off." As if he cared.

"Ryan, are you okay?" He called, but got no answer.

"Wait here, I go and get him."

It didn't take long and Frank Atwood came back, having Ryan's arm in a tight grip. The boy didn't look at him, but he didn't need to. He saw he was too late. Ryan tried to escape the violent grip, but his father didn't hesitate and punched his son's face. He flinched when he saw how Ryan took it motionless. He was beating his son in front of his eyes? This was a bad joke, wasn't it?

"Don't even try to be smug." Atwood said to Ryan. Then he punched him again and Ryan did nothing, just accept it. It hurt to see this. Where was Ryan the tough fighter? Who was the boy who defended himself? He watched how Ryan still tried to get rid of his father's grip, but he threw him onto the ground. Ryan landed on the floor with a heavy thud. Ryan did nothing. Not the slightest motion or noise came from him.

"Sometimes they need to be taught some behaviour." Atwood said. This was how he taught his son behaviour? He looked at Ryan who still lay on the ground, huddled into a small ball.

Somewhere it made _click. H_e flew into rage. Revenge, was his only thought. He had to protect the boy from this monster. He never would allow anyone again to leave his hands on the boy – his son. No matter what the boy thought, Ryan was his son. And he was taking revenge for every single bruise and cut this man – and all others - had inflicted on him. Nobody ever would touch this breakable body. No one. His mind went blank, when he headed towards Frank Atwood. He only could think about the blond boy, with these sad blue eyes. And he was sure the one who had done this to his son was going to pay for it.

"Mr. Atwood?" He caught the man's attention, he turned towards him.

"Yes?" When he heard this word, his mind went totally blank and he only felt how his fist connected with some bone – a nose.

"Fuck, what was this for?" Atwood screamed.

"This is for Ryan. Thought it would be a nice experience to feel, how he must have felt through all these horrific years." With these said, he planted another punch on the man's chin that he dropped to the floor. He lay there, thrown off his guard and helpless. He kneeled down with one hand grabbing the man's collar with the other one he punched him into his smug arrogant face, again and again. What he was thinking? Nothing. He only saw the boy.

"This is for every single time you've left your hand on the boy." He hissed and went on.

"You don't deserve to be a father. You don't deserve a son like Ryan!" He only could think of these six months. Six months hell the boy had gone through, while he only had been concerned about their problems. Six months of torture, violence and neglect. This man had to feel what it meant not feeling secure at any second of the day. This was for Ryan. This was Ryan's revenge. This was for his son. Nobody was allowed to beat his son. This man wasn't his father, but a cruel sucker. Nothing else.

In a sudden his rage eased off. He let off of Atwood and got up, his hands and shirt bloodied.

"You won't go through with this!" Atwood screamed, crawling on the ground.

"What do you want to do? You'll be in jail for the next years and when you're out, nobody will believe you. You've lost the game." He said, got up and went to Ryan, who still lay on the floor. These sad blue eyes were staring at him anxiously and frightened. He held out his hand to help him getting up on his feet again.

"Thanks." The boy said, in silent voice.

"Not that for." He wanted to hug him, but Ryan stepped back. How much damaged had his past and now these six months left on this boy? He didn't want to know, but repair, what was repairable. He hadn't seen it – him – coming. He only noticed someone grabbing his neck. He tried to fight it, but he wasn't strong enough.

"Who's the tough guy now?" Atwood hissed. He tried to fight him, but Atwood was tearing him down. He should have thought of this before he had... Punched. How often had he told Ryan to think first before acting? And now he was nothing better and expired what he only had wanted Ryan to protect from. He received his first punch. Now he was the one feeling how Ryan must have felt through the whole six months.

"Get off his back!" A strong determining and violent voice said. He hadn't to look up to know who it was. Please don't let the boy do something he'll regret later. He watched how Ryan lunged at his father with his whole force. On Frank Atwood's reaction he saw he hadn't count on this. Had Ryan really never tried to defend himself against his father? He saw how Ryan planted one heavy punch after another on his fathers face.

"I won't allow you too hurt anyone again!" Ryan was fully in rage. He had to stop him. He knew – they all did – that Ryan was the worse weapon himself. There was too much damage he could do to others only due his fists. He went to the boy kneeling over wincing Frank Atwood and gently pulled him off of the man, he didn't need much force.

"Is okay kid, he won't harm you anymore." He said. The boy got up an immediately ducked his head again, averting any eye contact. When he once turned back again, Frank Atwood was gone. But it wouldn't help him. They'll find him and bring him back where he belonged to: jail.

"Everything okay?" He asked the boy. There was a curious expression up on the boy's face and his body still was tensed up. In a sudden Ryan started to run.

"Ryan, wait!" He called after him. He tried to run after him, but the boy still was fit enough, he wasn't able to catch up with the boy's speed. What was that? What had gotten into the boy? He needed to find him. He went back to his car. He drove through Chino. He wasn't impressed by the poor look of the buildings, the street and the people. He had grown up in the same surrounding: no money, no family, no friends and no perspective. Who knew where he would be now, if nobody had helped him out of it? He drove along the highway and he saw the place, where he had picked up Ryan that evening. Besides, Ryan's bike still was in the garage. As he neared the place, he saw a form sitting on the wall, Ryan had sat on then. When he got closer he saw the form was blond, a boy about sixteen or seventeen. He sat there, head down and looking so lost. He had seen this expression once before and he never will forget it. He drove on the driveway of the shop next to the wall and wound the window down.

"Hey, need any help?" He asked the form which looked so familiar to him. The boy looked up, but said nothing. He got out of his car and went to him. After his run the boy seemed a little calmer.

"Does it hurt badly?" There was not only a shiner on his face, but several bruises and cuts and a laceration at his temple – but it already had stopped bleeding.

"Please, you have to go." The boy said with an anxious voice.

"What? Why?"

"Just…what have I done?"

"Ryan, it…hadn't been wrong to do this."

The kid looked exhausted and even worse than only half an hour ago. After Ryan had battered his own father he thought Ryan would open up a little to him. But he didn't. He had shut down, completely – not letting in or out anything. Man, this boy … battered his own father only to protect him. Sometimes he had the suspicion the boy didn't know what all his actions and behaviour meant to others. He sighed, realizing he wasn't going to reach the boy soon and just decided to help with the more obvious wounds.

"Wait here." He said and went to the shop to get an ice pack or something so the boy could cool his face. It didn't take long and when he was out the boy still was there. A sign he had torn down at least one of the walls surrounding his inside or just a sign he was too tired to go anywhere.

"Here." He handed him the ice. The boy took it carefully and put it on his bruised cheek.

"So do you wanna come home with me?" He asked carefully. He couldn't be sure if the boy was as clam as he looked like. The boy looked at him. A mixture of confusion and anxiety was written on his face.

"C'mon." He tried to encourage him. But it didn't work. The boy focused the ground. He put his hand onto the boy's shoulder but when he flinched he took it away again. If it was because of pain or of what his past had taught him, wasn't being said.

"As if I can show up there again, after all I've done." The boy whispered. He sounded subdued and depressed, in somehow despaired. But who wouldn't? He had brought his father back to jail and his father had thanked him for that.

"It would be easier if you had talked to me. But I'm still there and you can talk." The kid staid quiet. He was looking so battered and lost. It was awful to watch him sitting there, not knowing what to do or say.

"I…I can't…I wish I could…but…it's impossible…this…just…" Then he broke up. These words broke his heart. How was it - being unable to talk although one wanted to? He didn't know. For him talking always had seemed so simple. He never had thought it could be a problem. Why hadn't it come to his mind that Ryan wanted to talk, but wasn't able to? If he only had known he hadn't pushed him so hard. He hadn't gotten angry about his not-talking. Why hadn't anyone told…

"And what now? You don't want to come with me, but you can't sit here for ever as well, you're not ready to talk. What do you do now?" He looked at the boy. The boy looked onto the floor and shrugged his shoulders. He sighed.

"Well, then I tell you what to do: you get into this car, I drive you home and then we'll see how we go on from there. Okay?" No word, but shrugging shoulders. He gently laid his arm around the boy's shoulder. When he got up, he pulled the boy a little letting him know he wasn't going without him. For his relieve the boy got up too, his head still ducked. He looked miserable. His neck was stained with dried blood, as well as his t-shirt which looked worn out. But all in all, the boy didn't seem to be injured as bad. Perhaps he only needed a hot shower, some sleep and comfort. Slowly the boy walked towards the car and slowly got in.

Half of the way they drove in silence.

"Is…is Seth very mad at me?" Ryan asked him. When did this boy start to put himself in first place of consideration?

"Well, …he's not happy about what you've said to him in juvies and… as you have behaved towards us lately. But if you now come home with me and you apologize…maybe giving him a few words to the question why – only a few – he will understand. Or did you mean what you've said?"

"Dunno. Then, yes…no…I …after all what had happened to you all, with Kirsten, I didn't want you to be concerned about me. I'm…used life goes like that. I… I just …was afraid…to destroy your family. But as I see, already have managed to do so."

"You haven't destroyed our family. Nothing of what had happened had been in your hand."

"But if it hadn't been me, Mr. Nichole never had …be like that to Kirsten. You know…this aggressive and all determining way…She never would have been afraid of losing her job…or stuff." He spoke in such low voice it was hard to understand him. It was hard to understand anyway.

"I told you this all has nothing to do with you. Caleb only used you as leverage. And if it hadn't been you it had been someone or something else. Listen, Caleb never had been nice to his daughter. I doubt he really loves her. If Kirsten didn't toe the line, he made her to and every measure was the right one for him. You can't imagine what he tried to get Kirsten and me parted. He even hadn't been there for the wedding day. And the only reason she's still working for him is, he knows he'll never find someone better for this job. Since Kirsten had started to use her own head for making decision he tried to manipulate her. So, don't tell me this has something to do with you." It was like a law of nature – every time he started to think of this man, he felt frustration and hatred – something not really common for him.

"Maybe it helps you to understand if you know that everything what had happened - from sending you to a foster home to your father's sudden show up – had been arranged and planed by Caleb. And if you don't believe me ask Marissa."

"Uh…better not." He answered.

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Ryan sat on the couch in the living room. After he had cleaned up he didn't look as battered as he had before. The boy had some trouble with breathing, but had affirmed it was nothing but a bruised rib. He believed him. After all their conversations about believing and not believing and Kirsten's suggestions to make the first step into the direction of trust, he had no other choice. And yes, he was afraid to chase Ryan away if he again started to be suspicious about what he said. He went to him handing him a cup of tea – he had thought about coffee, but had come to the conclusion after all what had happened, coffee only would strain the kid's nervous further.

"Seth is with his Mum right now, but I think he'll be back soon." Since their little talk on their way back, Ryan hadn't said a word anymore.

"How…how is Kirsten?"

"Well, physically she's handling it very well. But psychologically… it's not that easy for her. Not that she has trouble to stay away from the alcohol. It's more what lies behind all this. She had figured she never had gone so far, if she had been able to stand up against her father and as long as she isn't able to do so, she probably won't be able to solve the whole problem." Ryan looked at him and nodded.

"But what I wanted to say is: thank you. Thank you for helping Kirsten, for helping us. I know I should have said these words a little earlier, as it isn't the first time you've saved our family. But…I don't know. After you've left and…this really had meant something to Seth and me - when Kirsten told us you have talked to her and made her realize she needs to get help." Suddenly a big pair of blue eyes was staring at him.

"Uh…no…that's…uh…understood…I mean…after all what you've…"

"Ryan, honestly nothing of what you've done lately is understood." He had to cut him off. How long needed the kid to understand he didn't owe anything to them?

"You're only sixteen years old, with enough on your mind and you still care for others – you still care for us – in a way which is not even common for people my age. So don't tell me this is understood."

"Sorry." He sighed. It was useless. Someone really had done a good job taking all self-confidence and self-respect from the boy.

"What did you tell her?"

"Uhm…I guess … nothing a mother wants to hear." Wow, this was a statement. There were a lot of things a mother didn't want to hear.

"Does it hurt badly?" The boy shook his head. So, no answer, because if it hurt he wouldn't tell him. He had wanted to take him to the ER, but Ryan had insisted not to. He had agreed. He gave up. His thoughts were disturbed by the phone ringing. He answered the call.

"Cohen?"

"_Hey, Dad uhm…it's because of Mum, I guess you should come here._"

"Yes…uh, why? What has happened?"

"_I dunno. Her therapist asked me, to call you. He sounded serious, and as far as I'm in the know it also has something to do with…you know whom._"

"Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about?"

"_Come here and you'll see._"


	14. They wouldn't understand

Will they be able to solve all their problems? Will there be a happy end? I don't know. Arguments are very welcome ;) What means: I can make the end very fast or it'll takes a little (not too long but a few more chapters than the fast end. Dude, my fingers are burning.) Unfortunately I'm suffering from a lack of ramance, so I'm not the big wirter for love stories

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**H**e sat in the lounge. Sandy had gone to talk to a man who was responsible for Kirsten. He watched Seth reading a comic. Since he had arrived with Sandy, Seth utterly ignored him and treated him with disdain. He had botched it up with his rude behaviour – he still had no explanation to what he had wanted to reach through this. But he had tried to apologize, but Seth hadn't listened to him. And into the bargain his chest hurt like hell and he felt breathing becoming more and more a fight. Okay, also this was his fault. But he hated hospitals, they made him sick.

He was nervous. He wanted to run and never come back. But where could he go to? He had asked Theresa, whether he could stay at her for a while, but again he couldn't. It was always the same. They plaid the concerned ones – but obviously only were concerned when it was about themselves – but when one really was in trouble, nobody had time or a place to stay for you. And yes, he couldn't do this to Sandy. After all what he had said, it would have been a clear result if he never had shown up again. Though he had come to Chino to look for him. It was no secret he hated his life. And he hated this place here. He hated himself.

"Ryan, can I talk to you?" It was Sandy's voice. Oh no, he had messed it up again. No, please not. Angst crawled up his spine and spread through his whole body. Seth looked up from his comic, looking insulting at him. He got up and went to Sandy.

"What's wrong?" He asked carefully.

"Let's go outside, I don't want Seth listening to this." Shit. What had he done to Seth? He had known he had hurt him, but he never had thought it would have been so bad. People have done even worse things to him and he never had reacted like this. Why did he so in his case? They sat down on a bench.

"Okay, well I try to explain this to you in an understandable way, without jargon. But you have to listen carefully."

"It's about Kirsten and…I explained you she can solve her problem if she is able to stand up against her father. But this is not that easy. I imagine you know what I'm talking about." Yes, he did. No matter what a father or a mother was doing to you, you still loved them because they were your parents. Awkward? Yes. Understandable? No.

"Well, when her therapist tried to talk to her about this, she shut down. She doesn't see this conflict in her which is driving her insane. But if she wants a…fully recovery she has to sort this out - has to sort Caleb out, who still is trying to determine her life although she's in here. After he had called this afternoon, she has…had a break down…or better according to Seth she freaked out. Completely. It's a matter of time until this might pull her into some further damage, like depression."

"Sorry, I…I don't…"

"What I want to tell you is that we have to act as fast as possible. Unfortunately Caleb is not going to help Kirsten in this. But you're here and she needs… really needs your help." Wow, for a change someone needed his help. Was it rude getting these thoughts and starting to feel bothered by it? Yes, definitely it was! Nothing, but worthless scum like he was, started to be ungrateful. Nice development. He already had thought he had reached the lowest level. But the way down was always open and didn't end anywhere. He sighed. He had to think of something else…or better start to listen how he was able help Kirsten.

"I don't want to hurt you now. But unfortunately it's a fact that there is a distance between you and Kirsten and what is standing between you and her is Caleb. And if Kirsten manages to go over this gap, she can thrust him aside - push him out of her life and decide when and whether she wants him to get in again." Uh? He looked at Sandy. He didn't understand a single word of what he was saying.

"I don't want you to understand this. But if Kirsten wants to be able to stand up against her father, she needs to make a clear decision. And in the moment you're the thorn in Caleb's side. What means: she has to accept you, completely. This will drive Caleb nuts and he will start a threat attack against his daughter. If she resists this, the whole conflict will be sorted out and the chances for a relapse will get nearly zero - explaining it the simple way."

"But…she's accepting me. So…" Huh? Who was saying this? It was clear for him if Kirsten didn't accepted him she had kicked him out, like she had done after his first Newport Party.

"No she doesn't. She had confirmed she has left a gap between you and her because she isafraid get into the new situation." Bang! This was hurting. He felt how his heart clenched.

"I don't understand anything." He only said to prevent his emotions overwhelming him.

"Speaking rakishly: if she wants to stay sober she has to say: fuck you Dad, Ryan's my son and if this is a reason for you to fire me - bite me."

"And why are you telling me this?"

"Because you have to come with me and meet her, talk to her, giver her chance to say these words." Oh…this…he felt strange. Since when was he afraid to see Kirsten? Since when did he rather run from her then to her? What was wrong? He really was anxious now.

"Do I…"

"I know this is not easy for you either. I know what she had said to you and I know you've been through too much to tell me you're okay with it. Besides your whole behaviour shows me you're not. But you could be such a big help if you said yes." Panic. His heart started to beat faster. Every fibre of his body was a mixture of panic, angst and despair. He wasn't able to handle it. He really wanted to help, but…he needed a break. His breath went faster, but it only was flat and it hurt.

"I…I can't." He whispered. He felt embarrassed. They – Kirsten – had burdened themselves with so much and he wanted to refuse them this? What a fucked up was he? He really liked…maybe loved Kirsten and he wanted to help. But he knew he wasn't able to go through this. He wouldn't survive it. He just couldn't do this. This would put him over the edge. But they won't understand.

"Ryan, only this last time. I promise after that you can start to be a teenager like Seth. Nobody ever will ask you again for help like this." Promises? Promises didn't help, because nobody was able to hold them.

"You don't have to do this alone. I can come with you and…when I think it's enough I intervene. Is it a deal?" He couldn't refuse. He had to help. Not only because he was the reason for Kirsten's problem, but also she - they meant so much to him. Sometimes it felt as if they even meant more to him than his own family. Sometimes? He had to help. He only nodded and tried to gear himself up for what was coming towards him. He had to.

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They stood in a small but bright room - she on the one side, he on the opposite one. They meant: Kirsten, her therapist – a grey haired man – Sandy and him. He had wanted Sandy to come with him. Why? Maybe he felt more comfortable knowing he was there? Or he just thought Kirsten was Sandy's wife and he had a right to know what happened with her. He had a bad conscience towards Seth. He sat outside without a clue what went on. He felt nervous, and damn, his chest hurt. Okay, all these thoughts only where there to distract him from the fact he was feeling more anxious as he wanted to admit to himself.

"So, Kirsten, it's up to you, whether you want to go through this." The therapist said.

"Okay…so. This is awkward, isn't it?" Kirsten started a conversation. It was strange, with all these people around, especially someone who was telling them what to do. He …only nodded.

"Normally I would ask: how are you, but I think this question is a little out of place, isn't it?" She went on. He still said nothing. He wasn't able to. No word wanted to slip out of his mouth.

"Did your father do this to you?" Ouch. This was hard enough. He didn't need to get reminded of his family, too late. He was back in Chino, after his hearing. This time his father hadn't even been drunk. This never had happened before. They either had fucked up at school or he had been drunk. He never had beaten without reason. But what he had done, had been reason enough, thus… He pushed himself back into presence.

"Ryan, this here only works if you participate." The therapist said.

"He's not very talkative, especially not when he's looking like that." Kirsten said. Her voice wasn't cold, but harsh. They way his mother used to talk to him, when she again had realized he wasn't what she wanted him to be. _Why can't you be a little more like your brother, hu? You're no use for nothing. _ He saw her again, with her whisky and her cigarette and this nasty laughter. His memory jumped back to his father. He hadn't said a word, when they drove back to the house. But when they had arrived, he dragged him out of the car and in. He got down with the first fist. Stop, not…not again.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry, for what has happened and…I need to explain you a few things." Her voice again had turned into the warm one she used to make you trusting her. She went towards him. He stepped back reflexive.

"Why do you keep such a big distance between you and Kirsten?" The therapist asked. What? Hell, how should he explain it? This here wasn't about him.

"I don't think this does belong here." Sandy answered.

"But if he's not working together with Kirsten, this is not going to work." The therapist answered.

"Maybe, we better break up this here. The boy has had a rough day. It was stupid to think he'll be able to do this into the bargain." Sandy answered.

"Please Ryan, give me a chance. I promise things will be better, really." Kirsten came closer and closer and he had not much space left for avoidance. This was what his mother usually said when she had been way too drunk to go to bed on her own. _I promise tomorrow will better. I stop this. I promise this was the last time._ She must have forgotten these words while she had been sleeping off her drink. _I said nothing like that. Why would I? And now give me my drink!_

"Ryan, don't let this end up like it had with your mother or your father." He was full of panic and not in the room anymore.

_You little piece of shit. Did you think you can go away with this? I'll teach you a lesson, you disrespectful little piece of shit. _He was back in Chino. His first fist hadn't been the only one. He had kicked him, into the stomach, into his side. His father was bigger than him and stronger. He never had a chance – never.

_You're a cute little boy, but someone needs to teach you some behaviour. If I want something you give it to me, did you understand? No? Then I have to show you, what happens if you don't do, what I want you to do. _Then he saw Steve again, he hadn't had a chance against him. He felt how his hands pulled him onto the bed in his bedroom. He still felt every single punch he had accepted when he had tried to flee. He still felt Steve and how he had beaten him as long as he had lost every strength to defend. He had been hardly conscious, but he had felt how he had turned him onto his stomach, using a lot of painful force to hold him down – with one hand. The other one, pulling of his trousers and then…he felt it.

_Stupid little boy. You have to care for yourself or do you want everybody pushing you around as they're pleased? _The doctors in the ER had been the worse of all. They had increased the feeling of being worthless. _Stop crying. Nobody will be there to help you. Help yourself, you're old enough. Now hold still._ They had treated him like a thing. But they had been right. He had let his guard down. That's why Steve had been able to do all this to him. It had been his fault. He had given the chance to him. It had been his entire fault. He never had forgotten the feelings of what had happened to him and after Cole it had gotten worse.

_All of you are only good for one thing: having a little bit of fun. Do you know how much fun it is to see scum like you break? I'll promise you, one day, you'll end all your misery by yourself, only because of me. That's my power and there's nothing you can do. _It was as if he lived through it again and again, not able to switch it off. In a sudden he was back in the showers of the foster home and he felt Cole. He had been more violent than Steve. It had hurt more. But maybe it only felt like that because he had been more than only half conscious.

_I told you to stay out of his way. Honey I can't help you. You need to learn how to accept rules and as long as you don't do this, he has all right to do so. _His mother never had done anything to help him. _Hey punk, piss off, this is my place to stay. _ He was back in Chino in the streets at night, curling up in a corner, because his mother had needed a time out. _Where you can stay? I don't care. Piss off or you'll regret._ One week with pain, nothing to eat and no sleep. _Sorry Ryan, I'm not home this week, you can't stay here. Ryan, you know we've not enough space. _Even Theresa hadn't wanted him at home. Nobody had wanted him and still nobody wanted him. _I can't do this anymore Ryan. I want you out of my house_. Even his mother never had wanted him. He was nothing but worthless scum and they had let him feel it everyday. It was hard not to believe them. He had fought against it as long as he had been able to. He had lost it. He knew he was nothing. And he knew the Cohens knew as well. Seth had figured out that was why he had started to act like that.

"You threw a fucking glass after me!" He only yelled. He had to.

"Ryan, what's wrong?" He heard a voice again. Someone touched his shoulder, he flinched. He didn't want anyone touching him. If he allowed anyone coming to close he either destroyed them or was destroyed by them. He had to remain alone, only then he was safe.

"Ryan, talk to me. You look like a ghost. What's going on?" The voice again said. He saw a face. It came closer. He was full of panic. He stood with his back to the wall. What now?

"What's wrong with him?" An unknown voice asked.

"I don't know, but this isn't the first time." Another voice answered. He was slowly walking along the wall. There! He had reached the door. He opened it and ran out, through the hallways, out. He had to run. He needed to flee. He paid no attention to the pain in his chest, his ribs and his head. He only ran away - away from all this pain. He stopped. Where was he? In some kind of park. Oh, yes he had gone with Sandy to visit Kirsten. Dude, he needed to control these flashbacks, they started to drive him insane. Now the pain his chest started to increase. Breathing got harder and harder.

"Ryan!" He heard someone calling his name. He turned around it was Seth. Had he witnessed what had been going on? Embarrassing.

"Man, what was that?"

"Uh…nothing." Shit. His chest hurt and it didn't stop it only got worse from every second. He had trouble to breath, but he needed to.

"Everything's alright with you?" No, Seth nothing is alright with me, but he couldn't say these words. He wanted to tell him what had happened in this room, but he couldn't. In a sudden the pain got unbearable and he felt as if he was choking.

"Ryan? Dude, you look like you''re needing some help. So what's…" His surrounding blurred then got black. Here he was - in his black hole, without feelings, noises, tastes and smells. Relieve overcame him. He was gone, leaving the world he lived in behind.


	15. 2nd Chance

And now a chapter for those who like drama ;) Have fun and enjoy

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**H**e had watched how his brother…friend…brother, whatever collapsed in front of his eyes. Again he had done nothing but watching how it happened. Then he had watched paramedics checking on Ryan who lay there in the park, before they brought him to hospital. It was the same, he had Ryan brought to this one night. His father had driven with him there as well, to get to know what was wrong. But nobody told them anything. No, Ryan wasn't his brother anymore. He only was a stranger who once had entered his life, shaken his world and rocked Newport. But now he was no one. They had gone home afterwards. How his Mum was? Nobody could tell. His Dad had told him Ryan had said something to upset her that bad, she even didn't want to see him right now. Fact was the measure of helping his Mum - the therapist had come up with - hadn't worked. Instead of helping her it had made everything worse. She didn't even want to see him. What meant: his Mum still was in rehab. Ryan was in hospital and his father had no clue.

He hardly left his room the following days. He had a bad conscience because he wasn't able to help his Mum. And what if he had behaved different towards Ryan? He maybe had told him he didn't feel well and then maybe he would be here with him. Once he had tried to visit his Mum, but his Dad had said no. She was in a labile state. This day Ryan had collapsed and ruined all progress she had made. After his father had told him this he had started to be angry. Again it had been Ryan who had destroyed everything. But then he thought back to how he had stood there, looking at him and then just breaking down. He had come to the conclusion it had been too much for him. He was no comic-hero. He was a human being - a hero, but only one of flesh and blood. He wasn't invincible and invulnerable. His limit of what he was able to bear was just on another level than his was. His father had stopped working and spent most time of the day at the rehab centre - of course. At least he was allowed to call her or he chatted with her via msn. Who had thought his Mum was going to enter the cyber world of communication? So, he was there for his Mum as well and his father had told him it was helping her a lot – knowing her son still loved and needed her. He hoped she was going to be okay soon. He wasn't sure how long he was able to go through this any longer. But it was good to know she wasn't alone and he wasn't as well. No matter what, his father was there. He had comforted him after Ryan had collapsed and no matter when he needed to talk, he was there to listen to him. He wasn't able to imagine when he had been that close to his father before. Last night they had sat together and talked through the whole night and his Dad had offered him his first official beer. About what? About everything: what he felt about his Mum, about school and that things had improved a lot, about his relationship to Summer and about Ryan. Poor Ryan, while they had each other, he probably was all alone in a hospital. This felt strange, unfair in somehow. Ryan didn't deserve this. He had made a decision. He took his skateboard. He knew he wasn't allowed to see his Mum in the moment, but he was allowed to see his Dad.

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He knocked on the door and his Dad opened.

"Seth, what are you doing here?" His parents were sitting on the balcony, drinking coffee. It looked quite idyllic.

"I…I don't want to disturb you two, but I…I have a question."

"And this couldn't have waited until I've been home?"

"No. Uhm…I only wanted to ask, whether it is possible to visit Ryan. You know, he's probably pretty alone and I don't think hospitals are fun when you're alone - if they are fun anyway."

"Uh…yes. We can give it a try. Why not?" His father answered. He sounded … pissed? Did he miss something – anything important?

"Did I get it right? None of you had been with Ryan?" His father threw an angry look at him. Hey, what had he done wrong? He only had asked something.

"No." His father answered her. He looked at his mother and she was stunned.

"Well, who's with him then?"

"Supposable nobody." Wow, his father could say these words as if they meant nothing. That was tough.

"What? Why?" His Mum started to flip.

"Why? Kirsten how should I've done all this? You're here, needing my help. Seth is at home having trouble to deal with all this. I already stopped working. But I can't do any more. I'm only a human being as you. I can't be there for everyone. Sorry for that." Hell, what was that? Since when did his father freak out? This was not characteristically for him.

"Then you can go to him now. He's only a kid, we can't leave him alone."

"Why not, he's used to it." Stop! He has had these thoughts and talked like this about Ryan, but he only was a stupid teenager. When his father talked this way it sounded rude and unfair.

"Sandy, it's obvious the boy is overstrained with the whole situation as well, otherwise he never had reacted like that - when he had been there."

"He's coming to terms. How often have I offered him help and how often had he refused to take it?" This wasn't his father talking. Where had he left his idealism? Where was Sanford Cohen the rescuer of the poor and helpless?

"Sandy, did you forget what he had done for you – for us? We can't leave him alone now."

"I think Mum's right. If we now leave him alone, we're not better than his parents. It only will have a worse effect or do you think he feels about us as he feels about them?" He now intervened. He had to bring out the idealist in his father. He had to fight for Ryan. His father had tried to persuade him Ryan didn't mean to be nasty. And now his father didn't believe in what he had said only a few days before? His father stood for what he said. He never changed his opinion, but fought for it – convinced all others, as he had convinced his Mum of Ryan.

"Seth, we aren't his parents and we never have been. I doubt he ever will feel about us in a way he feels about them." His father answered harsh. He had this cold indifferent look on his face. This was so not his Dad. His Mum was sometimes bitchy – she was a female and his Mum, she had to be. His Dad was the calm one. This changed role didn't match him.

"No because he never would have gotten into the fireline between his biological Dad and a gun. He never would have broken his rule of not talking to help his own Mum and he never would have risked bruises for his brother. Don't tell me we mean less to him than his real family, 'cause we mean much more to him." This was strange. Hours before he had hated his friend…brother…friend, whatever for ruining his life and now? Well, he had figured out Ryan was doing what was in his power to hold his – Seth Cohen's – family together. Even if he was in Chino and they were in Newport, he was there for them. No distance could stop him from helping them.

"Who ever had thought I'll be the one siding with Ryan? But he needs us. Sandy after all what has happened, do you really think I want him back in a foster home? He can't go back there. It'll break him. He's only a kid, not older than Seth. Imagine Seth in this situation. You never were able to leave him alone in such a situation."

"Ryan isn't like Seth. They couldn't be more different. Besides, Seth is my real son. Ryan…Ryan was only a kind of project which…which failed."

"Dad!" He cried out. And then the most impossible…incredible thing on earth happened. Just bang! His Mum slapped his father's face.

"Don't dare talking like this about Ryan again. I know I've been the one having trouble accepting him as my son. The way you're talking about him is hurting me. If he doesn't mean anything to you, fine. But for me he's meaning a lot and although I can't show it, he's like a son for me. So if you don't go and help him, it's my part to do so." She threw these words threatening into his Dad's face.

"Okay, okay. Convinced. But I can't promise we'll reach anything." His father threw in to towel. He wasn't happy about this, his expression said it all.

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He hated hospitals. They made him sick. He and his father now were looking for someone, telling them where to find Ryan. They went to a counter, where a nurse sat, busy working.

"Hello, Sandy Cohen my name. I'm looking for Ryan Atwood."

"Ryan Atwood? One moment please." She taped something into the computer. "Room 400c, it's at the end of the hallway."

He started to feel nervous. How will Ryan react? He hoped he wasn't going to go postal or something.

"Hey Seth, c'mon. We're here because you wanted to come, so hurry up." His ad snapped at him. He hadn't said a word on the ride here. He hadn't said anything when they arrived. He was frightening him.

"Yeah I know…but…Do you think it's hypocritical?" He needed to get rid of this, before he went to see Ryan. His father turned back and looked at him.

"What do you mean?" He sighed. He wasn't amused about this, but had noticed he wasn't going to drop this.

"I've never been a big help for him. When he told me he had been…you know what…this …the foster home. I searched through the internet and told you, but I did nothing else. And when he at least told me I just listened and said nothing. I didn't help him then and when I was in Chino I didn't do anything either. It feels strange. I'm only there for him, when nobody can do anything anymore. And on the top of all this I act like the last man on earth as if it was me having reasons to be pissed."

"Seth, that's not true. We – your Mum and me – should have reacted when Ryan gave you hints for what the medication – he was taking – was for. We should have been the ones he was telling first, not you. You're too young to understand or react in such a situation. No one is blaming you and you should neither. I guess we only didn't want to believe this had happened to Ryan, because … it doesn't match. We're to be blamed for not helping, because we didn't even react when Dr. Harrison gave us a broad hint. We were deaf and blind and thought things will go back to normal, if Ryan was back again. We didn't figure this was…is impossible." His father said.

"I dunno, I just…feel bad about him. I have all and he's getting his ass kicked." That was it. After his behaviour he had been the one who should have gotten his ass kicked, not Ryan. Ryan always had been there to help him. He didn't deserve to be beaten up by all these people. Ryan deserved to have a family and someone who cared for him.

When they reached the door his heart started to beat hard and fast. He felt miserable. He was a nut as brother…friend…brother. They knocked on the door, but didn't receive an answer. Anxiously he looked at his father who opened the door carefully.

Ryan looked like crap. He laid there, eyes closed. He looked different, in somehow. Silently they walked in. He took a seat on the chair besides the bed, his father remained standing.

"Ryan?" He asked quietly.

"Hmm." He groaned. Oh, he probably wasn't a sleep. "What are you doing here?" His voice sounded weak and in somehow dazed.

"Just wanted to see how you are. So, how are you?" Now he was here and had no idea what to say. Since when was he speechless?

"I had better days." Ryan slowly sat up. The expression on his face told him he was in pain. Ryan didn't look like Ryan. No matter how battered Ryan was, he still looked…tough, as if nobody was able to hurt him. Now, he only looked…miserable, vulnerable and…pitiful. No, this was so not Ryan. Ryan never looked weak, not the Ryan he knew.

"Uh…I guess, I have…I'm sorry for what I've said or not said and …for the way I've behaved towards you." Ryan started. Ryan was talking, without anyone asking him first? No, this was so not Ryan. His voice sounded weak and he noticed it was hard to speak for him.

"I…I can't even explain why I've behaved like that. I…dunno, maybe just was pissed or…dunno. I only want you to know I'm really sorry."

"Well…I think it had been tough for all of us…and…I mean I haven't been better…" He wanted to say he was sorry for not helping him, for burdening him with his problems either, for not being there for him and the way he had behaved in the rehab centres, but he wasn't able to say these words.

"So…I…dunno, maybe we just…do you think we still can be friends?" He asked.

"You were my first and best friend, would hurt to lose this. So if you give me a second chance?" Wait? Since when did Ryan start to be sentimental? And what? He had thought in Chino all were friends with each other. Hell, this kid was … broken? Ryan? No, or? But Ryan couldn't be broken, he was Ryan. He hated it when things turned out to not to be as they were supposed to be. Did this even make sense?

"Okay, now where this is clear it's time to tell you a story about Summer, her Dad and the way she told him, she wasn't going to part from me."

"She did?"

"Yes she did."


	16. The Effect

Huhu it's me again :) Hope you still like it. Have fun and enjoy.

* * *

**T**hey got disturbed by a doctor who was checking on Ryan and injecting something into the IV which was accessed in a vein on the back of his hand.

"So, you better leave now. Ryan needs to rest." The doctor said. It was Dr. Harrison. Her face turned into stone when she had seen him.

"Okay. Then hang on buddy. Maybe I can come in within the next days." Seth said. Ryan only answered with a shy lopsided smile and then slowly turned to his side, curling together.

"Mr. Cohen may I have a second." The doctor said seriously. He wasn't up to a conversation with this woman. Or better: he wasn't up to a conversation touching this issue – the Ryan issue. He was aware of what he had said in the rehab centre and he knew it had been out of place. Hell, he needed to say this. He only was a human being as well and his main concern was his family. Also he knew he never was able to force Ryan to something he resisted to do or to be. He had to save his energy for his wife and his son who really needed him and accepted his help. If he had started to deal with Ryan, he soon would have been worn out, without enough power left for his own – his real family.

"Sure. Seth, wait in the car, okay?" His son nodded and went off.

"I'm really disappointed about you. I really thought you mean it and want to help the boy. But now this. Do you have any idea what this is causing in the boy?" Any more damage? There was no more damage to be done. All others had done it all before.

"No, I haven't but when his father occurred in front of our door, there was not much I could do. You have no chance against the biological father." He wanted to get rid of this woman. He didn't liker. He didn't like the position she was dragging him into. He knew about his mistakes. He didn't need a reminder for them.  
"But against one who obviously is abusing his son physically." Thanks. The doctor managed to raise a bad conscience in him. He sighed inwardly. No matter how hard he fought against this insight, she will always be right. He should have done more for the boy. He should have fought harder to prevent this. This was all true and he knew it.

"I'm sorry…I…I've done everything in my power, but this…nothing had worked. Unfortunately there had been bigger powers at work. I could have done what I had wanted to, I never would have gotten him back and…when he was gone he had …he had turned away from us. We couldn't reach him in anyway. Don't you think we've fought for him?" He had done…no he hadn't done anything. What had happened if he had been the one keeping in touch with the boy? He was sure things never had turned out that bad. He would have had a chance to intervene earlier and the boy wouldn't have gotten a chance to turn away from them. In a sudden he realized what had caused this change in the boy and he knew they weren't better than all the others.

"Explain this to the boy, not to me. He's the one, nearly beaten to death by his biological father without anyone noticing."

"He told me he was alright…" Why did he still argue with her? Why didn't he admit it? Because it was too hard to do so. It showed he had failed.

"Of course he did, because he didn't want to bother you. Mr. Cohen this has to stop. You can't only wait until he's in a hospital again and then play the concerned. This doesn't work."

"I…Sorry, but sometimes life gets a little out of control. I had for once to care for my family, and I guess everybody had done the same if his wife got a drinking problem and the son started to think his parents are getting divorced." This doctor had no clue how his life looked like the last months and now was blaming him. This was too much for his taste. His bad conscience was speaking.

"Family? And what is Ryan for you?"

"Ryan…he…I'm…" Who was Ryan? He wanted him to be his son, but Ryan didn't want to. If he said Ryan wasn't, he probably told how the boy felt about all this. But concerning his feelings he was lying. He only had driven him far away – forgotten about him. Well, if he had been able to forget about him, then this meant Ryan wasn't like a son for him or? He couldn't imagine being able to forget about Seth. This was impossible. He had to admit his relationship to the boy was screwed – it was broken and he wasn't sure if he was able to fix these cracks again.

"You don't know."

"But he hadn't given me any chance to help him!" He wasn't almighty and the boy really was a tough cookie. The walls surrounding him were too huge - even for him - to get through them.

"Did you try at all?"

"At least I got him out of jail, although he had prohibited it and when I asked him to come back with us, he refused. I can't enchain him."

"No you can't. But you should decide what the boy means to you and if you want to fight for him."

"I haven't seen or heard him for months and then one day he appears in front of my door and turns my whole life upside down. How in hell am I able to know what he means to me?" This was a lame excuse. This was another proof that showed he wasn't better than the others. He knew and he knew the doctor did too and he was sure she was going to use this against him.

"You abandoned him - like all others who were supposed to care about him – and now demand him to open up to you pretending as if nothing had happened? You can't be serious with that." No, he couldn't.

"If you really feel anything for Ryan, you have to start to help him and put your hurt feelings aside. He's nothing more than a kid. He had no clue he was hurting you. He probably didn't even know you still had an interest when he was gone or what to do. He's just a kid and you have to realize this." Then the doctor was gone and he was left alone with a broken heart and a bad feeling. He wanted to leave, but something held him there. The doctor was right. He had to talk to Ryan. He had to become clear about the relationship they had to each other. And Ryan? He needed to know he – they – had wanted him back, but hadn't been able to. He had to show him they really cared. He had to get to know why Ryan had refused them. He had to fight for him. Again. Otherwise he was sure the boy went over the edge and this was the last thing he deserved after all what he had done. No idea how this woman had done it, but she had won and turned his whole emotional world upside down. But he had needed these harsh words from a stranger to figure he had been wrong. He went back into the boy's room. He was lying there, but he could see, he wasn't asleep.

"Hey kid." He said sitting down on the chair, Seth had sat on before. Ryan again responded with a shy smile. As usual when he thought he was getting too much attention.

"I…I know we've – I've let you down. We shouldn't have allowed anyone to take you from us, but you…can imagine there's no cure for Caleb Nichol, despite arsenic. I can't explain you how miserable we're – I am – feeling about all this and I know I can't make it undone. But I can help you to come to terms with it – we can. We can start from new, trying to be a family. You shouldn't be alone with all this. Kid, if I only could express how miserable I feel." He tried to make a reaction out, but the boy just lay there. His face - these blues eyes looked so empty.

"What about Kirsten?" The weak voice asked. Not again. Again the train went into the whole wrong direction. Why didn't he care for himself – only a little?

"She'll be fine. She was the one forcing me to come here and tell you this. C'mon kid, this is not about Kirsten, not about Seth or me, but about you. We have to get you out of the vicious circle you're in. We need to care for you, you need it and you deserve it - having somebody who's always around and there for you. So what do you think? Can we try a new start?"

"Dunno. I think it's better if you care for Kirsten and Seth first place. Get things fixed with them. I'm not worth it anyway and what's a year foster home?" These silent spoken words, made his heart break. They – he had lost.

"But…" Ryan shook his head, telling him didn't want to hear anymore. Then the boy closed his eyes. He had lost. He had lost the fight for Ryan and it hurt. He got up. When he stood in the doorframe his look went back to Ryan, then to the little nightstand. A card was laying there – a birthday card. Ryan's birthday and he had been alone in a hospital. This made him feel worse than ever. If this was even possible. He looked again on the card. It showed a little boy, about eight or nine, together with his family - brothers and sister, a father and a mother – Dr. Harrison. And Ryan? There was no one. There was a family, but what kind of family was it? He had a brother who was in jail, a father who was going to go there either and who had abused him, and a drunken mother who had abandoned him. And they? They were no criminals, but hadn't cared any more.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next evening he went back to the hospital with Kirsten in tow. Her therapist had agreed she was taking care of Ryan with them. It might help her as well as Ryan. If Ryan realized Kirsten was there too - although she had some inner conflict - it might help him. He needed to know who his real parents were and that real parents always cared. He needed his wife as support because he knew this time it was going to be a tough fight – a fight for Ryan, a fight they won't give up easily. They were on their way to his room, but Dr. Harrison stopped them.

"Although I appreciate you coming here and trying to help, you can't go in there right now."

"What? Why? I wanna see my boy." Kirsten said determining.

"Maybe, but you can't go in there. At least not right now." He understood nothing.

"Why not?" Well this was a question not being answered, because they were nobody. No parents, no relatives, only some persons who had an obsession in this boy.

"He's in a lot of pain and I can't help him." Hu?

"What? Why not? Can't you give him some medication?" His wife asked. He already had inkling what was going on and rage rose inside of him.

"It's a little difficult. He's government property. And everybody knows the government doesn't invest money in things they can't use." Well expressed.

"What does it mean?"

"The social service gave me a list, as usual, and we only can stick to it. Only what's on this list will be paid. What means: only live-supporting measures, nothing else."

"But does nobody think of his well being?" His wife asked. Of course she didn't understand. But he knew all about this. His mother had been cursing about this police long enough.

"No. And as long as they don't give permission for other treatments I officially can't help. I had suggested a surgery, so it would make breathing easier for him, but I didn't get permission. Even not after I told them that this injury will affect his whole life and he never will be able to breath properly without it. He will survive without it, so nobody will pay. "

"What kind of surgery was it?" He asked now. He hadn't been there for the boy, but he could be there now and try to help him and no matter what it cost he would arrange everything to make him feel better.

"Well, I…okay I already told you too much though, the boy has eight broken ribs on the same side. Looks like someone had treated him with some heavy kicks. Normally broken ribs grow together without problem, but the fractured ribs are displaced. Uhm… one part is slipped under the other one…they are overlapping each other. Thus his whole left ribcage is compressed and his lung contusion can't heal well through it and due his inability to breath properly he's running the risk suffering from a chronic pneumonia. "

"And if we take all costs…"

"I couldn't do anything, because you aren't in charge to decide whether he can have surgery or not."

"But you can give something against his pain?" He now asked. He had trouble not to freak out. Why turned every attempt to help Ryan into a bloody and cruel fight?

"I guess my nurse already administered something to him. And if you wait five minutes you can go and see him. But please stay silent about this." She said and then went off. His wife stood close to him and he put his arm around her. After they have waited they got into his room. They boy lay on the side, not sleeping. He looked even more tired and weak as he had the day before. He went to his side. Kirsten remained at the door. The therapist had suggested a slow start and Kirsten had agreed. So Ryan didn't see her now, but she was there for him.

"Hey kid, you're okay?" He said and sat down on the chair.

"Not really." There it was. His whole strength had left and this was the most awful thing to witness.

"So I'm here for you. Your father and all others are far away and can't do you any harm. Well, this is an opportunity to get rid of the last six months…seventeen years." He didn't know why he said these words, but they had an effect. An effect, he never had thought he would witness. An effect he'll sometimes regret.


	17. Leave me

Sorry for this sad content, but it's quite a sad night: I'm listening to 'The offspring' and 'Billy Talent', drunk a few glasses of red wine and realized life isn't always as supposed to be ;) Nevertheless have fun and enjoy

* * *

**R**yan looked at him.

"He wasn't bad, I mean Dad. He was not always good, but he was not a bad guy. He had cared Trey and I going to school, doing our homework and bringing home good grades. Only if we messed up in school, didn't do what he told us to do or when he was drunk he started to beat us, with his belt. The buckle hurt most. But he wasn't as often drunk as Mum and we just started to bring home As as much as possible and did what he told us. And then it worked out quite well. But then, I was about eight or so, the News on TV showed how the police caught some criminals – armed robbery. I didn't know what it meant – armed robbery. Trey had been quite pissed this morning and didn't go to school, but I did. I didn't want annoy Dad. When I came home again, Mum and Trey stood there - bags packed. My Mum couldn't do it any more so we left. And I got to know what armed robbery meant.

Then we landed in Chino. Mum's drinking got worse and she brought home all these guys. Soon she told us we need to support her with the income and thus I got my first job with nine. Took quite a while until I realized I was working for my Mum's alcoholism. But I didn't care. Leaving for school without breakfast was one thing, but coming through the whole day without anything in the stomach was impossible.

Then her guys started to be bothered by us being around. She never helped Trey or me, when her boyfriends started to kick our asses. She used to tell me it was my fault. If I didn't stick to the rules I didn't deserve better and if I dared to disturb them, neither. But no matter what I did or not did, they always found reasons for raising their fists. At school nobody paid too much attention to a black eye or other bruises. All knew foster homes were even worse - besides I didn't go much to school anyway. I had to work or I just wasn't able to because my body was one single bruise. At first Trey had cared a little, but when he got the chance, he left and I was pretty much alone.

When I was twelve Mum brought home Steve. He didn't seem to be a bad guy. He brought her flowers and something to drink. I guess these were no gifts but a kind of fee for not listening to what went on in my bedroom - next to the living room. First he only used to touch me. I knew this wasn't correct, but if I refused to let him, he slapped my face. Then one day he wanted…more. But I didn't let him. So he beat me, until I wasn't able to move anymore, dragged me into my room, threw me onto the bed and started to pull off my trousers. I had screamed, but Mum only had turned the volume of the TV higher. It really had hurt and he didn't do it only once. He took the time he needed. After he was finished…I felt like crap. I couldn't move because everything hurt and I started to feel like…nothing, worthless, scum. Worse of all no matter how often you take a shower, you'll never be able to scrub off all this dirt. Even not after five years.

The same evening - when Steve was gone - I told my Mum, but she only laughed at me, said I should stop lying. A teacher at my school had wondered where all these bruises come from - I must have lucked really bad, if someone started to bother. She brought me to the ER. That day I started to hate doctors. They only hurt you more and tell you everything what had happened is your fault. I started to believe them.

After that life went on. Nobody ever had done something like that again. But all these guys still kicked my ass. One day Paul - the one before A.J. – went postal - without warning. He started to lash out at Mum. This was not right and no matter how much I hated her then, I just couldn't allow Paul, beating my Mum. Thus it was my nose which got broken, not hers. In somehow it had been a fucked up day, because when Paul was gone - telling her he'll never come back again - she threw me out, telling me she needed a one week time out. And then I met Chino. When you hang around - having fun - you have a lot of friends, but if you have no place to sleep over night, the street's your only friend then.

At least after this one week was over, Mum allowed me to come back, trying to explain me that it was going to be different with A.J. now, but it didn't.

Because of him police was a common visitor at home and one night there was a drug razzia in our house. I was asleep when they came and dragged me out of my bed. Of course I told them I didn't know what went on and they believed me. Dunno why. Few days later I OD on coke. I only wanted to drink my coffee out of a mug. I didn't check if there was something in first. The next thing I know, I woke up in a bathtub filled with cold water and ice. It had been Trey who had brought me to Arturo's. After that he had promised me we would find a way to leave all this behind us. And then he saw this car, knowing it would bring him some money. He broke the window and got into it. I didn't want to, but when the police had seen us, I couldn't say no. He was the only one I could stay with over night, when Mum needed her time out. He was the only family member I had who seemed to care. But it had been wrong. Trey ended up in jail, Mum kicked me out forever and I landed at yours. Chino isn't nice to you when you have no place to stay. Then Mum ditched me, because she wanted to start from new. There was no space for me in her life anymore.

At least I got to know what home and family means for a few months. But it was clear this wasn't going to work for ever and then I ended up in this foster home. It wouldn't have been as bad, if Cole only had kicked my ass once in a while. But he was a pervert like Steve, only more brutal. This time I was smart enough not to fight them. It only hurts more when you fight this, thus it was over in no time. Three guys beating the shit out of you and then taking the last piece - remaining of you - from you. After that you know no matter what someone wants to do to you, this one can because you're nothing but dirty worthless scum - not deserving any better. It all had been your fault, because it's in your hand, whether you want to stay in this world any longer or not. But you're too much of a wimp to vanish in the peaceful black hole of loneliness and emptiness. Thus you know you don't deserve better, but a father who kicks your ass when you don't sell his drugs and is living on your expenses, because it's on you to bring home the money you need to pay the bills – as usual." He had listen carefully to the monologue, not knowing how much strength it was costing the boy to talk for so long and telling him all this.

"And now you're telling me we're cut from the same deck and that you want to help me. But we can't be more different and you can't make all this undone or erase these memories out of my head. You're only wasting your time for nothing and now you know I'm not worth it." He heard a door slamming. Kirsten had left them. This had been hard. They all had known Ryan has had a rough time, but nobody ever had thought that it had been that bad.

"But I – we can help you to come to terms with all this."

"Accept it, you can't. Now, where everything is back on the surface, I don't think I can deal with it any longer. So, why don't you just leave me alone?"

"Ryan…"

"You know everything you wanted to. So just leave. Please." These weak words showed him, he couldn't reach anything now. So he got up and went out, with a heavy and broken heart. He felt sick – sick because of what the boy had said. He felt sick, because he had thought if the boy started to open up to them they were able to help him. But nothing. Thy boy still rejected them.


	18. The Ultimatum

Oh yeah, here it is the Kirstenator ( for one person who wants some fluff ;) ). Now I'm working on a happy end. Have fun and enjoy.

* * *

**H**is wife stood in the hallway, waiting for him. She looked sad and upset and in somehow nervous. No wonder. None of them had thought that such a tragedy was hidden behind these reliable eyes. He had no words, nothing to say after this.

She had no idea what to say, to feel or to think after all this. She was sick. What had they done to this boy who had been through so much? What had her father done?

"When Seth came and told us, about Ryan might be assaulted, I just didn't want to believe it. These pills he has taken could have been for a lot of things. And when the doctor gave us the clear statement he had been… I still didn't want to believe it. And now…he told us about it, by himself and we can't deny it anymore. It had happened, to our son. If we just had reacted when Seth came to us, showing us what he had found on the internet, maybe things had been different then." Tears ran over his wife cheeks. She wasn't able to hold back her tears. She felt as if she had failed Ryan. She only had wanted to help him instead they had made everything worse.

He knew what his wife was feeling and he felt the same.

"We couldn't have done anything. We can't make undone what had happened to him and we can't turn back the time. We only can try to be there for him now, if he's letting us."

"I need to see Caleb." His wife said out of a sudden. In a sudden she knew what had to be done. It was something she should have done far earlier. It was something if she had done it earlier Ryan never had gone through his last six months of hell.

What went through his wife? He was sure if she went to see her father this was only making things worse as they were. They – Ryan – didn't need her to break down again. Ryan needed her healthy and strong.

"What? Why? What do you want to do?"

"Giving Ryan the family he needs." She said determining, grabbed his hand and pulled him out to his car.

"Do you think it's a good idea to drive to Caleb now? Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"I Am!" He only nodded and started the engine.

They reached the Caleb's residence. When he had stopped the car, his wife single-minded went to the house and rang the bell.

She was in rage. She was frustrated. She was in hate.

"Kirsten? What a pleasure to see you. How are you doing? Is your rehab over?" It was Julie.

"I'm fine Julie. Where's my Dad?"

"He's in his study, but he doesn't want to be disturbed."

"I don't care what he wants and what not." His wife answered and went in. He followed her shyly as he had no clue what was going on with his wife, or what was happening next. He only hoped she wasn't going to leave any deaths. He knew her much too well as if he went over the bridge this was only a polite family visit.

She only was thinking about her boy - how he had lain there and telling them his story and what they had done to him.

His wife opened the door to her father's study, without knocking first, and stormed in.

"Kiki? What…could you please wait outside I have some serious work to do."

"No Dad, I can't wait." She said determining. Now it was obvious whose daughter she was.

Her father never was going to tell her what to do or what not.

"Okay, then tell me, what's your request?"

"Three points: first of all, you'll take care that we get back the guardianship for Ryan, immediately. Second of all, you'll pay for his whole recovery, for every surgery, therapist, even for every plaster he needs to get well. Third of all, you'll proclaim your retirement of business, nominating me as your succession for an adequate retirement pay." Wow, that was tough. He knew his wife was up to every trick if necessary, but he never would have past her to issue an ultimatum towards her father.

Wow, had she really said this? If yes, then it meant: she was standing up against her father. And she enjoyed the feeling she had while doing it.

"Kiki, are you kidding me? What in hell's leads you to the assumption I would agree to this?" Caleb answered smug.

"Well, if you say no, I will quit my job. Then it's up to you to land contracts and to carry on negotiations with the contractors and finding investors. But I don't think this will be possible, because after you had a nice trip to Europe after Mum died, I was the one working my hands to the bones. I made the Newport group what it is today. When I'm gone this will blow all our contracts, because they see me as the head of the Newport Group, not you. I have all the contacts and no matter where I'll go after Newport Group, I will take them with me and this means your ruin. I don't need you, to create something new. I can build up my own business all these investors, contractors and awarding authorities are financing your Newport Group right now, because they want me, not you." Hell, this was his wife. It seemed as if something was moved inside her and he liked it. This was his wife, the woman he had married over twenty years ago. She had won back all her power. Maybe things were able to change and were able to get better eventually.

Now she was telling her father what to do. Now he had to listen. Now she was the one having his life in her hand. Now she showed him how easily she could ruin everything he had worked so hard for through so many years.

"But…Kiki, you can't do this. This is not you, isn't it? Who's forcing you to this?"

"Nobody, Dad. All this is my idea and I go through with this."

"No, you can't."

"Oh, yes Dad I can. I don't allow you to manipulate me or my family anymore. I don't allow you to fool around with me, as if I was nothing but a pawn in your game anymore. And I'm no longer doing as you're pleased only to earn your pride and recognition. Either you accept me and my family – with Ryan – as your daughter and family and show me you feel for us that way, or you have to clear out of my life, because I'm no longer accepting you ruling and determining my life and the one of my family. Did you get that?"

"Kiki, why don't you sit down first and we discuss this. I'm sure we'll find a solution."

"No, this is nothing to be discussed. You have determined about me for long enough. This has to end, right now. You dragged me away from my studies in art history. You nearly parted Sandy and me, only to prevent our marriage and you toke Ryan away from us only because you didn't want him as part of our family. But it had been _my_ studies and _my_ interest. It had been _my_ marriage, it is _my_ family and it is _my_ life and I don't allow you to ruin it any further. So agree to this or you'll end up as an old lonely and poor man." Then his wife turned around and wanted to go.

Now it was his turn to agree to her ultimatum.

"Kiki?" Her father called after her, she stopped. "Do you think the annual Newport Group meet and greet is the right event to proclaim my retirement?" What Caleb Nichol abandoned the field? He never had thought this was possible.

She had known he was going to react this way. He was too afraid to end up as the poor man he had been long before the Newport Group.

"It is."

"And what now?" He asked her, when they were out.

"We go back to Ryan, arranging everything for his recovery and then take him home, where he belongs to. What means, I have to make up this junk room at the end of our floor. We need to install the bathroom. He needs a bed, desk, everything a teenager needs in his room. He has lived long enough alone outside in the pool house." His wife again was full of beans and he loved it. This was what he had missed due the whole time. Her energy was his source of strength and with her being back on tracks again, he was sure they could help Ryan, dealing with his past.

Now she had to do everything to bring back her son. And she wasn't going to allow him to stay in the pool house like a stranger. He was her son and she wanted him around as close as possible – as she wanted Seth to be around her every minute of the day. It was her turn to help Ryan and to show him she cared. And she was willing to do everything for him now.

"Why don't you make up the guest room?" He suggested. This would be less work than this junk room.

"Because it's a guest room. Ryan needs his own room, nothing what has been used before by a couple of strangers. And it has this huge window. I thought about constructing a podium in front of it, where we can put on a drawing-board, like I had it in my old room. Next to it I would put the bed, thus he has the other wall for a normal desk where he can do his homework on." Now she was in her element


	19. You Could've asked

So I hope you like how the story turns out. have fun and enjoy

* * *

**S**he and her husband sat in the waiting room of the hospital.

"Kiki, may I have a second with you?" It was her father. What was he doing here? She got up, changed looks with her husband and then went to her father.

"Well, I called someone form the child's services and told him you want be Ryan's legal guardians again. He said yes. Tomorrow it will be official." Her father said. She didn't know what to say. She had thought he would fight her ultimatum with tooth to nail, but he didn't? Then he handed her some documents.

"Here, these are all authorizations for the Newport Group. It's your firm now. Do what you want. I'm out of the game now. You won. You only need to sign these papers and then it's over. I'll leave for Europe tomorrow, but before I leave, I wanted you to know that you're my daughter and that I love you and I'm proud of you. I thought nobody ever was able to tear me down, but you are. What I wanna say with this: I'm proud how you're handling the firm and your family and I hope you can be the family now you want to be – together with the boy. Here," He handed her a prospect "I guess here you can find the furniture you need for the boy's room. We got yours from there."

"Thanks Dad. But…do you think you have to leave?" Now she got a bad conscience. She wanted her Dad to suffer a little, but she didn't want to expel him from Newport or her family.

"Yes, I have to. But I'll come back, when I'm ready and beg you for forgiveness if you're then able to forgive me one day." With these words he took her into a tough embrace, kissed her forehead and went off. This had been the last thing she ever had expected from her father, but he always managed to surprise her - not only in a negative way. And her rehab? She didn't feel the urge for a drink since Ryan has had this kind of outburst. She still was seeing a therapist, but this was pro forma and she hadn't to stay in the rehab centre, after her husband had told her therapist about the evening she had given her father a piece of her mind. She was back at home, where she belonged to. She was back with her husband and her son – Seth.

She went back to her husband.

"What did he tell you?" He was suspicious. He didn't trust her father and she understood why.

"Tomorrow we're officially Ryan's guardians. What means, we can start to help him. We can start and give him everything he needs." She felt relieve around her heart. There was no fight about Ryan anymore. They had him back and soon they were going to be a family again.

"That's good to hear."

"Yes, and he gave me all authorizations for the Newport Group. What means it's my firm now." She noticed how strange this sounded in her ears.

"And how do you feel?"

"I don't know. In somehow relieved because all these fights have an end now. But…on the other hand I feel sorry for my Dad. He has lost everything, his firm, his girlfriend and his daughter." And all this was her fault.

"No, he hasn't lost his daughter. He still has a family. He's still a part of ours and he will figure it out one day." Only her husband was able to make her feel better only with some words. It was able to, because she knew he meant them. When he said her father was part of the family, he meant it this way.

"Let's hope so." He took her into his arms again. "Now, we have to get Ryan through his nightmare." She said. Her sons were her main concern in the moment. Her Dad was old enough and he had known what he was doing. But her sons needed her.

"And we'll make it."

They had talked to Dr. Harrison and arranged Ryan's surgery. Now they only had to tell him. And they were sure this wasn't going to be easy. Since this one night, he hadn't said anything to them – he had pretty much ignored them. They went in, carefully. Ryan was asleep. He was sleeping a lot, but it wasn't restful sleep. She saw he was having a nightmare. His head was tossing from one side to the other and fear was written all over his face. She looked at her husband, and he nodded in agreement. She went to the bed and slightly stroke over the boy's cheek. It was hot. The boy was feverish. She only hoped it wasn't serious.

"Honey, wake up. It's just a dream." She whispered. When Ryan didn't react she started to rub the back of his hand. It was ice cold. The flu? Or maybe only a cold? Suddenly his eyes flew open and when he saw her, he immediately pulled his hand out of hers.

"Is okay Ryan. Everything's alright." She said soothing, but he only was staring at her. First it was fear and then his face turned numb, like cold ice. This expression frightened her, because this expression was the mirror of his past and the mirror of what was slumbering within him: demons which ruled his emotional world.

"Ryan, the doctor will come in a few minutes to examine you once again." She said softly, trying not to aggravate him.

"What? Why?" He sounded distrustful and after what he had told them, he had all right to be.

He had known before Ryan was going to react like this. Ryan was like a wounded deer: distrustful and tetchy.

"Because of the surgery. They need to preclude any complications." But if he really has had the flu, they could be sure they had to wait with that. How many obstacles did they have to overcome? How many had the boy?

"Surgery? Why?" Pure panic swung in his voice.

If the boy hadn't been injured, he probably immediately would have run riot. He had to help his wife. Her body language told him she was disappointed. She had wished Ryan still being the boy he had brought home this one evening. But this boy was gone long ago.

"Because of your fractured ribs. They want to place them into the origin order." She wanted to calm him down. He needed to know they didn't want to harm, but help him.

"I don't want it." He said determining.

"Sorry boy, this is out of your choice." Her husband said.

Now it was his turn. No matter how hard it felt, he had to be dominant in this. In other respects the kid never was going to understand they only wanted to get him back on right tracks.

"What the fuck does this mean? This is my body, so this is hundred percent in my responsibility." Sure and there had been too many people leaving their hands on this body without his permission. He started to hate this fight for the kid's trust. Sometimes he had the feeling they were fighting against windmills – fighting a fight they've already lost.

"You're still a minor, that's makes it out of you decision." She had hoped these conversations were over, but they weren't. Since Ryan had come back from the foster home it had started to be complicated. He wasn't talking to them, he was aggressive towards them and he didn't trust them – the worse of all.

These words must sound bad in the kid's ears. But he had to say this. He needed to show the boy there were people who wanted to help him, no matter what measure of rejection he used.

"Honey, this is only for your good." His wife intervened again.

"But … you can't decide what happens with me!"

"Yes we can. We're your legally guardians. This gives us all right to decide what's good for you and what not." Her husband said. She sometimes was afraid of the determining and dominant way he was talking to their sons by the time. But it worked.

He more likely wanted to sit down next to the boy, look into his eyes and talk to him - like he used to talk to Seth.

"You could have asked before." A shy voice - telling he was defeated - said.

"Then we would have had this conversation only a few hours earlier." Her husband said. She looked at him and she knew he understood.

They had won. Ryan had given up and now he started a new attempt of regaining his trust.

"Ryan, after all you've told us, you ought to start trusting us. Otherwise we can't help you handling it all." He said.

"This was a mistake." He was focusing the blanket. He looked vulnerable and hurt. She only wanted to take him into her arms and comfort him, tell him everything will be alright again, but he didn't let her.

He closed his eyes. These were hundred steps back and none forward.

"What was a mistake?" She asked him.

"I shouldn't have told you. You weren't supposed to know this."

"Ryan, don't say this. Of course we are. We have to know this. We're your parents…"

"And you'll make use of it. When I'm not doing what you want." Thud! This felt like a thousand stabs with a knife into her heart. How did he come to this assumption? She started to feel helpless. What had Ryan made thinking of them as enemies?

He laid his hand onto his wife shoulders. This was tough. Inwardly he begged the boy didn't meant what he had said. He also had thought after Ryan had opened up to them things had improved. Realizing they hadn't had been like a slap into his face.

A knock on the door dragged them out of her thoughts.

"Sorry to disturb you, but we have to do some tests now, x-rays, CT-scan. Just for being prepared." Dr. Harrison said. They looked at the boy. His whole body had started to tremble and the despair in his eyes was heart breaking. It felt hard to stay staunch in this. But they had to. No matter how bad they felt not being fit to be his parents.

"Ryan, I accompany you, taking care nobody hurting you, okay?" He asked the boy, trying to make him feel any better.

Again she had to figure her husband was stronger than she was.

"That's good. The last time I've examined him, he nearly had wrecked the whole examination room." The doctor said. Oh my God. How afraid must the boy be, if he started doing things like that? This wasn't Ryan.


	20. Again

Red wine and writing. It's a good combination. Have fun and enjoy this one. I hope it's getting fluffy enough.

* * *

**N**ow he was back in one of these cold rooms and they had started to touch him everywhere. He didn't want it and tried to escape their hands as often as possible, but this was impossible. If he had been able to, he had jumped up and run. But he wasn't. His ribs hurt like hell and breathing wasn't really working.

"Don't worry kid. Everything's fine." That's what he said due the whole time. But fuck, he held him down on this hard examination table. He couldn't see his face. The light above him was shining into his eyes, blinding him. But he felt he was quite close to him. When he spoke to the doctor he felt his breath on his face. And he felt these strong hands on his shoulders, pushing him down.

"Ryan, you have to relax a bit. It's really difficult to examine you properly when your body is tensed up like this." The doctor said. He didn't listen. Instead his body only strained more.

"C'mon kid. I promise this is the last time, somebody is touching you, okay?" He wanted to lull him, but he wasn't going over this bridge. This man knew too much. He was sure this man wasn't better than the rest of them. He had seen him. He had been as cruel as his own father when he had started to attack him – his criminal, abusive fucking father. He only had wanted to hurt him and now he knew he was weak. Shit. He never should have told him – them. Now he was easy prey for them.

"This is not working." The doctor said sighing.

"I'm sorry." His voice said. Oh yes, he was sorry. He was sorry, because he wasn't doing what he wanted him to do and it wouldn't take long and he was going to let him feel how sorry he felt for that. He had seen his punches. They had knocked out his father, so they easily could him. Damn, these must hurt.

"This is not your fault." The doctor came to him, stroke over his cheek. "There were just too many wrong people doing too many wrong things to you." He saw something sparkle silvery. No, no, no. He knew what this was and this was not good. If she did, he had no control over their actions and they could start to treat him like they were pleased.

"Could you press here? So he can't strain the arm?" His breath went faster, but it hurt. His heart beat hurt in his chest and he wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Crying only let to more punishment and he already sat in a huge mess. He knew…ouch! He felt his hands around biceps. They were strong.

"It's okay kid. I'm here." Yes and that was what frightened him the most. "I take care no body is doing something wrong to you." He felt a prick in his arm.

"Soon this will be over." He heard the doctor say. He felt how his hand let off of his arm.

"We get you through this if you want or not." He heard his voice again. Strange warmth spread through his body. He wanted to fight it, but he couldn't.

"Shh, is okay. Don't fight it. It only will help you." Something was touching his cheek. It didn't hurt. He heard his voice echoing in his ear. Everything started to feel so far away, the noises, the smells, the visions, tastes.

"We only want to help you." This voice came from so far away. His body felt too heavy. He couldn't even lift his head to see where the voice came from. His eyelids felt heavy. He tried to keep them open. It was harder from second to second.

"We're here. Just go back to sleep. We won't leave you, promised." A well known voice said. His vision blurred more and more. He started to feel dizzy and numbness spread over his body. Only one wink, one last wink. There was no wink. His eyes fell closed and he was on his way back, back into his black hole of loneliness – without noises, feelings, tastes and smells. This was the place he belonged to. This was his place without yelling, beating, hurting. This was his black hole.


	21. Long way

So I hope this is not going to be too fluffy, if it does, please let me know. I'm always struggling with writing happy endings, so if you have any suggestions for me, don't hesitate to let me know. Nevertheless have fun and enjoy :)

* * *

**S**it and wait. This was all they could do now. They had decided for a surgery right in the morning of the next day. And now this day had begun. Since they had examined him, he hadn't woken up again. They had kept him sedated just in case he started to freak out. This night they hadn't left him alone. Even Seth had come by to see how things were going. Now they sat here and waited. He had looked so pale and fragile when they had rolled him out of the room, into the OP. She still wasn't sure if it had been the right decision. They had told her something about a double pneumonia, what in hell this meant. That was why suffered from a bad fever. She hadn't wanted them doing the surgery after they had told her, but they also had explained that this might be the only possibility for a whole recovery. A chronic pneumonia? She never had heard people had this.

"He pulls through this." He said to her. He had suffered with Ryan, when they had tried to examine him. They boy had lost every faculty of judgment. For him everybody was like his father or his mother's boyfriends. Everybody wanted to hurt him. The possibility someone really meant to help him, didn't even occur in his mind. There was a lot of hard work coming towards them. Ryan wasn't going to let them reach him too easily. If his wife was up to it? Sure, she had managed her drinking problem and her conflict with her father quite well and he was proud of her. But was she really already able to handle this?

"It's just a question how much he can take anymore." She said. She had her doubts Ryan being strong enough for all this. He needed their help and they had to pull all their strength together to give it to him. They remained in silence for the next hours, what felt like years.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen." Dr. Harrison came to them. Oh God, it was over. Relieve spread through their bodies.

"The surgery went well, although I had some concerns. He will need some time to recover, but he will get back on tracks again."

"And when can we take him home?" This was the only thing she was interested in right now.

"I can't tell now, but it can take a while. He's really exhausted." He wasn't sure if he liked this sentence. The longer he staid here the more chances he had to draw back from them.

"Isn't there any possibility we can take him home earlier. I don't think it does him any good if he had to stay too long here." He asked.

"Your really want him home. Okay, within the next days, if there are no side effects relating to the surgery or the pneumonia. May I ask you one question?"

"Yes." What was going on now?

"He was talking to you, was he? I mean now you're so busy to get him home again. Is this the reason?" What? Of course he talked to them. What kind of question was this?  
"Yes, he did." Her husband answered.

"Then he will need you, because he's the one breaking apart. You need to hold him together. But this won't be easy. He'll be afraid you might take use of his weakness. Now you know everything about him, every sore point and he'll be afraid you use this to hurt him. So please, be strong for him and show him you won't hurt, but be there, help and support him. It was the same with my kids, so I consider myself as an expert in things like that." With these words the doctor left them again and they entered the room, where Ryan lay in. He was pale and when she stroked through his hair she felt he had a bad fever. He was hooked on an IV, what made the whole scene even worse. Now he really looked helpless and weak.

"Hey honey." She whispered. He had his eyes closed, but he was awake, she saw it. "Are you okay?"

He admired his wife for her ability of being a mother, even for a kid which wasn't her biological child. And he had doubted this would work, when she had come in this one morning, telling Ryan was going to stay with them.

"Hmmm." A little response came from Ryan.

"What do you think do you wanna come home with us?" She asked carefully. She didn't want him to feel offended in any way, but show him they hadn't left him alone.

"Dunno." She slowly stroked over his cheek. She wanted him to know she was there for him.

It was certain: if Ryan hadn't been knocked out due to the surgery, he probably would have said no. But right now he was defenceless and weak. They should use this state to let him know they were there for helping and supporting him.

"You don't have to decide right now." She soothed him.

"Feel sick." He said weakly.

"Of course, you're running a bad fever. Everybody…"

"I don't think that's what he's meaning." Her husband said and handed her one of the kidney shaped bowls, standing on the nightstand. He never was going to forget Seth after his first – and for God's sake last surgery. He had puked his guts out.

"Do you feel like throwing up?" She asked. Ryan nodded and she was barely able to hand him the bowl, before it happened. She asked herself why he had to throw up, without anything in his stomach, but they got reminded of Seth, after his tonsillectomy. He hadn't been able stop throwing up. And after every sip of water or tea it had begun again. And the same was Ryan now. She gently rubbed his back, while her husband called for a nurse.

He called for a nurse just in case he was harming his ribs by his retching. The only difference to Seth was he was silent. When Seth started to throw up one could hear it through the whole house. But there was no noise coming from Ryan. Maybe he felt embarrassed. Or maybe he just had learned not to attract too much - any attention. He watched his wife. She had set down next to him, rubbing his back and his forehead.

She was completely calm. If you have children, there is no time to freak out. You have to be there for them, not for you. A nurse came. She only brought a cloth and a second blanket.

"Side effect from the anaesthesia. He also will freeze badly. I'll go and get a tea for his stomach. If there's something else you need, let me know." She only said and then left them alone.

When Ryan's body had decided it was time to stop throwing up he had curled up to a little ball and fallen asleep, still shivering, although of the second blanket. Now he looked like a child – a child he never had been.

They had decided not to leave their son alone. So while her husband went home for taking a shower and watching after their son at home, she staid and waited for Ryan to wake up. It was quiet and she was reading in a magazine, when noises caught her attention. Ryan was tossing and turning in the bed and he was mumbling something. She wasn't able to make out the words, but he was in panic. He must have a very bad nightmare. She got up and tried to awake him.

"Shhh, is okay honey. Wake up." She started to sooth him. She wanted to put a calming hand onto his shoulder but he flinched badly that she frightened stepped back. When she had caught herself again she went back to the bed, trying to stroke through his hair, only to calm him down again.

"Don't touch me." His silent voice said. She didn't get what he wanted to tell her.

"Ryan it's okay. It's me Kirsten. You don't have to be afraid." She tried a new attempt to calm him down, by patting his back.

"Don't touch me, please."

"But…" When she didn't do as he told her, he pushed away her hand.

"Ryan, what's wrong. I'm not going to harm you."

"Sorry, can't you…just leave me alone?"

"But…"

"Please!" He said determining and thus she went off. Now she figured what Dr. Harrison had tried to tell them. And she had thought it was over after he had talked to them, but nothing was over. She saw pain, sadness, fear and bloody despair in the kid's face. Expression no kid in his age should have to carry up on his face, but an expression which told her, there was a long way to go. She sat outside of the room and waited for her husband to come. He usually knew how to deal with these kids – how to deal with Ryan.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked her, when he arrived.

"I don't know. It's Ryan. He had a nightmare, I only wanted to wake him up, but he told me to leave. He's feeling offended at the slightest touch and no matter what you say he does not believe you. What if he doesn't want to come back with us? We can't force him."

He had known that it wasn't over after the surgery. His outburst before only had been a foretaste of what was coming up to them in the next few days or even weeks, months?

"Then we have to use some tricks." He said and kissed her onto the forehead, before he went in.

He knew what to do. This wasn't Ryan talking and acting. These were his demons. They needed to fight them and this was the hardest part of all. He and his wife wanted Ryan back and that was what he was doing now: bringing Ryan back home. When he entered the room, Ryan was awake. He noticed how the boy was watching him carefully. He took a seat in the chair next to the bed.

"Okay kid, I know you don't want to hear this, but no matter what you're doing, you come home with us."

"And if I don't want to?" He sounded aggressive. But after all what had happened to him it was understandable that he didn't want to lay himself open to an attack again.

"This doesn't matter, because we're your guardians and we decide where you live. So you better get used to this, because you can't hinder us from that." What he was doing? Provocation. Why? This was the only way he could Ryan force to free what still was hurting him.

He didn't answer anything. Of course they did what they want, not paying any attention to whether he was okay with it or not. That was his life. He wasn't allowed to determine about himself. He had no right to decided what happened to him, to his body. He was nothing more than dirty little scum and they were able to jerk him around as much as they wanted to. What could he do to prevent it? He only could beg for mercy and hope someone was listening, but nobody every listen to him. He was nothing.

"Ryan, we don't wanna hurt you, but help and you have to accept it, because we're not willing to give up on you that easy." He said and got up. This was going to be hard.


	22. I'm not like your Mum

Here an I again. I hope I can finish this story this week ;)

JessyLou: if you're still interested in some teamwork for my new story, give me a sign ;)

* * *

**H**ow much had she wanted to take him into her arms when he got released? But he didn't allow her - avoiding any physical contact. He didn't look at them either. He tried everything not to come too close to them and it hurt to see this. Why was he acting like that? They hadn't hurt him or harmed him in any way. They drove home in strained silence. Poor Seth. He was so happy Ryan was coming back to them. He probably couldn't understand why Ryan acted this weird. She had trouble herself. But they had strong support. After she had signed the release papers Dr. Harrison not only had given her strong pain killers and antibiotics for his physically recovery. She also had given them her home number, telling her to call her anytime they had trouble to deal with Ryan's current state. No, they weren't alone. They had each other and together they were going to get Ryan through this.

They reached their home and she was nervous. How was Ryan going to react? How was Seth going to react? Of course they had tried to explain him the situation but had he understood? They went in, Ryan following them slowly and mistrustful.

"Well Ryan, we decided you should move into the house. You're no visitor but a part of our family so you should live together with us in the same house." She broke the chance to him. Ryan only looked at her.

"C'mon we show you your new room." She went upstairs and the rest followed her. She and Seth had worked together on the room. He was hooked when she told him they needed to make up the room for Ryan.

"Here we are." She said and opened the door. It was a huge and bright room and like Seth Ryan was having his own bathroom. She watched Ryan, but couldn't read his face. He didn't say much lately.

"So do you like it?" Her husband asked. Ryan nodded, but hesitated to follow them inside.

"That's good, because you have to stay here for a while, until you're well." Her husband said.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Ryan whispered.

"Dude why not? Hey, this is the best happening to us, because I won't have to walk through the whole house and garden when it's time for some Seth-Ryan-time." Seth said. She was glad he was there. He was the only one Ryan didn't attack. Maybe he even trusted him a little. No matter what, but at least the relationship between the two boys wasn't as strained as their relationship to Ryan.

"And when you have enough, you'll kick me out?" Hu?

"Ryan, hello! Nobody kicks you out. I …" Seth tried to explain to his brother, but her husband cut him off.

"We're not going to kick you out. You're now part of this family and you have to live with us for the rest of your life. Don't worry we won't leave you anymore."

"Dad, you shouldn't scare him to death." Seth said.

"Enough talking, Ryan you go to bed and I'll bring you some water and juice." His Mum said.

She went upstairs again. Ryan still stood where he had before they had left him.

"Hey, I told you to go to bed." She said in a more joking tone, preventing to offend him. He looked at her. This sad and frightened despair hadn't left his face. She went a little closer to him, but he stepped back with his arms wrapped tight around his body. She sighed and sat down on the bed.

"Ryan, I'm really, really sorry for how I have reacted when you came for your little visit. I shouldn't have said these things and I especially shouldn't have thrown a glass after you. But I can't make this undone. I only can tell it wasn't me speaking all these words and throwing the glass. I only can tell you that this probably hurts me even more than you, although you don't understand it right now. But these are a mother's feelings. You can't imagine how miserable I feel about what I've done to Seth and no matter how often he says he's alright with it, this feeling won't leave me. And it's exactly the same in your case. I know I've done a lot of things wrong. I was the one leaving the gap between us. And maybe this is the reason for you not trusting us. This is all my fault and I should have known better, especially after I've met your mother. I know I haven't been any better than your Mum, but I can try to be now." She said and her feelings went postal. She couldn't hold back her tears. It hurt her to see what her behaviour with and without alcohol had caused to her boy. Seeing him scared was the worse of all, because she knew she was the reason for this scare.

"Ryan, please give me this one chance to show you I mean it. I want you to know I love you. You've been one reason for me to do this withdrawal. You've been the one making clear to me I had to do this. Not even Sandy had been able to. Please Ryan, this one chance. Oh God I'm sounding so lousy, begging for a second chance while crying like hell. But I need you to forgive me. Please Ryan." She said softly.

"I can't." No, please don't let him having said these words. He couldn't really believe it was over.

"My Mum used to talk like that. She never had been able to make anything better instead she only made it worse."

"Ryan, I'm not like your mother. I let someone help me. The…" Yes? Was she able to say this? Her husband was. But she? She already had caused enough damage. This wasn't going to help, or? "The only one who's …behaving like…like your mother is you. You don't let us help you and you don't accept our apologies – my apology." She didn't judge him. She only wanted him to think of what he was doing.

"I'm not like my Mum. I don't watch other people hurting others. I'm there for those I…I love." He said defending.

"That's true. But you don't let me help you." It hadn't the effect she hoped it had. Instead Ryan stood there, drawn back into the smallest corner of the room and watching every of her movements in fear. She got up, went to the door. She could leave him alone now. But then, she wasn't any better than Dawn. She turned around again and sat down on a chair standing at the desk.

"Sorry, I can't leave you. You have to stand me, if you want to or not. I'm not leaving you alone." She said determining. She saw he was shivering and she wanted to put him to bed. But he wouldn't let her. Slowly he slid down the corner and sat there.

She awoke from her doze by a sudden sound of a slamming door. It was the bathroom dooor. She opened the door a bit and saw the boy was throwing up again. Fever, the painkillers, nothing to eat and into the bargain nothing more than scare and panic – one didn't need a medical degree to foresee where this was leading to. She slowly stepped in and sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

"You don't feel well, hum?" This was no question. Just some sentence to comfort him. He wasn't making any sound, but he was in pain. Of course his rib injury didn't like the movements of a throwing up body.

"Shell I call a doctor to get you something against the nausea?" Dr. Harrison had offered her to check on him in case his state got worse. The boy didn't respond. She remained and rubbed his back.

"Maybe a shower helps." She said when he was finished. He looked so sick.

"Don't worry. I'll go and get some tea." She said and got up. She waited a bit in the door frame until she heard the sound of the shower.

"How is he?" Her husband asked her downstairs.

"Not good."

"Do you think it was a good idea to bring him home that soon? Maybe he was better off in the hospital."

"No. There he only would have got more space to draw back from us. As you've said: we have to pull through this." The tea water spoiled. "I go back. He needs some… actually I don't know what he needs."

"Who knows what children need at all?" Her husband said and kissed her onto the forehead. She went back into the room. She was relived to see the boy had found the way to bed by himself. He was wrapped tightly into the blanket. Only a few wet strands of blond hair were visible. She put the cup of tea onto the nightstand and then got a woollen blanket to keep the shivering body warm. When she stroke through his hair he flinched, although he already was asleep. She again sat down on the chair and watched him sleeping. Every once in a while she saw him wincing and puling at some unseen pain.

"Is okay, nobody is there to hurt you." She soothed him.

"No…please…wasn't me." She heard him mumbling. His nightmares had gotten worse.

"Shh, nobody's here to hurt you." She squeezed his hand, knowing he would wake up. His eyes shot open and pure panic was staring at her.

"Please…don't…okay?" He said whispering.

"Okay." She said and went back to the chair. But it didn't take long and Ryan jumped out of the bed and disappeared in the bathroom.

This went on for days. Ryan was having nightmares or he had to throw up. He had nor peaceful minute to rest. He also hadn't regained any trust. But she worked on it, no matter how hard it was.


	23. Thanks

And another one. Hope I can finish it, maybe even this weekend ;)

* * *

**H**e went to his brother's room. He wasn't in a good mood since he had arrived here, but his parents hadn't yet given up on him. As it seemed, he was the only one here whom he wasn't afraid of. They had explained him that it wasn't easy for Ryan right now and that they needed to be patience with him if they wanted to help. And he was more than willing to do so. Hey, Ryan was back. He had his brother back and his best friend and he was sure they were going to fix this again. They had fixed his Mum's conflict thus, this was nothing they couldn't solve either.

He for his part was going to provide his brother with the latest comics and Newport gossip.

Then he didn't know he wasn't able to.

"Hey Ry, what's up?" He asked cheering when he entered the room. His brother lay in the bed, covered with a pile of blankets. Dude, he looked like crap. He never had thought Ryan could look like that. Ryan was the one who even looked good after a good, rough fight. He was the one looking like crap after a few beers too much. Not Ryan.

"Hey." His brother answered and tried to sit up, while he was swearing about the pain in his ribs. How much had been broken? Eight? Hell, one bruised rib hurt like hell. But eight broken ones? Disgusting.

"So…" So what? He already had discussed all topics with him. There was nothing left. Okay, he still could talk about himself, but this was out of place right now.

"Uh…what do you think about the new Legion?" Maybe he could get Ryan into the boat of graphic novel fans.

"Sorry, I haven't read it, yet."

"Oh, okay. Don't worry. You didn't miss anything. Wasn't a magic moment."

"Hey boys." His Mum said, entering the room. She was back on tracks. She was his Mum again. If one was telling him now his Mum has had a drinking problem, he wouldn't believe it, if he didn't know the prehistory. His Mum sat down on the edge of his brother's bed. His brother's face turned dark.

"Here." She handed him some pills. This time he knew what it was: either antibiotics or painkillers and this time nobody needed to tell him for what they were, because he already knew. He couldn't imagine having a father battering him fit for hospital. Until he had met Ryan he never had thought about this, because this hadn't existed in his world. But since Ryan had appeared in his life, alcoholism, abuse and drugs were in somehow part of it. It sounded bad, but it wasn't. He knew there was something out of this Newport bubble and he had started to be grateful for the life he has had here.

"That's good. Do you think you can eat something? All these pills without something in your stomach are simply asking for only more discomfort." His Mum had won her warmth back. She was the warm hearted and smooth woman, she used to be. He hoped his life was going back to be normal - like it had been a few months after Ryan had entered it.

"No, thanks." What? He hadn't watched his brother twenty-four seven, but since he had come back he hadn't seen him eating anything.

"Dude, c'mon. When was the last time you had been eating something?"

"Dunno. Just not hungry."

"Honey, you have to eat something if you want to get well soon." His Mum said and then gently went with her hand over Ryan's cheek. He winced and drew back.

"Drop it…please." Alert! Hey man, this kid was even more screwed he imagined he was.

"Ryan, I don't wanna hurt you, but it can't go on like this. You have to start trusting us. Otherwise, we can't help you."

"Yes man. This is tu casa and nobody is going to kick you out or your ass for anything. Hey, my parents even haven't thrown me out, no matter how bad I've messed up and you know how good I am in messing things up." He needed to show his brother he was a part of the Cohen family now. Nobody was going to force him committing crimes and he never would have to sleep on a couch again.

"Seth's right." She said, grabbing Ryan's hand. In a sudden he jumped out of bed -thunderstruck. Wow, this was so not Ryan.

"Ryan, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of." His Mum said. He looked at his brother. He was full of panic.

"Just…please…leave me…just…" His voice was shaky. He looked at his Mum and she only looked at him with her there-is-nothing-we-can-do-look. It was time for being proactive. He stepped towards his brother.

"Ryan, what's wrong with you? You can trust us and when we say you don't have to be afraid then it's true." Ryan only shook his head. "Ryan, I'm your friend and I never hurt you or?" His brother didn't give any response. He only ran into the bathroom. What was that for?

"I'm sorry. His mood is still not better." His Mum said and followed his brother, who kneeled on the floor, hunkering over the toilet bowl. His Mum had sat down on the edge of the bathtub and had started to rub his brother's back. There was nothing left for him to do. He was helpless in this. Now he had to realize how weak his tough brother was after all what had happened. He never had thought he was going to be the one voluntarily leaving something with his parents. It wasn't like he didn't want to help his brother, but…he was sick – really sick. This was…too huge for him to fix it. There was something his brother was afraid of, but he didn't tell him what it was. He only could stay around and…do nothing. He went out and back into his room.

"Hey honey." His Mum came in and set down on his bed, next to him.

"I haven't thought it was that bad."

"Nobody did." She said, taking him into her arms, kissing his forehead.

"Will he be okay again?"

"I don't know. We only can try to help him."

"He has to be okay again. It wouldn't be fair if…if he was the one suffering under the effects this…cruel Julie-Cooper-plan has." It felt good to talk about it to his Mum. Normally it was his father doing the talk. But this time he rather liked his Mum being the listener.

"And we do all to make him feel better. He only needs some time and …us. If we stay strong and don't give up on him, he might come back on tracks again."

"But this…seems to be very difficult."

"Yes this is a lot of hard work. But…Ryan had been through a lot in his life and…we need to show him a way to handle all this."

"Did he talk to you?"

"Yes."

"He never was talking to me about his past and Chino." He was a little disappointed he hadn't been there. Ryan was his brother he had to know what was wrong with him.

"It's better that way, believe me. When he told your father and me…we had trouble to listen to all of this."

"That bad?"

"The worse nightmare for a mother."

"So, this thing…about him…being assaulted…when he was twelve is…is it true?" He still was hoping it was just a story, although it was no funny one.

"Unfortunately."

"He told me in the evening, before we went to the party. He just told me…as if it was nothing…the most common thing on earth. You can't imagine how shocked I've been." He felt bad about not having reacted then.

"I can…what do you think I felt he told me about it…and this although I've already has had some drinks?"

"This is what he had told you? This had made you come back?"

"It was more what…it wasn't the information itself…more the circumstances under which it had happen. I just got afraid I turn into a mother like his."

"You don't want to tell me more?"

"I think he will do so, when he's ready for it. I don't think he would like me and your Dad telling you all he had told us. And…honestly I don't want you to know." He only nodded. It was very serious. In his life nothing had been serious. There never had been serious conflicts and now? He had lived through one and was living in another one. But he would stay strong, for his Mum and his brother.

"Thanks." He said.

"For what?"

"For letting someone help you." She took him into her arms and he started. He wasn't able to hold back. This had been too much. And he just needed to get rid of this pressure.

"It's okay honey." She said soothing him. "Crying helps, it makes you feel relieved."


	24. Sandy's law

Hey, I'm a hard working writer and wow, how fluffy can I be ;)

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**I**t already was eight in the evening and the boy hadn't eaten anything. He went upstairs with a bowl of hot soup his mother used to make, when they were sick. He knocked on the door and then entered the room. Ryan was tossing and turning from one side to another. His nightmares had gotten worse. He put the soup onto the desk and went to the bed.

"Hey kid, wake up." He said carefully.

"No…not…I'm sorry…couldn't do anything…just…"

"Ryan, hey…there is nothing to be afraid of." He put a hand onto the boy's shoulder. His eyes opened and he looked frightened. There was no second the day he didn't look scared. But one sec. The boy didn't reject him? Was this good or not? It wasn't. He started to writhe in pain…nah, writhing was a bit too much, but it was obvious he had some bad pain.

"Your ribs again?" Since the surgery it seemed as if the pain was increasing instead of easing off as it was supposed to be.

"Ryan, I won't hurt you, but…" He had barely finished the sentence when Ryan already cut him off.

"Please, don't." He sighed. It was useless. No matter how cautious he acted, the boy drew back.

"I need to have a look at it." He said determining and went to the bed and pulled the blankets down from the boy. He was trembling or shivering? It was all the same in the moment. When he started to pull the boy's t-shirt up, he flinched and his whole body tensed up within a second.

"Don't worry kid, I'm only having a look, if everything is alright." He carefully sensed the ribs. Ryan flinched with every touch. The closer he came to the location of surgery the hotter became the skin. But it wasn't red, what meant no inflammation. The whole side only was black and blue. The wound the surgery had left was a little lacerate, probably due to the whole throwing up. In a sudden the boy started to fight him by slashing at his hand.

"Stop this Ryan! I'm not harming you!" He screamed out. He started to lose his nerves by the boy's behaviour. It was unbearable for him.

"That's what they all say." The kid answered through gritted teeth. There was no day since he was back, he wasn't thinking about an event which had caused Ryan thinking they wanted to hurt him. He didn't remember one. He stepped to the boy again, tried to sit down on the bed, but with force Ryan pushed him away. This blew his top. He wasn't going to allow this behaviour any longer. Too much is simply too much.

"Okay kid, now listen carefully: we only want to help you and I'm not going to tolerate such behaviour any longer. If you don't let us help you voluntarily, I'll force you to let us help. Got it?" Then he got up and went downstairs. He needed to get calm, before he started to scream at the boy in rage.

"Is he eating?" His wife asked him.

"Nope." He went to the fridge and got himself a bottle of water.

"What's wrong?" His wife asked him.

"I dunno, but it felt like he started to attack me." He responded sighing. His wife's face changed from dark into even darker.

"Sandy, I feel so helpless. I…we want to help him, but he doesn't let me…us. Maybe…it's better if we bring him back to hospital. We cant' handle this." She said, sadness in her tone whistle-blew she didn't believer herself she was able to make this decision.

"We both know this would only give him more space to turn away from us. And this exactly what we can't allow him. If he turns away from us, who knows whether he then ever will be able to build up a relationship to other people?"

"Yes, but…I have the feeling as if we're harming him only more due to this."

"We don't. Although he doesn't understand it right now. We need to…force him to understand. Me for my part, I'm not going to let him draw back from us any longer."

"What does it mean?" His wife asked indignant.

"This means that Ryan never had been one of these sensitive kids that need to be handled with kid gloves. Being a little ruder towards won't hurt him." He knew a lot of kids like Ryan…nah not like Ryan. Ryan was unique, but there were a lot of kids with a similar backgrounds and treating them like sensitive kids never worked. He had forgotten about it, because Ryan was his son and he was forgetting about his past. But this had an end now. His past was his problem and his past was the point of contact to help him.

"Don't you think there had been enough people being rude?"

"No, they had been violent." With these words he got back to the boy's room. He had to fight his demons in front of them. This was his law: no problem solving on your own. When he went back to the room it was empty. Ryan was gone.


	25. Part of me

The song, this chapter (and another one) bases on, if written and performed by the best PunkRock band in the world and if one of you finds out which band I mean, let me know :) So, what I want to say: I don't even own this song.

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_**D**__ear Ryan, _

_I know I haven't been the best girlfriend for you. No, I pretty much screwed it up. But I need you to know that I __**DO**__**LOVE YOU**__, although you won't believe me right now. Summer had told me about your state, so I can imagine you don't want my company right now. _

_I guess you'll never forgive me for this Oliver-thing. I should have believed you. But I'm too kind-hearted and naïve to see the bad side of a person._

_I also should have believed you my drinking problem were scaring you – I should have believed you that you were serious about this. I didn't because you're never scared of anything._

_And on top of that I should have believed you that you don't talk to me about your past not because you don't trust me, but because you want to protect me. But you could have done better._

_You should have told me that a disrespectful and bossy Mum is bad, but having one who chooses alcohol over you and only watches when you get your ass kicked is worse._

_You should have told me that having a father somewhere in Maui is bad, but having one in jail since you can remember is worse._

_You should have told me that having to live with your Mum's countless boyfriends under the same roof is bad, but having to live together with those who beat the hell out of you is worse._

_You should have told me this. Because now, when I think about this, all my home made problems seem so small and meaningless. _

_I feel so bad about what I have done to you and I wish I could turn back the time, so I could be there for you. Fight together with you in, maybe your worse hour of life. But I can't. I only can beg for forgiveness. _

_But now where you're so far away from me, I realize you're a big part of me – the biggest one. Without you I'm incomplete. I know what you're thinking right now. We're from two different worlds. In my world love means candle light and moonshine, bright, smooth and beautiful. It means laughing and happiness, walking hand in hand. Love is heaven and flying. This is how I felt when I was with you – and only with you. A part of me will always be in you. And I know a part of you will always be one of me._

_I don't know what love means for you, but this is how I felt love when I was with you. Maybe you once can tell me. I only want to tell you: if you want to take another chance with me I'll be waiting. I'll wait for you for the rest of my life._

_In deepest love_

_Marissa_


	26. You're sinking

Huhu :) Well I try to get your ideas into this story, but might take a little. Because I have to rewrite a few parts. ;) Nevertheless have fun and enjoy

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**H**e felt like carp, but he couldn't stay there. He couldn't stay with them. This…was just too much. There were too many people wanting him to talk, too many people being around, too many people telling him something about being okay soon. And then there was he himself. He wasn't allowed to stay with them. They have a hard time lying behind. He wasn't supposed to make it worse for them. He had to leave. He was nothing but worthless scum. He was no part of their family, never could be. He…

"Hey man, you really should stop this running thing. Mum and Dad are close to a nervous break down." He heard a voice. It was Seth.  
"What are you doing here?" He just wanted to be alone. He wanted to leave this place. He wanted to go back to this…tiny little black hole. He didn't want people going on with hurting him, screaming at him. He was…he couldn't bear all this anymore.

"Trying to find out what's wrong with you." Wasn't it obvious what was wrong with him? Why did he need to find out? He could have his life back, with all its advatiges. Why did he bother with him? He didn't fit into his world. He was…Chino scum. Nothing more.

"Ryan can you at least give me one word so I know you're aware of me?"

"Why can't you just let me go?"

"'Cause you're sick and despite why do you wanna go?" He asked back. Because he wsa unable to live on with the Cohens? Because they knew too much about him? Because he was easy prey for them now? They could easily make him their slave by only using what he had said. All these were reasons. It never had been different.

"You're even talking less than usually and I never had thought this was possible." But it was.

Since he got back to the Cohens talking seemed even harder as it had been before. He was afraid of words. He had told them his story. He had underestimated which effect this might have. Not only his fears they might make use of it. He only had wanted them stop bothering him. He had wanted to show them he was nothing they wanted to deal with - a worthless nothing. He had wanted them to leave him. They had left him before and they were supposed to abandone him, because this was the way his life went. But they hadn't left him. And now? They hadn't understood and he felt like shot: weak, wounded and hurt. He never had wished before not to wake up the next morning, but now he did. He never should have talked to someone. Saying all these words was okay, but now trying to keep the emotions deep down where they belonged to was hard. With every word someone spoke to him, every look he felt on him, he felt the urge just to explode and let off what was still buried down there – what was still hurting him. But what if he did? They all saw he was weak and started to make use of it, as everybody had made use of his weakness. No, he had to leave before someone of them realized what was hidden under all this ugliness.

"I can't stay." He just said and got up.

"But you have to. Ryan I…we need you. You can't piss off like that!" There it was. He just was some kind of thing they needed. And for what? To let off steam and take the blame for their mistakes. He couldn't go on like that. He needed a time out to order his emotions, his past and a lot of other things.

"Sure, that's what a lot of people tell me." He truned around. But Seth followed him

"Ryan, damn it, this is not what I mean!" Really? Did he miss another meaning for the word 'need'? He didn't want to go back. It wouldn't be different. It wouldn't last long until he was the one who got his ass kicked. Chino, Newport. The people were all the same. Seth wasn't different from Trey. _Can you fix something for me? Yes? You're great bro. _And then he had done what his brother had asked him for and came home with some more broken bones. And his brother even hadn't cared. _Sorry. I can't help you._ No matter what it ways. His brother never was there for him. No matter how hard he had needed his help. _You don't need to explain how fucked up Mum's boyfriends are, but I'm sorry you can't stay here over night._ And slowly he drifted back to Chino, back into his past he only wanted to flee and hide from. But he never was able to.

"Ryan, dude, you're not in Chino anymore. Can you start to realize it? Becuae it's getting a little complicated to explain it to you." _I know it must be kinda hard for you right now, but can you help me out this evening? Arturo has a job for me, but I need a helping hand for it. C'mon where's your rpoblem?_ He had freaked, because he didn't want to go with him this evening. He had felt it was going to end up differntly…bad this time. _You don't want to. But you have no choice. This job or your tiny little ass. I'm sure I can make a little money with that. Don't look at me like that. You shouldn't have told me if you don't like this._ He had been so fucking afraid. He had been afraid of what Steve had done to him and he just hadn't wanted it to happen again. Thus he had stolen the car. There it was. He never had wanted to tell anyone again, but they were just not leaving him alone. He only had wanted them to realize they had to go on without him. But they won't. They had realized what it meant having power of someone. _Ryan, give me the money. You don't want me to tell A.J. do you? Be nice to your Mum and your Mum will be nice to you._ It had been his money. He had worked his butt off for it. He didn't want to pay for his mother's addiction but he had to then. If he had known A.J. was kicking his ass anyway, he probably would have resisted. He just hadn't known. _Does the name Steve ring any bells? I guess he likes to visit you. So your choice: you piss off and don't show up until the weekend is over or I'll call him and you'll have a nice weekend trip._ It had been A.J. who needed the house for his coke job.

"Hey, Ryan everything's okay with you?" He felt someone thouching his shoulder. He fought the hand.

"Shit, Ryan!" He heard someone screaming. "Okay Ryan, just in case you didn't notice what you've done, but you beat me quite bad. Well, let's say after what I did this one evening we're even with each other. But now you have to come back home with me." Home? Not really an existing place for him. He had no home.

"Uhm…I know I can't judge about what has happened - how it is, trying to deal with all this. But you're sinking and if you don't let us help you nobody can. You already reached the edge. You can't make it on your own. Why don't you understand us?" Because he wasn't there anymore. He was stuck somewhere in his past. He had to leave, to forget about all this. Here he was too close to… to what? His emotions were tearing at his soul, begging for being let out. But he can't allow. He had managed to bottle them up for long and he had to manage for the rest of his life. He didn't want them to reach the surface. And why? Because he was afriad of them, afraid of what they did to him. They already hurt him enough. If he released them it only would get worse.

"Ryan, please come with me…we can talk about everything. I know you've tried to attack Dad. But I also know you didn't mean to. You won't hurt us and I know that. But you're doing and this is enough evidence to see you're not doing well." And if he came back what then? How long would it take them to figure out how much fun it was to beat his soul out of him? How long did they need to figure out he was nothing but scum? How long would it take they kick him out? How long would it take them to realize how…much fun one can have by…just doing all these things? _I've read your file. You're no beginner in this. So how does a punk like you prefer it? Rough and fast or soft and slow?_ He was back in the bathrooms of this foster home and he saw this face. _You don't have to make this decision. I'll guess for you rough and slow. Thus you can remember it for the rest of your life._ Afterwards he would have liked to kill himself, but he was too much of a coward to do so. No, they won't be better than the rest. They weren't different. They all became frustrated some time and he knew he was going to be the one paying for it. It never had been different. He was the one who had to pay the bills if things didn't work out as planed. How long would it take Kirsten to choos her Dad over him and kick him out? He didn't want to live through this nightmare again. He already had once and it nearly had broken him. He wouldn't be able to bear it a second time. He had to prevent them from hurting him. He had to go.

"Okay, do you know what? As far as I see, I don't get through to you. I'll just call someone, who might help you, okay?"


	27. I trust you

The heavy metal bee turns into a fluffy bee ;) I guess I need to listen to some music :) Have fun and enjoy

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**I**t was late at night when the phone rang. Both hadn't been able to get any sleep. Now they sat together in the kitchen waiting for their sons to come back. She was despaired. There was no chance to get through to Ryan. He had turned back and refused them. Maybe it was too late. They should have been there earlier, but they hadn't and this was the reward for not caring enough.

Sandy got up from his chair to answer the phone call. He was in rage and he was frustrated. How often had they told the boy they only wanted to help? Why didn't he get it? Or had they ever done something to him? Harmed him? No, they hadn't and the boy still didn't trust them. But he had to be patient and thus he swallowed down his anger.

"Hello?"

"_Hey Dad, it's me. You need to come. Ryan doesn't seem to understand any of my words._"

"And now? What is he doing?" He had noticed the change in Ryan's state. If he had known it was that bad he probably wouldn't have left him alone any second.

"_Well, I…I think he wants to leave Newport. Uh…not only wants. He's rather serious about it._" These words nearly made him throwing the phone through the whole kitchen. Hadn't the boy realized anything?

His wife looked anxious and he…well since he had found Ryan's room empty, he felt the urge to destroy some furniture. But this was no help.

"Okay, stay calm. I care of it. Where is he now?"

"_We're at the bus station._"

"Okay I'm on my way. See if you can stop him from…anything stupid."

"_I'll try._"

"Sandy, what's wrong?" She asked him.

"This was Seth. Ryan's at the bus station. Looks as if he really wants to bunk off again. So I'll go and get him back." He had no clue what to say or think to this.

She felt fear spreading through her whole body. Her husband really looked frustrated and she was afraid the whole situation might escalate.

"I'll come with you."

"You're sure."

"I am." They both went off and left for the bus station.

His Dad arrived in time – his Mum in tow. Okay, maybe acting as a union worked out a little better. When his father came towards him he felt tension was in the air.

"Whre is he?" He barked. Okay, now this was frightening him. He needed to calm his father down first. As far as he could judge the situation Ryan were on the edge with his nerves. A screaming Cohen wouldn't help him.

As he saw how his son stepped back, he noticed the rage inside of him. He had to control his temper. At least as long as they reached their house.

"Dad, maybe…you shouldn't be that…mad at him. You know…in the moment Ryan just doesn't know what he's doing or …you know." He tried to calm his father down.

"Seth, I'm at my wits' end. I…we tried everything to let him know we only want to help him and he still doesn't trust us. This one time I'll try to bring him home. If he then decides to bunk off again, I'll let him. This is the last chance to get him back with us." There it was - his whole despair and all this in front of his son who shouldn't be bothered by all this.

"But Dad!" He couldn't believe what his father had said to him.

"Seth, we can't tell him we don't want to do any harm to him and then force him to live with us, although we know it's nothing but a horrible ordeal for him."

"But…we can't allow him to leave." His Mum now intervened.

"That's why we have to use this last chance to get him back to us." He said and went to the bus and entered it.

"Please wait a few minutes I have to check with my son first." He said to the bus driver. He was full in rage. But he swallowed it down. He didn't want an outburst in front of so many people. He went to his son.

"What do you think you're doing right now, despite hurting other people's feelings?" He asked the boy. The dominate tone? Just a measure to let him know he won't let off of him.

He watched how his father went to Ryan and grabbing his arm. He preyed this atmosphere was not going to explode.

She prayed inwardly. She had seen Ryan in rage and she was afraid he might hurt her husband. But she was most afraid of what it might do to their relationship to her son, if this really happened.

His body tensed up. He won't allow this man to hurt him easily. If he wanted to, he had to fight.

"You're coming home with me…NOW!" He emphasized the word 'now'. There had been a lot people letting him go - leaving him. They wouldn't.

Just no difference from the others. Soon he would start to teach him a lesson and all this talk about being safe and no harm – all hollow words. He just was their little toy – a puppy. Now they cared and after they realized he was making dirt, they stopped being up for him and … kicked him out. The usual game.

"Sir, I think the boy can decide on his own whether he wants to go home." The bus driver now intervened.

"This boy is my son, still a minor and currently neither physically nor mentally in a state to travel anywhere but home." With this said he dragged the boy out of the seat. Well this was easy. The aftermath could be worse. But this was what he had to do now.

"Ryan, you have to come back with us." He heard his wife from behind.

She wasn't sure if this was working, but she had to try.

"I know it is hard being abandoned by those who were supposed to care and love you. I … I know how it feels. After my Mum died, my little sister bunked off and my father headed for Europe and I was all alone. All people who were supposed to help me in this just went off and I was alone. I also know after such an experience it's hard to trust anyone again, especially if things don't work out well in the first steps. But…but I started to trust other people again. I trusted you. I trusted you, when I wanted you to stay with us. I trusted you, when I let you in this one evening, although I hadn't heard or seen anything from you for six months. I trusted you, when I allowed you to tell me your story then. I trusted you, when I tried to explain what went on with me. And now you're the one breaking my trust. Do you really want that? Do you really hurt me, like my father and my sister did once? If you now leave, you're not any better then them and worse of all I'll have to start dealing with the hurt it'll cause to me and my family. Is this really what you want?" Ryan's heart was still the same, she knew it. It only was hidden under a bunch of hurting experiences and emotions. But it still was there.

"Ryan, you don't belong to those who hurt people. You don't." He was impressed by his wife's speech. He wondered how she still was capable of controlling her emotions after all they had gone through – she had gone through.

He felt defeated. He didn't know why, but he did. Something got broken inside – who had thought there was still something left to. He had to swallow hard to keep his emotions where they belonged to. It had to struggle. He was too close to lose them.

He saw how his parents stepped out of the bus together with his brother. A slight relieve spread over his heart.

He had lost control of his body in somehow. No matter how hard he wanted to stay. He wasn't able to. Thus there was only one thing left for him. He had to get prepared for what was coming up next to him. They won't let him go through with this. Well, he didn't think this man was like his father and started kicking his ass in front of an audience. But behind closed doors, who knew what he was capable of?

All three passed him. The expression on his father's face showed him there was a long night coming up to them. Her Mum wrapped her arm around him and they went back.

Okay, the first step was made. But what came next? Her husband looked angry, Ryan …empty, her son Seth was too calm and she was close to explode.


	28. Hurt, badly hurt

What you've been waiting for :)

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**T**he door slammed. They were back. Her son went into the kitchen with her following him and with his expression on his face he signalized her there was trouble coming up. She took him into her arms.

The atmosphere was full of suspense. He was used to not notice things like that, but now he was aware of it. What meant the suspense must have reached a level on the verge of explosion.

"What the hell was this about?" He snapped at the boy. He only wanted to make clear to him he was a part of this family and that he hurt people if he ran away like that. His wife's speech had been the best proof of it.

He only stood there and looked into theses angry eyes. Will be fun to see what perverse thoughts lived in this mind.

She flinched at his harsh words. The boy wasn't in the state for such a conversation, but her husband of course had his own measures to reach his aims, but she wasn't sure if she agreed with it.

Wow, his father was angry. Poor Ryan.

"Just needed some fresh air." Ryan answered, strong, determining and…aggressive? He looked at his Mum and both felt the tension in the atmosphere increasing more and more. His Mum was chewing her lip, a sign she was nervous. Her son was thumbing onto the kitchen counter in some kind of rhythm. He was aware of the tension.

He knew what this man wanted to do…to have. But he wasn't going to give it to him without a struggle. He had allowed it Steve and he had allowed it Cole. He wouldn't allow it to him. He had to protect himself this time.

He looked into the boy's eyes. They were dark. He never had seen such a glance on his face before. It told him Ryan was ready - no prepared. Prepared for what ever was coming towards him and hell he knew what it meant when Ryan was prepared. He never had imagined a seventeen years old getting him scared but the way Ryan stood there and looked at him…threatening.

"You could have opened the window." He tried to hide his fear. The boy shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't the polite and shy boy he had brought home, but one of these deep criminal teenagers that didn't hesitate to mug their grandmas. This didn't match. Ryan wasn't provoking, aggressive and boldfaced.

Sure, he just wanted control. This was what all of them wanted. First they gave you the feeling as if you were nothing but worthless scum and later they had total control over you. Lucky man, he only had to start with control. Those before him had secured the rest. Soon he was going to learn the reason of why they had let him into their home – the real ones.

"Now we'll have a nice little conversation about what to do with you." He said. He had a plan and he now was going to realize it. He only begged it wasn't going to inflict any more damage to Ryan.

Why didn't this man just tell him, what he had up on his sleeve? This hide and seek didn't work with him. He had way too much experience in this game as if he was going to step into this trap.

Ryan's appearance shocked her. He looked fragile with his pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes. But the way he stood there, the expression on his face again made her aware of…of the fact that Ryan's rage in combination with his body was a dangerous weapon.

His brother had this dangerous look in his eyes. The one he used to have before he started to go postal with his fists.

"What did you think when you bunked off?" Her husband started. She had gotten a little distance between them, because right now she didn't agree with his behaviour towards her son. They had known it was going to be difficult. He had to accept it.

He exactly knew what he was doing: provocation. This was his last method to get Ryan back. But this method was risky. As well as it could help, it could destroy everything. It could work or make Ryan flee from them. It was a stand-off.

He stood in front of the doors leading to the garden, his Dad stood somewhere between kitchen and dinning-room, his Mum in the living room and Ryan…well in the centre of all of them. He started to realize his father's plan. Not dumb.

He didn't get an answer. He slammed his hand onto the kitchen counter. At least one reaction: The boy flinched. He wasn't this cruel man. He still was full of fears.

He was back in Chino. His father was there and he was angry. No…this wasn't his father, it was A.J. He was angry because of the coke. He wanted to punish him. He wanted to kick his ass again, but he didn't want him to. But what was that, no Steve? No, please not. Leave me. _Be a nice _boy. He came towards him. He was sure although he didn't look like that he owed a lot of force in his fists. He felt his hands everywhere on his body and he wanted to get rid of them. He wanted to get rid of Steve who sudenly turned into Cole.

They all saw how Ryan's body tensed up. He was trembling and with every step Sandy made towards him, he tried to step back. He tried to avoid Sandy's hands on his shoulders, acting as if it was pure acid.

"Leave me alone!" He screamed. He came closer. They have had their chances. It had been their turn. But now it was his. _Rough and slow._ No, this time it wasn't going to happen.

"No!" He heard a voice. It was Cole …no Steve. He was there, touching him again. His heart beat went faster and faster. He wanted to escape, but Steve was too close and if he ran away he would catch him and this only would make it worse. He felt his breath, his hands. He wanted to fight but his body was paralyzed. These hands they were there and they owed a lot of power. Why did he want it again? He already had gotten what he had wanted. And Cole had taken the rest. There was nothing left to take from him. Why was he doing this?

He wasn't sure if this was working. But he had to try. He went to Ryan and grabbed his upper arms tight to make him aware of he was there. When he looked into his eyes he noticed Ryan wasn't in this house, but some where else he didn't belong to.

She looked at her son. What was wrong with Ryan? He looked as if he was lost and confused.

"Ryan, we need to sort this out, now. We won't harm you nor hurt you. We're here to help." Her husband's voice had gotten calm and soft again. She prayed he knew what he was doing. In the moment Ryan behaved like a wounded deer. And she felt he was at the edge with his…with everything.

Ryan escaped out of his father's grip. He wanted to run. But there was no way. They all were blocking up all possible exits.

He was caught – in Chino. No way out. That was what he had planed. He had annoyed him and now he was going to teach him some behaviour. He was there again and wanted it. He was sure he first would beat him into unconsciousness and then…No. He had to stand up and fight this. He would fight him no matter what it costed.

"Ryan?" He asked to get a reaction from the boy. Again he touched his arm, only to realize he still flinched with every single touch.

"Don't touch me!" Ryan screamed. He had gotten used Ryan was having some kind of blackouts, but they never had been that bad. He had no chance to calm the boy down who stood threatening in front of him. A seventeen years old boy was frightening him just the way he was standing in the room. But this was Ryan.

Now it was his part to show him he wasn't the little terrified boy. This time he wasn't going to give him what he wanted. If he really wanted it, he had to fight for it.

There was definitely something wrong and all this was going over their heads. Why couldn't her husband just stop all this? The boy was hurt enough. He didn't need any more of that. He needed to rest.

"Sandy, what's wrong with him? Is it one of these blackouts again?" When she had asked, Ryan turned to her and she saw bloody naked fear in his eyes.

"Ryan, come back. It's me, Sandy." He tried to get Ryan back into the presence.

In a sudden Steve disappeared and he was somewhere else. It wasn't Chino, but it was familiar to him. The man in front of him. No, this wasn't Steve, but he wouldn't be different. He would harm him, hurt him and show him he was scum. This was how it went. His faher hadn't been different, neither his brother nor one of his Mum's boyfriends. They were all the same. You couldn't trust anybody who told you he wouldn't hurt or harm you. They said this to hide their fear you might notice their real plans. But not this time. He wouldn't allow him to do so. There had been too many people doing with him - his body - what they wanted to. He was done with that. No, not again.

He now grabbed the boy's both upper arms to…shake him back into presence.

There it was. The first step to do it. He was prepared. He would forestall him. Then his head went blank. He didn't need it to react. His body could do this on his own.

In a sudden Ryan slashed at Sandy.

"Ryan, not!" She screamed but she couldn't hinder him.

He only watched how Ryan attacked his father. This was so not Ryan. Ryan never would attack someone from his family.

He had seen it coming. He didn't know why.

"You wanna kick my ass? Then c'mon what's taking you so long or do you just wanna have a nice little fuck! How do you prefer it: lifeless or still dithering?" These words hurt him, because they made him aware of his son still not trusting them. When Ryan started to attack him he caught him and held him tight. They would never do something like this to him, why didn't he see it? Why didn't he recognize they weren't like the others? But with this outburst he had reached something…he had reached the depth in which all these emotions had been bottled up and – although the boy still owed enough force to hurt him – he would go on, until he had brought the last single emotion to daylight.

He was not going to let him hurt him. He would fight him with all force he had left. Not A.J., not Steve, not Frank ever was going to touch him. They had hurt him enough and before he was going to let them doing all these games again he rather died.

He was stunned when his brother said these words. He had known about him being assaulted, but when he had told him it had sounded…not this hard. But now he put so much rage and fears into it at once that it put his teeth on edge.

She flinched at these words. She had hardly being able to listen to what he had told them in the hospital. But now there were so many emotions floating with his words that she was afraid to feel it. How long must the boy have carried all these emotions with him and how deep had they've been bottled up? She had no answer to it. She only feared they might not be able to help him dealing with it.

"Ryan, come down. Nobody will hurt you again, promised." He said. He had luck. The boy was weak, due the medication, the fever, having to throw up the whole time and not eating. Otherwise he was sure he hadn't had a chance against the boy. He held him tight. The boy was fighting him, but he wouldn't give in. He was not going to give up on his son. Not yet, where he – they – had gotten so far.

They would pay for all they had done to him. Nobody ever was going to touch him, to beat or kick him. And if he had to die, no matter. Only important was that he stopped them from using him. He felt the whole anger. All scenes from his life in Chino, Fresno – his mother, his father, all his mother's boyfriends, Steve, A.J. – ran through his mind, leaving a mess – a chaos – of emotions. It hurt. It hurt so badly, he needed to fight them, because he didn't want them to hurt him anymore. He hated this pain. He hated to be weak. He hated having to hide all what he was. It only hurt so bad.

She saw how her husband held the boy in his arm, reluctant to let him go. Ryan tried to get rid of her husband's arms, but he was not strong enough. This was good, because otherwise, who knew what he could have done…to…She drove this thought away. She was certain if Ryan was aware of what he was doing he would stop immediately. He never would fight on of them willingly.

He only hoped no one of the two was going to get hurt. But he was glad his father was there. He knew how to handle this situation and he did.

"Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you." He said soothingly.

The bulk of emotions increased and they hurt. He started to feel weak. It all just hurt too much. All these memories. They hurt – he was hurt and he didn't want to hurt anymore. In a sudden something broke free in inside of him and all emotions he had tried to keep deep down for so long started to spread through his whole body - taking control over him.

They saw how Ryan stopped fighting. He was too weak for a long and tough fight.

He felt how the boy's body lay heavier and heavier in his arms until the boy gave way and collapsed into his arms. He tightened the hold and slowly slid down to the floor, with the boy in his arms.


	29. Part of you

Now, you may find out which band and which song I used ;)

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_Dear Marissa,_

_You're right. I didn't tell you, because I wanted to protect you. I wanted to be the one who is there for you. I was afraid if you knew it might turn out the way it always had been for my Mum, who had to care for all her boyfriends, without having one who cared for her._

_I also was afraid of you might love my past instead of me and I wanted to prevent you're staying because of pity. I don't want anyone's pity and I don't want you're kind-hearted feelings make you unhappy, only because pity forces you to stay. I want you to be happy. _

_And yes, love has an entire different meaning for me._

_Love for me means: beating, bruises, lacerated temples and split lips. Love means hell and crawling on the ground. But a part of me will always be in you. And I know a part of you will always remain as a part of me, although I'm a false-step, an error and the one with the bad reputation, all these inane promises which had been lies from the very beginning. All this is me. _

_I'm what remains, I'm the stone in your shoe and all you bitter feelings which are haunting you. _

_I'm also all your disappointment and your past and your entire dreams you've never lived. I'm the smell on your beautiful skin you can't wash off. A part of me always will be in you. And a part of you will always be in me._

_It's such a hard ground we dropped of now – now where you know all this. But do we repeat each other? Do we deserve each other?_

_So this is what I was taught is the meaning of love and this are me true feelings. But love with you – for you, has another meaning. But I need time to figure out what love between you and me - as well as in a family, means now and this is not as easy for me. _

_I only know you're me first and only big love and I've never written such a letter, especially not with so many words. And I hope you won't have to wait too long for me. Because __**I WILL TAKE**__ the second chance with you, I only need a little time._

_Ryan_


	30. Silent sobs

Wow, I'm nearly finished

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**T**hey could hear silent sobs. An unknown noise, because it came from Ryan.

It broke her heart, when she saw her son in her husband's arms, completely drained and done with the world he had lived in for so long.

If someone had told him he had seen his brother crying once before, he probably would have answered that Ryan never cried. But now he did. He wasn't sure what he felt about it. It was in no way a feeling of embarrassment. In somehow it brought him closer to him. Ryan wasn't inviolable. Ryan was more like he than he – Seth Ezekiel - had wanted to admit. Ryan was a normal seventeen years old teenager with a rough past. He felt relieved.

He held his son tight, feeling how his shirt got soaked with tears. Tears which had been suppressed for so long, bottled up deep down in the darkest corner of his soul.

"His okay kid, nobody will hurt you anymore." He soothed him. His wife came and kneeled down stroking through the boy's hair. Now she got the chance to comfort him. How long had she wished for this chance, but never had gotten it, because of her father or Ryan didn't let her.

"Don't worry honey. We're here and you're safe." She soothed. His sobs were silent, but heartrending.

"But…you won't wanna have me with you for …ever and…then…I…just don't wanna be alone again." He whispered. He was sure now they were there, but what was a few years later? Maybe they then had enough of him and he was alone again. But he didn't want to be alone. He had been alone long enough.

"Why shouldn't we want you to be with us for ever?" She asked him back. She couldn't imagine not having him around anymore. He was her son, like Seth was. It would hurt her the same way, when he started to have his own life in later time.

"Cause…cause…I'm nothing…I'm not like Seth…not your son…just some…scum from Chino even his own mother don't wann have around." Where was the difference between him and his brother? And since when looked someone up to him? And why did he think his parents didn't see him like they saw him? Of course there was no difference.

"That's not true." She answered, struggling not to break into tears as well.

"Ryan you're valuable like Seth and Kirsten are."

"Like Sandy." His wife added.

"Do you really think Kirsten, Seth and I are more valuable than you?" He asked his son. Now they had a chance to explain things to him, make him aware of how mistaken he had been about them, even though he wasn't quite himself then.

"I'm a sober alcoholic, who nearly had lost everything. Do you think this makes me any better than you?"

"Hey, and I'm still the geek who likes shark movies at the IMAX."

"And I'm still the poor boy from the Bronx, whose father left his workaholic wife alone with three kids. As I told you, we're cut from the same deck…we're all are - in somehow. Believe me. And only because they hurt you for so long doesn't mean they had a right to do so. They hadn't. Nobody has a right to hurt you in any way." He told him. He never had thought he would hold Ryan in his arms, like he has had Seth.

"But…it was my fault…I allowed them…to." Wow, this was rough. Nobody allowed anyone to kick one's ass, despite one was some kind of sadomaso pervert.

"It wasn't your fault. They were doing the wrong thing when they left their hands on you, not you." He said.

"Ryan this here is your home now." She said.

"Right and your room will be yours for the rest of your life, even when you're ninety you will have to stay here when you come for a nice and polite holyday visit." He said. He knew this was displaced, but he wanted to show his brother he was concerned as well and that he thought the same like his parents.

"We're your family and no matter how old you are, you always can come back to us. We will be there for you no matter what has happened. And no matter what tragedy life has upon its sleeves for you, we will push through it together. You'll never be alone." She said. Ryan lifted his head, looking towards her. His eyes red and feverish, his face covered with tears. Her husband released him from his hold.

"But what if…"

"Shhh, there is no 'but' and no 'if'. There's only a 'we' and 'we' means Seth, Sandy you and me together as a family." She said and then took him into her arms. She felt the heat form his body. He was shivering badly and he was hurt, badly hurt. But now they were there and they would let the wounds heal. The scars would remain, but they could start to heal the wounds and help him to find out what family, love and comfort meant.

"You're a lot better than my mother. You got rid of it…and…and you…cared." A whisper came. "And…you didn't ditch me." These words were barely audible.

"Honey, I never would leave you." She wasn't able to express how much these words meant to her.

"Ryan, the conflict is never the problem. That's how to cope with it. And there are good and stony ways; and bad and easy ones. We got Kirsten through her conflict and we'll get you through yours. But it would help if you just let us know what's wrong. Waiting such long and bottling up is only the easy way, but it doesn't help." He said.

"You have my file." The boy answered.

"And we didn't take a look into it. Did you think we disturb your privacy only because we can? And did you really think we have lived one as if were nothing if we had? You can be sure we've pulled all strings if we had known before."

"Sorry." The silent voice said.

"Well, let's say: we both know talking about inner conflicts isn't as easy as Sandy wants to suggest to us." She kissed him onto his forehead. She was reluctant to let him go anywhere too soon.

"Hey folks, what about some cocoa and marshmallows?" Seth disturbed them. Man, this wasn't good. He was close to burst into tears and this was going to be embarrassing.

"What do you think?" She asked her son. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Nah, c'mon." He said and helped his wife and then his kid up.


	31. Time to heal

Sorry to say that, but now I'm finished. Hope you liked it. But now I retire from writing for a while. Thanks for all your reviews, ideas and criticism, I'll remember when I'm writing my next story

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**H**e was the first one in bed. This day had been way too rough. This whole Ryan thing had been exhausting. But he was glad it was over now…Okay mabe not over but the worse was over and this was good to know. He knew it was going to take a little until Ryan settled into their family, but he had his brother back and this was the only important thing right now. Plus if he needed some Seth-Ryan-time he only had to go along the corridor. In somehow he had the feeling as if this could get him and his brother even a little closer together. He was glad things were going to be normal again. His Mum had solved her problems and his parents had been able to fix Ryan. There was nothing else he wished for, despite a long, long nightsleep.

They both went upstairs. Before they went to bed they chekced on their sons. Seth was deep in the land of dreams. As they wantched after Ryan, he slightly tossed and turned, mumbling something. She sighed. These nightmares were still there. She went to him.

"Honey, is okay. You're home." She started to sooth him, stroking over his cheek. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Kirsten? Home?" He sounded confused. She had to smile. He was calm, not agitated, not avoiding her touch.

"You're home."

"Yeah ... right." He said and then turned on his side.

"You feel better?" She asked. His fever was still there, but this night had been the first one he kept some food in his stomach. Another step into the direction of healing.

"A little." He answered.

"You're well soon." She storke through his hair, kissed him onto his forsehead and went back out the door.

"Kirsten?" She turned around to him again. "Uh…the room…I…it's nice…really. Thank you…for everything." These words made her heart jump. He had accpted his home. He started to settle. This was what she had wished for and now her wish became true. She had managed to hold her family together.

"You're very welcome." Then she saw how he fell back to sleep and she closed the door.

"He still has a long way to go." He said to his wife. Although Ryan had started to realize they weren't like the others, he needed time to cope with his past and accept his family fully as his.

"I know, but…the heaviest step had been taken." She was right. Ryan was awre of his state and the fact that his past had left some marks. He started to accept he wasn't as easy with it as he pretended to be. But he was sure Ryan would make the whole way.

It was the first time since…he had no idea since when - but it was the first time after a long time he fell asleep without any fears. He wasn't afraid of getting hurt or kicked out. There was someone who really cared now and who didn't want to harm him. The nightmares still were there, but he coped with them. It was easier to do so, when there was someone helping you. And it was much easier when this someone…these someones loved you - really loved you and not only said it. They meant it. Now he only needed to settle. But he was sure he could do so with so many people around - willing to help and listen.

They started new night rituals. Every night the watched after their boys and every night someone of them was talking a little with Ryan. About the day, about what was on his mind. Sometimes it was just something usual– a math test, a planed date with Marissa and just some normal teenage stuff. Sometimes another demon had found his way to the surface, and they got reminded Ryan was no teenager anymore – never had been. But Ryan talked to them and didn't draw back. Although they had the feeling as if he was talking even less than when he first came here. But this didn't matter because he also had started to act easier around them. They just decided not to push him too hard. These wounds needed time to heal.


End file.
